'Hazel Grace,' he whispered 'I love you Hazel Grace.'
Those were the last words I heard as he slipped into unconsciousness. The last words I ever heard from him.
And the last thing I said to him? I pleaded with him to stay with me, because I couldn't live without him.
That was 3 months ago now, and I've stuck by what I said. I haven't lived without Augustus Waters.
He would want me to be out and living every day as if it were my last, they said.
'He wouldn't want to see you like this Hazel'
'Gus would want you to move on'
'Come on Hazel, I know you're upset, but please'
Well they don't know, they don't know Gus, they don't know what he'd want, they don't know how it feels to be without him.
Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable, just thinking about him rates an 8 on the pain scale. It is enveloping, on those days I don't eat, or sleep, or read, I just feel.
Feel the hole in my chest, caused by his absence.
My cancer is of no concern to me anymore, I welcome it. The faster it consumes me, the sooner I can be with him.
I often think about my parents, how they will feel when I'm gone, but they have been preparing for years. They know it will happen and will have each other to lean on.
I am alone
I am more alone than I have ever been. Gus was my friend, my forever. And when he left, that left with him.
Isaac will miss me, and that I regret. He lost Gus, it's not fair he loses me too. I will regret leaving all the people I love, but I will be with Gus and that is worth all the regret in the world.
I will not be living in this world for much longer. Dr Maria says I'm doing well, but I can feel it. I can feel myself letting it kill me. I am not a fighter, not anymore, I just want to die and be with Augustus. So I am letting the cancer do as it wishes, after all, all cancer wants to do is survive, it can give me my dream, and I can give it it's.
Well it's official. I'm dying.
The doctors have found more cancer, it's spreading, the phaniflaxor isn't working any longer.
I have let it conquer me. I have a week, maybe two, they say.
Then I can see Gus, my Gus.
I'm ready cancer, consume me.
