No Need For A Sniper Kitten

Kingdom Hearts is the property of Square-Enix etc, etc...


One fabulous night during the monsoon season, a large freighter ran aground at the Cove. This happened all the time on Destiny Island, and these became special events for the community…

"SALVAGE PARTY! WOOHOO!" the pirates cried the next morning when news of the wreck reached the Blue Parrot. Everyone in town gleefully converged on the Cove and viciously hacked away at the hull to get at the goods. The children would be very put out that their special place had been taken over by adults when they got out of school.

"Excuse me. Excuse me? Hey, this man is still alive people!" Dr. Unne waved the looting pirates away from the wreck's sole survivor. The man had very little time left, and so the doctor tried to make him comfortable.

"Thank you," the man breathed. He shuddered.

"I'm sorry," Dr. Unne said. "I can't help you."

"I know. There was…" the man coughed. "Someone else… on..." his eyes glazed over.


Later that afternoon, Chappu watched his older brother joking with the guys on the team. It really pissed him off that the townies (the kids who lived in Pravoka) so easily forgot all about Wakka's "unfortunate zip code," while he and the rest of the kids from Destiny Island were regarded with more than a little bit of pity and sometimes fear.

As usual, the other kids from Destiny Island were hanging around the practice field. The ferry didn't come until the after-school activities were over.

Sora was busy sanding the wooden duck he made in woodcarving class. Kairi and Selphie were whispering over a technology magazine. Tidus was… digging a hole to the other side of the earth (what's with that kid?) Riku sat by himself stitching.

"What are you making?" he asked him curiously.

"A new slipcover for the couch," Riku said proudly.

"Why?"

"Because it'll match the curtains then," he said as though that were the most obvious answer in the world.

"But I like your couch."

"This'll make it look like a whole new couch."

"But then we won't get to see the real couch, the one we all fell in love with." Riku looked at him as though he flipped.

"It's not that spectacular."

"Yes it is. Why does everything have to match, anyway?" Chappu plopped down beside him.

"I just like things to look nice," Riku said.

"When are you guys getting back to cooking again?" Chappu asked. Riku always let them eat his assignments while they waited for the ferry.

"Ferry's coming!" Tidus announced. Everyone got up and ready to leave.

Wakka wandered near the group with one of his teammates, a guy named Brewster, or something like that. All Chappu knew was that he was playing through the season with an abdominal hernia and couldn't throw a decent pass because of this injury. Athletes were morons.

"Hey guys!" Wakka said.

"Hey, Wakka," Everyone else echoed.

"Hi," the new guy said, mostly to Kairi, Chappu could see. He could also see Sora subconsciously picking up on Buster's incoming pickup attempt. For now Sora and everyone else smiled politely at the newcomer.

"This is Boomer," Wakka said. Boomer? Chappu already wanted to kill him on principal. "I'm gonna be tutoring him."

"I need all the help I can get, or Coach will throw me off the team," Boomer said.

"Ever been to a pirate town?" Tidus asked with a wicked grin.

"Oh, Wakka told me it's not as bad as everyone says," Boomer said.

"That depends on what they're saying," Riku said, already suspicious of Boomer's motives.


The day a Salvage Party is held is the worst day to try and bring outsiders into town.

The children exited the ferry and saw the entire population of the town dragging all kinds of junk through the streets, looking like so many crazed, foppish, looters (with sabers and guns!) Let's not forget the constant gunfire over the occasional fight, or the celebrating you have to do when you crack open a safe and find its filled with gold ingots.

Boomer shuffled around until he was behind Wakka.

"Aw man, all the good stuff's probably taken by now," Selphie grumbled.

"This doesn't happen every day," Wakka explained to Boomer.

"Yeah, they're usually just loitering," Chappu added. "Hi Captain Peekay!" The brothers waved to the sleazy pirate pushing a cart of televisions into his hold.

"Arr! G'day lads!" the Captain shouted back.

The children dispersed.

"So…" Boomer said on the way home. "Does Kairi have a boyfriend?"

Say yes, Chappu tried to mentally project this thought into his brother's head.

"Nah," Wakka said obliviously, "What do you want to start with today? I was thinking that since there's a geography quiz on Monday we should start with that."

"Um. Okay."

Boomer looked relieved to get away from all the screaming once they got home.

"Aren't you guys just a little scared to live here?" he asked them.

"They don't bother the residents," Wakka said. "That would be rude."

"Rude?"

Boomer jumped at the sound of gunfire.

What a wuss, Chappu shook his head and climbed up to their room. He spotted his father at the end of the hallway, putting the good silverware in the family safe.

"What are you doing?"

"Your uncle's comin' to visit."

"Uncle Raijin?"

"Do you have any others?" Dad snapped. He shut the safe and closed the false door over it. "Effin' in-laws."

Chappu smiled. Uncle Raijin always brought the best stuff!

"Is he gonna stay long?"

"No."

"What–"

"I don't wanna talk about it!"

"But–"

"No."

"Kay."

"N… … Okay then," Dad went back to work, hiding their valuables.


"It's good to have one of your friends over for dinner," Dad said.

Boomer smiled winningly at Mom and Dad. Chappu could imagine that people could hear his teeth go "ping!" when they caught the sunlight.

"How'd you get your parents to let you come here?" Chappu asked sullenly. Wakka glared at him.

"I told them I was staying at school for make-up work," Boomer answered matter-of-factly. Chappu caught him staring at Mom's eye patch again and snarled at him.

"You shouldn't lie to your parents, boy," Dad said.

"Of course he should," Chappu said. "You think 'ole Buster here would be allowed to visit us degenerates?"

"Chappu," Mom warned him.

"Sorry, Mom."

"We were startin' to wonder about Wakka," Dad continued.

"Aw, Dad," Wakka protested.

"The only ones we see him with are that little girl, she's a foster kid or something, and that really weird kid next door. Lives all by himself, the poor little thing."

"He does fine," Wakka said. "And Selphie doesn't get into trouble."

"Of course not. It's because my boy's a positive influence," he told Boomer with a little pride.

"Did you get anything good at the Salvage Party?" Chappu changed the subject.

"Did I ever!" Dad beamed. "I got a navigator's head, some new wiring for the bedroom, and this cursed Staff of Anubis!" He held up a solid gold staff that practically glowed green with it's damning powers.

"Is that safe?" Boomer asked, he edged away from the table.

"The Praetor'll knock the curse off for a fee," Dad said and gave Boomer a measuring look. Even he was starting to wonder if this kid had a spine.

"Navigator's head?" Chappu said. "Huh. Does it work?"

"I'm not sure, considering the ship ran aground and all. Maybe I could fix it."

"We better get you to the ferry," Wakka told Boomer, "Or you'll be stuck here all night."


"Did Mom tell ya that Uncle Raijin was coming to visit?" Chappu asked when they settled in for the night. Wakka looked up from his AP Chemistry, beam from the little miner's lamp attached to his head swung over and blinded Chappu. "Do ya mind?"

"Huh? Uncle Raijin?" Wakka said distantly. "I wondered what happened to all our shiny stuff."

"Hey, the light!"

"Sorry. What do you think of Boomer?"

"Definitely up to something," Chappu said. He wouldn't say what, let Mr. Star-Athlete-Most-Popular-Guy-In-School figure it out for himself.

"I think Boomer likes someone on the Island, but who?"

"What makes you think he's after one of the girls," Chappu said. The light swung over again.

"Quit that!" Chappu held up a hand to block the light. Wakka looked away again.

"I hope it's not Selphie. She always wants us to approve of every new boyfriend, and the new guy is always "you think you're better than me?" and then things get weird and she gets mad at me. I don't know why, Tidus is the one who starts the fights."

Hmm, a fight between Boomer and EC, Chappu thought speculatively (EC stood for Evil Chappu, for surely the little doppelganger had been sent by his enemies.)

"Hee hee hee!" he giggled.

"What's so funny?" Wakka asked, blinding Chappu yet again.

"I'm thinking about how I'm gonna kick your ass if you don't stop that!"

"Don't be such a baby!"

Chappu threw his blanket over his brother's head and jumped on him. The fight was on!


Meanwhile…

Tidus inspected his map and then looked over the layout of his yard again.

The grass was trampled down everywhere, quite a feat since no one's mowed it in three months. Every one of his traps had been triggered, even the wolf trap (which didn't really snap shut that hard anymore since the spring mechanism was all rusty.) He clutched his map and looked around nervously.

"Hello?" he called out. "Is there someone out here?"

He picked up his wooden sword and swished it through the tall grass.

Hopefully it wasn't a vampire, he was afraid that one would show up after a shipwreck ever since he read Dracula. Why didn't he grab a supply of holy water when he heard the noises in the backyard? Or Garlic, vampires loathed the stuff.

But then, so did he.

Well if there was a vampire out here he wasn't going to hide and wait for it to hunt him down. All the fighting he'd done recently had taught him a few things about evening the odds against taller, older opponents, and he felt confident.

Perhaps... too confident.

"Show yourself!" he yelled and hopped back and forth. "Come out and fight like a man! I'm ready for ya! Let's go!"

A shadow leaped out of the grass towards him, and with perfect aim he struck back. The vampire fell back lightly. It appeared to reconsider and silently retreated into the shadows, gliding smoothly until it was one with them again.

"Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!" Tidus crowed. And he dared to try the little stunt he'd been practicing on his own. He flipped his sword into the air, it turned over, once... twice... and then landed point first on his bare foot.

"Ow! Owie! Why did I do that?" He cried over his bruised foot.

"Hmmm, poor baby..." he heard a deep voice say, and it laughed softly. The vampire stood over him! Tidus forgot about his foot and reached for his last weapon, his camera.

"Prepare to fry!" he yelled and pressed the shutter. The flash blinded him, but it probably blinded the vampire as well. The vampire screeched, and Tidus took his chance to get out of there.


A/N: The navigator's head a reference to The Secret of Monkey Island, the greatest and funniest pirate game ever made.

The guy with the sports injury is actually me complaining about Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb. He's my star player on my fantasy team, but he got hurt earlier in the season (a hernia) and he has to either play with the injury or get surgery and not play for the rest of the season. (Aaargh!) And I thought maybe it coulda been their year!