TITLE: Wonderland (1/3)
AUTHOR: Pedellea
E-MAIL: pedellea@hotmail.com
DATE: April 8, 2003
RATING: PG-13 for attempted suicide
SUMMARY: Laynie tries to escape her wonderland, but things don't turn out the way she wants. A future fic.
SPOILERS: none
DISCLAIMER: Everwood belongs to Greg Berlanti, Mickey Liddell, Everwood Utah, Inc., Berlanti Liddell Productions, and Warner Bros. Television.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This story is based loosely on the lyrics of Plumb's "Pennyless". For some reason, the album always reminded me of Everwood, with it's moody and dark tones. I had to write it. I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you thought about it afterwards. Thanks!

WARNING! There is a scene of an attempted suicide. If you're not comfortable with this kind of subject material, I suggest that you turn back now.


WONDERLAND (1/3)
By Pedellea

Blind soul lost in Chicago
She fell asleep under a bridge
Drowning out the sound of her sorrow
She's finding it hard to exist

She keeps running into herself
Hoping to find somebody else
She keeps running into herself
Hoping that she'll get out of wonderland

Fame and fortune didn't become her
So she says pennyless
Needing so much more than tomorrow
As she stares at the scars on her wrist

She keeps running into herself
Hoping to find somebody else
She keeps running into herself
Hoping that she'll find somebody better

"Pennyless" - Plumb


She had nothing left anymore.

The truth is Laynie never had anything to begin with. Not an anchor in the world. She never felt rooted anywhere - not in Everwood, not at Saint Anne's, not in college, and not now, in her lonely apartment in Chicago.

After Colin died, she escaped Everwood for good, but not without enduring two more years of parental neglect, even with Colin out of the picture. She remained at Saint Anne's, only returning for the banner holidays of the year because everyone else did. Her parents didn't care one way or another - they never asked her to come back, nor did they ask her to leave. They just seemed to be so engulfed in the grief of losing Colin that they forgot about their daughter. It hurt her deeply, but after a while, she pushed aside her pain so she could live on.

She searched far and wide for a college in her last year of high school, turning as far as the universities and colleges in Canada, in hopes of escaping the wonderland that she was caught in. She finally settled on going to New York University, majoring in English and American Literature. Her parents turned up for her high school graduation, but she's never seen them since. She didn't really care though. Her past was not something she wanted to be reminded of anyway.

At NYU, she discovered a passion in acting. She had already been doing it all these years of her life, and nothing seemed to suit her better - she could hide herself behind the characters she portrayed. She won local acclaim for the work that she did, and even found time for romance in her life. For once in her life, instead of feeling like the black sheep, she actually enjoyed herself and the company of those around her.

In her excitement, she exchanged several e-mails with Ephram to tell him of her accomplishments. He seemed to be the only person who understood her back in Everwood, and she felt it appropriate to at least inform someone from home of her successes. He congratulated her, wishing her the best. In turn, she found out that he was also in New York, Amy in tow. She was happy for them, although admittedly jealousy still creeps up the cracks of the box she buried her hurtful past in. They never met up during her fours years there, but at the time, she thought nothing of it. They were both busy people, with their own lives to tend to.

Dreams never remained permanent in Laynie's life. In an impulsive desire of pursuing a career in acting after graduating from NYU, she packed her bags and moved to Chicago with her boyfriend as an opportunity presented itself. However, as everything else in her life, it all turned sour again. She lost a critical audition that would have secured her fame, and worst of all, she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. Her friends in New York had no time to support her as they had their own pursuits to chase after.

So Laynie found herself sitting alone in her apartment in Chicago, contemplating her life. The painful past that she had so well concealed all these years began to flood back into her memories, and as they intertwined with the hurts of the present, she began to cry. She thought she had finally found the place where she belonged, an anchor to call home. Even that was crudely taken away.

Was there anything to live for anymore?

The thought consumed her. Taking a swig of the wine bottle clutched in her shaking hand, she thought about how good it would feel to at last escape this wretched world. She tried to make something for herself, didn't she? It crashed with a magnificent bang, just like the wine bottle she threw against the wall.

She got up suddenly, finding a purpose in life. The irony of it was that she found it in death. There wasn't anything or anyone to live for anymore. She was the only one left in her world, and she was tired of living just for herself.

In a blur, she pulled out a knife from her sparsely used kitchen - such a waste, for it had been one of her favourite features of the apartment. As she began slicing her own wrists in a frenzied way, she felt no physical pain, for the emotional anguish threatened to eat her inside out. Slowly, everything started melting away, and she backed against the wall, sliding down along it. Her torment sapped away with her strength, and in her fuzzy mind, only one thought stood out - she would finally escape her wonderland.

The last thought that floated in her mind was if anyone still cared enough to find her dead body. Then she allowed the darkness to take her into its comforting arms.


To be continued...