A/N: Hello my lovely readers! I have finally started the second part of the fan fiction, "A Hidden Soul." I promise to try updating at least once a week. Please remember to review as much as you can, they REALLY motivate me to keep writing.
Warning: This is the sequel to my previous story, "A Hidden Soul." You can still follow the storyline even if you have not read part 1 first, but I still strongly recommend checking out the previous story before you read this.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters belong to Stephanie Meyer. I do not make money off of this; I just love writing Twilight fan fictions.
Desire of the Soul
Part 1
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.
-Edgar Allan Poe
Chapter 1
1931
Growing up, Edward's mother often used to tell him that if he looked at anything in the dark long enough, it would show its true form. Well that might be normal to most people, but to Edward, he always saw them for what they were. Sometimes, he wished he didn't, it would be much easier that way. There would be no burden of knowledge on his shoulders, no weight of the hopes, dreams, fears or memories of others to darken his endless days and nights. He wondered constantly if without his ability to gaze into the minds of others, it would have been easier for him to adjust to the life Carlisle had introduced him years ago, when he was only a lanky seventeen year old boy, ready to dispatch himself into a tumultuous world of the war.
Edward did not remember much of his grandfather, Kernel William M. Mason, a veteran who had died due to lung complications when Edward was only ten years old. Nobody was particularly surprised by his death; he was at a ripe old age at the time and had been a heavy smoker and drinker his whole life. But before then, every Christmas Eve his parents used to take Edward to visit him and his Grandmother in their cozy country home away from the bustling Chicago city.
Edward recalled that one Christmas before he passed away, he sat with wide eyes by the fireplace, listening to the sound of his Grandfather's booming voice tell the proud and glorious tales of his time in the war. The battles he had fought, the medals he had received, and it was then that Edward's childish, hopeful heart became set on joining the war, it was at that moment that it became the only way he saw fit to becoming the proud, headstrong man his grandfather seemed to be. How different things turned out for Edward after all was said and done. No matter how many supernatural skills and experiences Edward gained, no matter how many days lay behind him, Edward would only ever be that adolescent boy, weakened by the effects of the Spanish Influenza over a decade ago.
Dawn broke over the forest as the white of the snow reflected from the rising sun. It was Christmas Eve once again; a great deal had happened since the events of his human days. In a mere thirteen years, Esme had sprung into his life. This change however, had a sort of shielding effect on Edward's contentment with not only his existence with Carlisle, but existence in general. It was not long before Edward's burden of being aware of the evil, depressing thoughts of humans, sent Edward into a spiral of questions about everything that was good and just. Faced with his terrible dilemma of choosing between Carlisle's path of humanity, or his path of justice, it did not take long before Edward went his own way, for the first time in his life, he had seen the world completely on his own. After years in his own personal purgatory, Edward had returned to Carlisle and Esme a full month ago and had been accepted back as their long-lost, prodigal son.
He had overheard their conversation one day, Esme suggested Carlisle take a break off work and spend time with the Denali coven in Alaska over the holidays. It was mainly to help Edward adjust to the "vegetarian" lifestyle again; adjust to the now heavy burden of his past deeds that were significantly weighing on him and his relationships with others.
He stood on the porch of the Denali's massive hilltop lodge. The trees ahead were bare except for the snow that rested on their branches. The last time Edward was with the clan he was a newborn, adjusting to the overwhelming change of his life; that was close to twelve years ago. He was so youthful and innocent then, not like now, not after the things he had done.
Carlisle and Esme had told him countless times that they forgave him, but he was not sure he was ready for forgiveness yet. In a way he was still in purgatory, balancing in the middle of a dark self loathing while the other part of him wanted to be happy and reach out to the ones he loved. Whenever he tried; he was haunted by the dark memories of his "rebellion" period and retreated back into his emotionless shell.
He was pulled out of his stirring by the sound of his name being called from inside the house,
"Edward," Tanya said opening the front door, his head turned in her direction.
The first time he had stayed with Tanya, she had made no effort to hide her very vivid, lustful thoughts towards him. At the time, he persistently refused the many offers to "spend time" with her. It's not like she wasn't attractive to him, he just did not want to be with her as a mate. She apparently did not get (or care about) that message. Before he and Carlisle left the Denali's, his option was either to take Tanya's request and stay with her coven or leave with Carlisle. Of course he chose the latter, but he couldn't help but wonder if he would have stayed with the animal blood diet, if he had decided to join the Denali's.
Tanya spoke even though Edward already knew what she was thinking,
"I and some of the others are going hunting, join us."
She spoke casually, but with a hint of concern. Everyone had been acting cautious around him ever since he had arrived, as if he could burst into an emotional meltdown at any point. He did not know if he found their concern for his stability touching or just plain annoying.
"Sure," Edward replied, making his voice as enthusiastic as he could manage.
The hunt went well for the most part; Eleazar caught a bear all the way by the shores. Edward remained silent as everyone around him joked. The group ran back, they passed a large river surrounded by the skinny white trees. It was almost completely frozen, but the ice was still thin. Carlisle stopped running and Edward knew he wanted him to join. The rest of the group glanced back at them curiously but still ran on. Edward walked back to where Carlisle was now facing the river that the light of the sun reflected off of, resulting in the shimmer of Carlisle's pale skin.
"How are you doing?" Carlisle asked.
"I'm fine, Carlisle," Edward replied.
They stood like that, facing the ice for a few moments until Carlisle retrieved from his coat pocket, a ring that Edward recognized immediately; it had the Cullen crest on it.
"Here," Carlisle said as he handed it to him.
Edward hesitantly took it and stared at it. Years ago, he had taken off the family symbol because he had willingly abandoned Carlisle's lifestyle and felt like wearing it was dishonest. He left the ring behind before he had left Carlisle and Esme, so that there would be no reminder of his time with them.
"I would have liked to had given it back to you already, but I was not sure how you'd feel about wearing it so soon after..." Carlisle trailed off.
Edward understood what Carlisle meant. He knew that Edward would not have felt like he should wear it after how he had treated Carlisle and Esme for so many years before he finally betrayed them only to come back and ask for forgiveness, which in his opinion was too easily given. Edward slid the ring on his index finger. Wearing it felt strangely familiar to him. He felt like he should be wearing it, but there was a dirty, snakelike feeling to putting it on in front of a person as kind and compassionate as Carlisle.
For the months that followed after his return, Carlisle and Edward had been more distant than ever. One of the contributing factors was Edward's shame and torment for what he had put Carlisle through. Edward had seen the faded mark of the jagged scar that ran down Carlisle's left collarbone from when he had lost control and attacked him, this was right before Edward coldly told Carlisle that he'd never had a son and left him standing speechless on the front lawn.
As if Carlisle read his mind he said,
"The guilt will never go away Edward. Our kind does not forget we just simply carry on with our lives."
Edward knew he was right; the painful memories would never escape his mind. Why should he keep dwelling in a past he could not erase?
Before he could respond, Carlisle's memories of pain and torment that occurred during his absence flooded Edward's mind. Carlisle had never admitted to his crippling fear that Edward was going to leave again. Edward saw the doubt in Carlisle's thoughts of whether he did the right thing by pushing his own unnatural lifestyle on Edward when he was so young, which ultimately led to Edward's torment, deciding right from wrong. Edward saw him consoling the guilt stricken Esme, trying to convince her that she was not the reason for Edward's decision to leave. The memory from Carlisle's point of view, watching as Edward finished off the deer during a hunt they had weeks ago, badly wanting to reach out and tell him how much he cared and how much he wanted him to be happy again. And finally, Edward felt the inevitable resentment and feeling of betrayal radiating off of Carlisle's memories, of the worry he had put Carlisle through, making him believe he had lost his son, the resentment of the fact that Edward did not feel like he could come to him and tell him how he felt instead of distancing himself from him and Esme for all those years.
All of these thoughts were released from Carlisle's mind before he had the time to stop them from reaching Edward's. As quickly as Carlisle exposed them, he drew them all back in and blocked them as much as he could, but it was too late. Every level of pain Edward had caused Carlisle had just hit Edward with such a heavy force that it made him crumble in on himself, the emotions causing his body to shake uncontrollably as he knelt in the snow, his hands covering his face.
Carlisle sank down to his level to face him. He looked apologetic as his hand stroked Edward's shoulder.
"You should not be the one feeling guilty; it's my fault that you tormented for so long over killing humans. I now know that I failed to properly respond to you when you needed me most after I found Esme. I am the one who should be apologizing Edward, I should have been there." Carlisle felt more and more guilt and self doubt as he spoke.
Edward looked up at his father, "Carlisle don't. I caused you more grief than you will ever cause me. I selfishly sabotaged you and your relationship with Esme, blaming it for my own problems that I had needed to face for a long time. I left because I thought I was God, I thought I had the power to kill any human I saw fit because my power enabled me to judge them," Edward paused contemplating briefly and continued.
"I killed an innocent man Carlisle. I heard his dying thoughts; he was only stealing for his family. In that moment I saw you and discovered you were right, humans were more complex than I made them to be. The man's children were starving and I took away, their father..." Edward's voice cracked at the end and Carlisle's eyes widened, he pulled him into a warm embrace.
Edward for once gave in and responded to his mind that was dying to let out the emotions that overtook his mentality. In mid hug Edward said with a stifled voice,
"I don't want to leave again Carlisle. But I'm a monster for what I did. How can you just accept that and move on?"
Edward felt the relief flowing out of Carlisle's thoughts at these words. He pulled away and faced Edward,
"Edward, you are my son and you will always be welcome with me and Esme, do not ever doubt that. You are not a monster; you have the ability to feel remorse for your victims, something most vampire's lack."
Edward nodded, on the inside he was filled with comfort from his father's words. They both stood up.
We should probably head back now, who knows what ridiculously large Christmas tree Esme and Kate brought back from town. Carlisle thought sarcastically.
Carlisle was never one for lectures; he usually let Edward figure things out for himself. This was a trait that Edward had mixed feelings about; at times he loved it, but at other times, he wanted nothing more than to throw off Carlisle's never ending patience. He and Carlisle were very different when it came to managing emotions. Edward had inherited his unpredictable, fiery temper from his human father and was prone to overreaction, both traits completely opposite from Carlisle's typical calm and collected manner.
They made it to the house. The evergreen Christmas tree was as Carlisle predicted, ridiculously large. In a matter of seconds, the tree was decorated with ornaments; doves, icicles, snowflakes, acrylic pine cones, glass balls and bubble lights that looked like candles, angels peeping out here and there, topped with a couple of cardinals on a sprig of holly.
Late in the night, Edward grew tired of being in the house and left to explore the closest city about seven kilometers away from the isolated coven. Edward moved like a blur through the cold winter night. He was there in a couple of minutes; it was a small city with simple houses and shops. Not a soul was in sight as Edward walked down the lamp lit street.
Due to the economy being in the gutter, Edward often saw homeless people dwelling in the nooks and crannies of the towns he walked through at this time of night. Anyone homeless here would be dead within an hour due to the climate.
Tomorrow, a midst all the poverty in the country, the town would be bustling with cheery optimism. Soup kitchens would open, people would sing carols on the street and families would gather around their Christmas trees. The Denali's would do that too but it was never the same to Edward as watching humans do it. There was something more pure, more real to the sight. Maybe it was due to the fact that it represented another year of growth, another year that would pass. They aged physically and mentally with each passing holiday and that was something he and his family did not experience. There was no change, no growth, time moved forward but life went on unchanging for vampires.
This year however, was an exception; this time Edward had found a family with Carlisle and Esme. Maybe it would not be long before he began making peace with his past deeds, making peace with himself.
A/N: I struggled through this first chapter because it basically had to introduce and lay out where Edward was during this period after he has just returned from his rebellion and did a small recap of the previous story. The chapters to come will be more eventful now that I've taken care of that.
