A Tiger Master's Code
By corset-rebellion-follower
Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda
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You all know and love me ask the calm, cool, collected, and high strung master of kung fu. But here's some things that I can't do at the Jade Palace that sometimes I wish I could.
I, Master Tigress of the Furious Five, do hereby swear that:
1. I may not stick my tongue out at Master Shifu when he's not looking, no matter how annoying he is being
2. I may not walk around in tinted sunglasses and say I went blind because I accidentally saw Po naked
3. I may not pull down Po's pants and shove him out into the hallway to see if anyone does go blind
4. I may not use Viper's mascara to write "Tigress Rules!" on any and all reflective surfaces
5. I may not detach the Seven Swinging Clubs of Instant Oblivion and put them in front of everyone's bedroom door so they can't get out
6. I may not hide Master Shifu's flute so I can watch him storm around, trying to find it
7. I also may not stick ABC gum into the finger holes to see if his fingers stick
8. I may not bleach my fur white and tell everyone I was born albino
9. I may not tell everyone that Viper is secretly a vampire and that's what she has fangs
10. I may not bring a mime in and have him act like Po so I can watch Po freak out
11. I may not use Crane's calligraphy inks to dye everyone's clothing in a tye-dye fashion
12. I may not walk around with an eye patch and say that I lost my eye in the Great War
13. I may not give Po fake directions to a gingerbread cottage in an enchanted forest, and then tell him to use Monkey's almond cookies as a trail so he doesn't get lost
14. I may not use Mantis' acupuncture needles to pin him down while I try to dissect him
15. I may not tell Zeng that Master Shifu needs a message read to the Valley that says, "Does anybody know where I can find Amanda Hugginkiss?"
16. I may not sell Viper's perfume in the Valley, saying it's a love potion that no one can resist
17. I may not try to contact Oogway's spirit to ask, "Where can I find a store that sells inner peace? Master Shifu needs some more."
18. I may not buy edamame in the market and then sell it to Po for ten times the price because I told him they were magic beans
19. I may not tie Tai Lung's tail to his bed so that I can watch him try to get up in the morning
20. I may not streak through the Jade Palace for laughs, nor in any other place for that matter
21. I may not go swimming in the Pool of Sacred Tears
22. I also may not go skinny dipping in the Moon Pool when it's hot out
23. I may not run around singing "Everybody is kung fu fighting!" at the top of my lungs
24. I may not post a picture of Master Shifu wearing makeup in the village square
25. I may not cut down the Thread of Hope and then use the excuse, "I needed some dental floss."
26. I may not spread the dust from cheese curls on the floor and say I'm shedding
27. I may not paint Master Shifu so that he looks like Mickey Mouse
28. I may not seduce men that I know are attracted to me so that I can try the Wuxi Finger Hold on them
29. I may not replace all the utensils in the kitchen with toys
30. I may not walk around in a bikini just to watch men's mouths hang open
31. I may not hide tampons in Tai Lung's room and then ask him about them loudly when there are lots of other people around
32. I may not dress in a full length ball gown, slippers, and a tiara and say that I just found out I'm the sole heir to the English throne
33. I may not pack all my things and pretend that I'm running away to Africa, or some other equally far off place
34. I may not prance around and sing, pretending to be a wood nymph
35. I may not paint Tai Lung's spots orange when he's asleep, then warn him that he may be drinking too much carrot juice
36. I may not dip myself in chocolate or a similar coating to see if anyone would believe that they manufacture life-sized Master Tigress shaped candies
37. I may not beat up said people who do believe that I am made of chocolate for trying to take a bite out of me
38. I may not tell Master Shifu that I eloped with someone last night and I want him to meet my new husband
39. I may not take Viper's flowers and sell them to a crazed fan
40. I may not fill Po's shoes with Jell-O
41. I may not post quarantine signs on the training hall door and tell Master Shifu that I converted it into a safe house for lepers so only I can go inside
42. I may not put itching powder on the floor of the Hall of Warriors so that when Shifu goes to meditate, his feet and legs will itch to no end
43. I may not switch around the stuff in everyone's rooms so they think that they're in the wrong room
44. I may not spread hummus on Monkey's face to trigger his allergies and watch him sneeze every two seconds
45. I may not create fake documents and present them to Master Shifu, saying that the lease on the Jade Palace is up and we have to be out by sundown
46. I may not turn the Jade Palace into a dance club and install a disco ball, then explain that I needed to exercise my right to party
47. I may not take Crane's hat and use it to play Ultimate Frisbee
48. I may not establish a credit card account under Master Shifu's name and max it out to see what happens
49. I may not invite the Jonas Brothers or any other all-male singing group to perform at the Jade Palace and then try to mate with them
50. I may not pierce my nose and dye my fur black and tell everyone I'm going goth
51. I may not cover all the floors of the Jade Palace in sand and say that I wanted to go to the beach
52. I may not play keep away by throwing Mantis through the air and keeping him away from the ground
53. I may not send a letter to the WWF saying that the rare subspecies of leopard, the Sarcastic Snow Leopard, can be found in the Valley of Peace and that they should come immediately to help save this endangered species
54. I may not put a chest of chocolate coins in Po's room and then tell him he's rich and should go on a shopping spree
55. I may not say that I am quitting the Furious Five to join a rock band
56. I may not shave Tai Lung's fur off to see if his spots are imprinted on his skin
57. I may not convince people that a vengeful leprechaun has taken over the Valley and he demands that everybody must be his slaves and guard his pot of gold so that he doesn't have to
58. I may not put everybody else in the Jade Palace into crates and ship them off to a wildlife preserve in Kenya so that I can have some alone time
59. I may not rent my room as an apartment and let a fat, lazy man named Stewart live there
60. I may not create a fake message from the Emperor that requests that Master Shifu sends an autographed photo of himself. An autographed nude photo of himself.
61. I may not leave Tai Lung fake love letters that describe in explicit detail exactly what his 'secret admirer' wants to do with him
62. I may not post an advertisement saying that there is a whore for rent, then when people come tell them they have the right place and courteously point them to Tai Lung
63. I may not hold a convention of well-muscled men in the Jade Palace
64. I may not pour chocolate milk down Po's pants and watch him dance around like an idiot
65. I may not set Viper up with a blind date with the Adversary
66. I may not dig a 20 ft. hole then lure Mantis inside and watch him try to get out
67. I may not hang sad clown paintings in everyone's rooms to freak them out
68. I may not convince Po that he is actually in a dream and watch him try to wake himself up
69. I may not distract Crane so that he flies into a wall and gets his beak stuck
70. I may not ask Master Shifu if we can have "The Talk"
71. I may not ask Master Shifu if he could give me the talk about "womanly processes" for a second time
72. I may not rip pages out of Viper's diary and make her go on a scavenger hunt to get them back
73. I may not put black fabric over everyone's windows so that I can sleep in
74. I may not send bouquets of flowers to random males in Viper's name
75. I may not tie Monkey's hands and feet and stick an apple in his mouth, then try to pass him off as a gourmet dish
76. I may not use extra strength hair gel to spike Tai Lung's fur during the night
77. I may not start making out with random guys on the street, no matter how yumalicious they are
78. I may not wear a genie's costume while singing, "I dream of the Jeannie with the light brown hair"
79. I may not replace the gong with an MP3 player that only blasts loud punk music
80. I may not grease the floors of the bunkhouse so that I can watch everybody slide around and fall
81. I may not enter the Winter Olympics and win a gold medal in figure skating
82. I may not adopt a puppy so I can watch it chase its tail
83. I may not rent an active volcano for the weekend and drop my enemies inside
84. I may not grade everyone on their kung fu, and if they fail make them eat gruel instead of their normal dinner
85. I may not enter a salsa dancing competition or a salsa making competition
86. I may not eat 50 lbs of fish and then dump the bones into Tai Lung's room and say, "Would you mind taking care of these for me? Thanks," and rushing out of there
87. I may not alter the scientific tree of life so that it's actually possible for Mr. Ping and Po to be related by blood
88. I may not name myself supreme god of the universe and make everyone bow down to me
89. I may not wear a hat and carry around a whip, pretending to be Indiana Jones
90. I may not have "the best of both worlds"
91. I may not launch a worldwide campaign that will force everyone to talk with peanut butter in their mouth
92. I may not kick Po down the stairs just for laughs
93. I may not walk around with a pillow stuffed under my shirt and tell everyone that I'm eight months and three weeks pregnant
94. I may not switch my clothes with Tai Lung's so that I can laugh at him walking around in women's clothes
95. I also may not replace all of his underwear with g-strings and watch him wince in pain whenever he walks
96. I may not give Master Shifu a tattoo when he is sleeping
97. I may not write "Property of Master Tigress" on the Dragon Scroll so that Po will give it to me
98. I may not walk around in a French maid outfit to make the males at the Jade Palace drool
99. I may not hold an election to try and get Master Shifu out of the Jade Palace and for me to take his place as Grand Master
100. I may not run away with a man and right before we get married say, "Sorry, you're not my type."
101. I may not video tape any of the previous activities and post it on YouTube
So from this day forth I will never do any of the things mentioned above.
Signed,
Master Tigress
A/N: I got the idea for this from FalconMage's "101 things that Tai Lung may not do" fic. It's hilarious, go read it! You rock FalconMage! Holla!
