My name is Ash. I was born on June 22nd, 1969, just a month before man landed on the Moon. But I've been to crazier places. Must be because of those cultists who visited me after I was born. On October 30th, 1993, I took my girlfriend Linda to the cabin of Professor Knowby, who found a book called Necronomicon-Ex-Mortis, which had the power to summon deadites. Linda turned into one, so I had to kill her. That Halloween, I cut off my possessed hand. An enchantment from the book created a vortex which took me to the year 1300, where I helped King Arthur fight off deadites and met Sheila. I eventually made it back to my own time, where I saved my co-worker Jenny from a deadite.
But it didn't end there. I've been fighting off evil since then. I saw the Wiseman again before he was killed by my severed hand. I took the book to Egypt and got reunited with Sheila again. I got her to work at S-Mart, but we got attacked by more deadites. After going to the future and back, people thought I was insane and sent me to an asylum for a few months, where I met some scientist who reanimated people. I also met Sugar Baby, who later took me to the cabin so I could see Sheila's ghost. The damage done to that cabin was repaired by my severed hand after I left. After defeating Dracula in New York, I decided to let go of Sheila and have a relationship with Jenny.
Aside from being sent to Darkman's town in 1996, my years were peaceful while I was with her. But then we went back to the cabin in 2001, and I went to primitive times and back. She later got hit by a bus, and I was single again. On October 30th, 2003, some idiot read the book in a live broadcast and turned all of Dearborn, Michigan into deadites. I fixed everything and got to meet a couple of ancestors in the past. When I found a way back home, I ended up in the year 2006. That Thanksgiving, I killed my mom when she turned into a deadite. Had short-lived relationships here and there. In 2007, I went to a dimension full of superheros who turned into zombies. I made it home, but in the year 2008. I'm four years younger than I should be, in case you didn't get the math. I brought Sheila back to life, but had to take her back to her own time. That December, I fought Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees. I also got a new girlfriend, Carrie. In July, she died in Franklin, Michigan when they returned. I went to Washington, D.C. and they were defeated by Independence Day. Now I'm on the road again.
Why do I always repeat my life story in my head? Maybe it's because I still find it hard to believe.
Ashley J. Williams drove a motorcycle through Texas. The road was quiet and peaceful. At dusk, he saw a blond-haired woman with her thumb raised up. She appeared to be around thirty years old. Her other hand held a dufflebag. Ash stopped and let her sit on the passenger seat behind him.
"Thanks for giving me a ride," the woman said.
"No problem," Ash said. "I don't normally pick up hitchhikers, but you seem harmless. I have, however, saved a hitchhiking woman from an evil biker gang before."
"You're funny."
"Nobody else wanted to give you a ride?"
"Not many people drive this way."
"Where should I drop you off?"
"This little town called Newt."
"Is it a nice place? Any good motels there?"
"You might like it."
"Great."
The two of them drove off.
"I'm guessing you're not from around here. Where are you from?"
"Michigan."
"What brings you to these parts?"
"I just needed a big place to get lost in. I figured Texas was my best bet."
"What did you need to get lost from?"
That was a very long story for Ash to tell. One week earlier, he, along with the Nightmare Warriors, had stopped Freddy Kreuger, who had become the Necronomicon, from terrorizing America with his army of Jason Voorheeses. How was Ash supposed to explain a dream-killer and a hockey-masked zombie?
"Would you believe me if I told you that I saved America from forces of evil two weeks ago?"
The woman laughed.
"I don't really watch much TV, so I wouldn't know if you really did. What's your name?"
"My name is Ash."
"My name is Jennifer."
"Oh."
"Is something wrong?"
"Nothing. It's just, I remembered my former girlfriend Jenny. She died. Got hit by a bus."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
"I know. I've got a lot of baggage."
"Not as much as I'm carrying with me on your bike. It's okay. Uncle Henry got ran over by a truck a few years before I was born. I never got to meet him. I've got many relatives I never got to meet."
"I'm sorry about that."
"I still got to meet other relatives before they died. I never knew my biological grandma, Velma, but Great-Aunt Miriam was kinda like a grandma to me. I spent my childhood with her and her sons, and they treated my dad like a brother even though he was their cousin. They're gone now, though. I just live with Daddy and Verna now. She loves my dad like a son even though he's her stepson."
"Sounds like you're really close to your family."
Jennifer looked at Ash's right hand and noticed that it was made of metal. Ash noticed that she was looking at it.
"Oh. That's my gauntlet hand. It's from the year 1300, believe it or not."
"Reminds me of one of Miriam's sons. Not sure how he lost his hand though. How did you lose yours?"
"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."
"Come on. You seem like an honest fellow."
"Well, sixteen years ago, I went to a cabin where I discovered a book that brought the dead to life. Something evil took control of my hand, so I had to lop it off at the wrist with a chainsaw."
"A chainsaw?"
"I know. Crazy, right? I even attached the chainsaw to my arm and used it to fight these... Deadites, they were called. I only had that and a shotgun."
"Do you have those with you?"
"They're in the trunk I'm carrying on this thing. You probably wanna get off the bike now, right?"
"No. I believe you. You're not crazy. You were defending yourself."
"Exactly."
"Why don't you stay at my place? I'm sure my Verna wouldn't mind."
"What's it like?"
"It's a real big fancy-looking house with a gate at the front. We've even got our own pool table. It'd be much better than some motel."
"What the heck? I accept your offer. I am in real need of a vacation."
When there was no longer any sunlight, the motorcycle reached the gate. Ash could not see the mansion from where he was; trees were in the way.
"I'll get out to put in the code," Jennifer said. She exited the vehicle and walked up to the buttons. "Let's see...0819. That's it."
Ash watched the gate doors open after Jennifer entered the code. She got back on the motorcycle. Ash drove forward slowly until he reached the mansion. The gate closed behind them.
"This looks really nice," Ash said. "Definitely better than some creepy cabin in the woods."
Ash parked the motorcycle in front of the mansion. He and Jennifer, who were carrying their trunk and dufflebag respectively, got off. Jennifer led Ash up the stairs and to the porch. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a set of keys that were on a metal loop. She used a key to open the door.
"Happy Birthday, Verna," Jennifer said. "I'm back. I wouldn't miss it. I brought a guest."
A seventy-two-year-old woman walked down the stairs and greeted Jennifer and Ash.
"You didn't ring the doorbell," Verna said.
"This is Ash," Jennifer said. "He's different from other guys. He's kinda like Daddy. He knows how to use a chainsaw. Says he defended himself against bad people in the woods."
"So you like him because he reminds you of your dad. That's not so unusual. Not in this family."
"What is she talking about?" Ash asked.
"Never you mind," Verna said. "Would you like to stay for dinner? I am making spaghetti and garlic bread. Also got a birthday cake."
"I'd love to. Haven't eaten in hours."
"I would cook," Jennifer said, "But Verna insists on doing all the cooking. She's got the same hobby as Grandpa Drayton. Maybe that's how they fell in love. Not sure why they divorced."
As Verna cooked dinner in the kitchen, Ash and Jennifer passed the time by playing pool. It was a close game, but Jennifer ended up winning.
"You're really good at this," Ash said.
"Been practicing," Jennifer said. "You?"
"Not so much. I don't really spend much time practicing fun things like this. This is actually refreshing."
"Dinner's ready!" Verna said. "Jenny, dear, why don't you bring a plate of food downstairs to your father? Tell him about our guest so that there is no misunderstanding."
Jennifer obeyed her orders. She filled a plate with spaghetti and a piece of garlic bread. Ash sat down at the dinner table. Jennifer walked over to the basement door and unlocked it. She walked downstairs and over to a steel door. She knocked and heard her father grunt.
"Daddy, it's me, your little girl. Auntie made dinner. I brought some for you."
The steel door opened, revealing an overweight sixty-two-year-old man who was six and a half feet tall. He wore a mask made of a man's decayed face. He gave his daughter a hug and took the plate of food that she handed to him.
"We have a guest, Daddy. His name is Ash. I think you'd like him. He knows how to use chainsaws just like you. You wanna come upstairs and meet him?"
Her father shook his head.
"You're just shy. How about I bring him here later? I really like him, Daddy, and I want you to meet him."
Her father thought for a moment and shrugged. A few seconds later, he nodded.
"Okay. I'll be back later."
As Jennifer walked back upstairs, her father closed the steel door. She sat herself down at the dining room table across from Ash.
"So, Ash, have you ever had a car?" Verna asked. "Those motorcycles look really dangerous."
"Used to. My favorite car is the '73 Oldsmobile Delta 88. A great year."
"It was a bad year for this family. Some of our relatives died in 1973."
"Wow. In that case, I take back what I said."
"Sorry. It's just...there used to be so many Sawyers. Now, there are few of us."
"Do you have any relation to Tom Sawyer?" Neither woman laughed at Ash's joke. "Sorry. Bad joke. I'm sorry about your losses."
"It's okay. They're buried in the cemetery we've got outside. I get to visit them whenever I feel like it, though it is not the same as before. Just a bunch of one-sided conversations. Six days ago would've been the birthday of Henry and Duncan. I wonder whatever happened to Duncan. I wonder if I will be able to talk to any of them again someday."
"You will," Jennifer said. "And so will I."
"Jenny's always wanted to meet the old family," Verna explained. "It won't be soon for you, though."
"You never know," Jennifer said.
The three of them ate in silence after that. Verna escorted Ash to the couch where he would be allowed to sleep before she went upstairs to her bedroom. Jennifer decided to keep Ash company. When it was around midnight, the two of them stared into each other's eyes. Jennifer leaned forward to kiss Ash. Ash leaned back.
"I'm sorry," Ash said. "I've just had bad luck with relationships. It's not just what happened to Jenny. My first girlfriend, Linda, got possessed, so I buried her, beheaded her with a shovel, and sliced her head with a chainsaw. And me and this other woman Sheila were separated by time. More recently, my girlfriend Carrie was beheaded by a guy with a machete and a hockey mask."
"I'm so sorry, Ash. I didn't know."
"On top of that, I don't wanna ruin my stay here. I mean, I haven't even met your dad. What would he say if he saw you kissing a stranger?"
"Not much. Would you like to meet him? Just so you feel more comfortable?"
"Sure."
Jennifer led Ash to the basement. He slowly followed her down the stairs. The room was dark, save for the light from upstairs. Ash looked around and saw a chainsaw with the inscription, "The Saw is Family." A plate full of crumbs was on the floor in front of the steel door. Jennifer knocked on the door.
"Daddy, I brought him. Don't be shy. He won't bite."
The door opened, revealing Jennifer's father. Ash was shocked by the sight of the man's mask made of a human's face.
"Daddy, this is Ash."
Jennifer's father walked forward and held out his hand. Ash stepped back a bit.
"Don't be scared, Ash. He's friendly. I told him that I like you. And he uses chainsaws to kill trespassers, just like you. As a kid, I really wanted to learn to use a chainsaw because I wanted to be just like him. I did not get my chance until thirteen years ago. After Daddy's cousin Vilmer died, his wife Darla decided to come live here with us. I could tell that she just wanted our money. I couldn't stand her. She was always being mean to Daddy. So, I used Daddy's favorite chainsaw over there, the one that says 'The Saw is Family.' I cut right through the middle of her head in this very basement. After I did that, I saw a look in Daddy's eyes that showed me that he was proud of me. He let me keep that chainsaw. It was from that moment on that I really felt like a Sawyer woman. Now, I want to give you that chainsaw in exchange for yours so that you can become part of the family."
Ash tried to be careful about how he would respond.
"So, you use chainsaws instead of rings?"
"Exactly,"Jennifer answered.
"Cool. I will go get the chainsaw from my trunk. Stay here. I'll be right back."
Ash walked up the stairs, trying to appear unshaken. He kept walking steadily until he reached the couch. He opened his trunk.
"Chainsaw... chainsaw... Where is it?"
Neither the shotgun nor the chainsaw were in the trunk.
"Don't even think about taking away the rest of my family," Verna said, aiming Ash's own gun at him and holding his chainsaw.
"I was just going to trade chainsaws with Jenny to be part of the family," Ash lied.
"Bullshit!"
"On second thought, I'm not sure if I'm ready to become part of the family. Why don't I come back later?"
"I can't let you leave. You would blab to the whole town about us like that bitch Sally thirty-six years ago. Jedidiah and Nubbins didn't know better. It wasn't their fault that Drayton fell in love with his sister and made them how they were!"
"Gross! Now I definitely do not wanna be part of this family."
"Jed may not be normal, but he's family. He'll always be family. You... I'll have no problem killing you to protect him."
Jennifer walked up the stairs. Her father was wearing a suit and the white face of an old man. He was holding a hammer.
"Ash, we also want you to meet Grandpa Sawyer. He's the best."
"What the fuck is wrong with you people?" Ash blurted out.
"Leave him alone!" Verna whispered. "Grandpa is long gone, but he cannot cope with Grandpa's death. Let him pretend to be Grandpa. He admires him."
"Auntie, what's going on?" Jennifer asked.
"He wants to kill your dad!" Verna explained.
Jedidiah walked towards Ash and tried emulating Grandpa by hitting his head with a hammer. Ash stepped back as the swings missed. When the hammer was thrown, Ash jumped out of the way as it broke the glass of the window.
"Is this true, Ash?" Jennifer asked. "I thought we were gonna be together forever."
"We just met!"
"Here's his chainsaw, Grandpa!" Verna said.
The man wearing Grandpa's face stared at the chainsaw in confusion.
"Grandpa doesn't use chainsaws," Jennifer said.
"Go downstairs and get Jed!" Verna said.
He ran downstairs. Verna looked around for Ash. She was tackled by him. He took the chainsaw and the shotgun out of her hands.
"Get off of her!" Jennifer said. "Have you no respect for your elders?"
"I have no respect for elders who steal," Ash explained.
The three of them heard the sound of chainsaws coming from the basement. Jedidiah emerged from the darkness, his face covered by the decayed face of a man who was not Grandpa. He was armed with the weapons with which he was proficient. He handed Jennifer's chainsaw to her and held his own.
"Careful, Jed, he has a gun!" Verna warned him.
Ash pulled aimed his shotgun at Verna.
"Back off or she dies," Ash said.
Jedidiah dove and pushed Ash off of Verna. Ash shot and missed. They were both on the floor, and a bullet-hole was in the wall. Jedidiah looked very angry. It was obvious that he intended to do whatever was necessary to protect his family. Verna ran upstairs. Jedidiah turned on his chainsaw and ran towards Ash, who turned on his own chainsaw and blocked with it. Sparks flew. Ash tried aiming the barrel of his shotgun at Jedidiah's leg. Jedidiah backed away right before Ash pulled the trigger. Jennifer ran to her dufflebag. Verna came downstairs with a shotgun. She aimed it at Ash and shot. Ash barely got out of the way. He exited through the front door and ran over to the graveyard. Jennifer followed and stood on the porch, clutching a familiar-looking book in her hand.
"That better not be what I think it is," Ash said.
"Maybe you'll behave if you meet the rest of my family, honey," Jennifer said, opening the book to a passage. "I found this in a graveyard before you picked me up."
"Don't you dare read anything from that book!"
It was too late. She was already reading aloud. Ash aimed his shotgun at her leg, and the bullet hit her. But that did not stop her from finishing the passage. Ash looked at the Sawyer cemetery and saw bodies digging themselves out of their graves. Jedidiah came out just in time to witness this. Ash decided that killing the Deadites was his first priority. It was more important to kill them than to kill Jedidiah. He ran over to the cemetery, and Jedidiah followed with his chainsaw.
