A long, long time ago, on Christmas Eve 1973, in Hartford, Connecticut, a "baby" was born. Notice how the word "baby" is in quotes. That's because it wasn't really a baby. It was THE. FUCKING. DEVIL. I mean, come on, who the fuck decides to be born on Christmas Eve? That's some devil shit, yo.

His "parents," Stephen and Candy Morgan, were innocent humans that had no idea that their baby was actually the devil. They also thought he was a girl, because they couldn't see his tiny-ass dick. So they named him Stephanie. Stephanie had a so-called "normal" childhood. But that's not to say it wasn't without its share of evil. On January 8, 1979, at only five years old, Stephanie bombed the french ship Betelgeuse at the Gulf Oil terminal at Wast Cork, Ireland, killing 50 people. 50 FUCKING PEOPLE, MAN. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! Of course, this was blamed on mechanical failure. Pure evil.

But that's not the worst of it. In 1985, Stephanie possessed television writer Christy Marx and gave her the idea for the animated television series Jem. That show's about some fucked up shit, man. It's about some kinda jewelry designer who designs this "magical earring" that turns her into this pop star named "Jem." Anyone who grew up in the 80's probably remembers the traumatic experience of watching Jem. That show should've been rated R. R for "Run."

Nothing happened from then until October 5, 2005, when her (his) novel, Twilight, was published. It's a dumb story about a 100-year old immortal vampire named Edward Cullen who, instead of doing something useful, decides to go to high school 50 times and pick up girls. (What a douche) He finally meets and falls in love with Bella Swan, and doesn't even tell her he's a vampire and he's over 100 years old. That scumbag. The day Twilight was published was the end of the innocent days of the planet Earth. The fall of man, if you will. That book had evil powers, and turned innocent teenage girls into crazed fangirls. Then, on November 21, 2008, was the apocalypse. That was the day that the film adaptation of Twilight was released. That brought widespread destruction around the world.

And that, boys and girls, is why you should never read a book by Stephanie Meyer. Because it just might make you part of Stephanie Meyer's evil army of Twilight fangirls. Yes, the boys become fangirls, too. Because any boy willing to read Twilight is obviously has no balls anyway.

The End