Disclaimer: ..................need...............coffee................

No, honestly.

And now...Ron. Oh, I love him.

"Stop whining," snapped Hermione after half an hour of Ron's relentless moaning.

"...dumped me..."

"No one in the right mind wouldn't, especially when you're whining all day. She's Cho, for goodness' sake, she can go date anyone else, and she was kind enough to date you and now you're whining because she didn't want to spend the rest of her life with a baby!"

"I'm not a baby!" sobbed Ron.

"Then prove it by not whining any more and get your arse," said Hermione, "Off my couch. It's brand-new and I don't want your tears all over that leather. Oh, Ron."

Ron had started crying so hard his eyes were about to pop out.

"Ron," said Hermione, more gently, "You need to learn how to move on. You're not losing anything really-Cho wasn't that good, was she?"

"She was PERFECT!" wailed Ron.

"Oh." Hermione was shocked. "Well, in that case, maybe she was a bit too perfect...and maybe you needed a break...maybe after a while you'll be more experienced to deal with girls like Cho, and you might even find someone more perfect, really!"

"No one's better than her!"

"There are loads of people better than her!" argued Hermione. "For example, you, and Harry-"

"Hermione, are you expecting me to date Harry?"

"Err...no! But there are so many people better than Cho! How about me!"

Ron laughed, and Hermione was relieved, although it wasn't exactly the response she had in mind. Actually, she had expected a kiss or something more romantic and less skeptical, but at least she had cheered him up, right?

"YOU?"

Ron was laughing so hard he rolled off the sofa and didn't notice. "Honestly, Hermione, you're nothing like her! She's got these nice dark eyes like an angel and her hair all glossy and you just have to love the way she laughs, it's like a bell-"

"Well, I'm Hermione," retorted Hermione, hurt. "And I wouldn't want to be Cho!"

"Everyone'd want to be Cho," said Ron dreamily. "She's perfect, remember?"

"I wouldn't, for one!" shreiked Hermione. "I'm perfectly," she emphasised, in a far-too-high voice and tears nearly leaking out of her eyes, "Fine with being me!"

"No, you're not," pointed out Ron. "Look, your eyes are leaking. Her eyes don't leak..."

"Yes, they do." Harry had walked in. "I don't need to tell you. In fifth year, Valentine's day, we were in the cafe and she started going on about Cedric and ended up like a human waterpipe and Roger Davies and his girlfriend were all staring at us and everything. Ugh!"

"Yeah." Hermione rounded on Ron now, her eyes still moist.

"Speaking of wet eyes, Hermione, what happened?"

"Nothing, Harry-I just need to go to the bathroom, be back in a moment."

As Hermione ran sobbing to the bathroom, Ron sank back onto Hermione's sofa. "Harry," said Ron, "She DUMPED me!"

"Er..." said Harry, at a loss for words. "Well, it was expected, wasn't it-and you don't seem too sad-"

"Too sad?" asked Ron, his face brightening. "Now that I think of it, it was an honour! She actually spoke five sentences to me, all at one go! Let's see..."

"Ron, I don't think-"

"Oh, Ron! I don't think this is a good idea any more. You're good and all, and very funny, but we're not suited for each other. I think we should stop seeing each other, Ron. We need to split up and carry on," read Ron from a piece of parchment he had found. "I wrote it down soon as she was out of sight. I was crying like hell, so I didn't realise that she had done so much."

"Yeah, she's done a lot!" said Hermione, who had suddenly appeared. "BUT I'VE DONE NOTHING!"

She stormed back into her room. "Weird, isn't she?" asked Ron.

Harry shrugged.