A/N: My first Fanfic! Yay! I'm kinda exited. It is very angsty but please don't judge me on that. I can only seem to write angsty things.
WARNINGS: Death, Twincest, Shounen-ai
Disclaimer: OuranHSHC does not belong to me. If it did I might have something better to do than sit here writing this. Just kidding!
Could Have Beens
It could have been perfect
It could have gone well.
It could have worked.
We could have worked it out.
We could have worked something out.
We could have tried.
I could have kept my mouth shut.
I could have been happy with what I had.
I could have ignored it.
I could have been an idiot like them and not face these feelings.
I could have not had these impossible feelings in the first place.
But it couldn't have worked.
No matter how much I tried.
Maybe that was why God, or whatever cruel force that seems to be controlling fate these days, smashed her into our lives.
Into our life.
I thought about this so much now, especially when she stared at us. It wasn't the staring itself that aggravated me, I was used to being observed every second of my life. It was her staring at
him that bothered me. And the face, so identical to mine, smiling back that really hit me below the belt.
I didn't know why this upset me at first; or rather what was the reason for my depressed mood. I knew I loved him, I still loved him. I knew I loved her, and I still love her too. I knew I was insanely jealous, but who of? But I knew the answer. I always had.
And that day I told him. My twin had stared into my eyes with the strangest expression. Not knowing what to do or say. It must have been so bittersweet for him. We knew that we both loved each other. And we knew that we both loved her. I knew I loved him more, the distance between the two loves couldn't be compared to anything, not even nothing.
I could almost see my own face twisting into the same odd expression in his golden eyes. No, we weren't identical this time. His pain was pity, just an apology for not loving me enough. My pain, I don't even know what it was. I didn't know what being shot through the temple was like, but I imagined the pain like this. Though it would probably have been a relentless pain in the head, not some dastardly organ in my chest.
"Haha!" I had tried my best at what I greatly hoped was a lighthearted chuckle. We knew it wasn't. I had looked out the window so I wouldn't have to look him in the eye, "Wow I didn't think you'd fall for it, Hikaru. Idiot." Neither of us had bought it.
I guess I had known it all along. I'd known that he loved her more. Maybe that was just my last hope. Was I that desperate? Now that I thought about it, I guess I couldn't blame Hikaru for pitying me.
I stared at my twins sleeping face. It was just another sleepless night for me. Stupid Hikaru was still uncomfortable around me but we fell easily into our usual routines. I didn't like that at all. I hoped I wouldn't hurt my Hikaru too much.
I blinked at myself in surprise. My Hikaru? Since when had I referred to my brother as one of my possessions? Always. A sick voice in my head answered, it was my voice. I would really miss him. I was so stupid. This line of thought would only lead me to more tears. I didn't want to be sad. It was my decision.
"I wonder, Hikaru," I whispered without fear of being heard by my serene doppelganger. "Who do you think would be in most pain?" A pause while I waited for the answer that wasn't going to come.
"I'm sorry."
