Hello! Thank you so much for reading my fic. If there's anyone who remembers my Young Justice fics I do apologize that this isn't one of them. It's been hard to find inspiration since the show was canceled. I have found Voltron though and it's absolutely amazing! Please enjoy and feel free to drop a comment at the bottom :)

This takes place somewhere between the middle of season 2 and the middle of season 3.


Lance took two shaky breaths attempting to calm himself down. He was used to missions like this; him sitting in the perfect point to see his team and keep them safe while Pidge hacked into the systems to download any information that could lead them closer to her family and Keith, looking always unfazed by the stressful situation but focused, standing guard behind her.

The cold surface of the ledge he'd climbed onto bit into him even through the armor. Lance took another shaky breath. He hated this part. He felt trapped and amped and just wanted to move around or make some joke or remark to lighten the mood. He knew better, of course. Now wasn't the time for jokes, even if it did calm him down and keep him from tensing up waiting for something to happen. For the fighting to start.

They were currently in the middle of a mission to liberate a planet the Galra were using as a prison. They had 2 separate missions; Keith, Lance and Pidge were to get any and all information on Galran prisoners to try and locate Pidge's family. Shiro and Hunk were to release the prisoners on the planet and get them back to the castle safely. Lance was not initially comfortable splitting up as they didn't know enough about this planet to know for certain they would be successful, but Shiro made a very good point in saying that splitting up the tasks made them less likely to get caught and more likely that at least 1 of the teams would be successful. It still didn't make Lance any less on edge about the entire situation.

"How much longer do you need Pidge?" Lance asked. He hadn't meant it to sound like a whine and the responding groan from Pidge let him know it wasn't appreciated.

"Just a few more dobosh's Lance," she said not trying to hide her aggravation from him, "Think you can keep yourself from messing something up that long?"

Keith snorted over the coms and Lance bit his bottom lip. He tried not to let the self doubt creep up on him but even his team didn't have faith he'd be able to get through the mission without messing up somehow. These thoughts had been driving him crazy lately. He'd always had issues with his confidence, which had been made so much worse in the judgemental Garrison classrooms.

Useless.

He shook his head dragging his thoughts away from that dangerous territory. He wanted to say something to lighten the mood, something funny like he usually would. Anything to hide his self doubt and his hurt, but he couldn't. It was then that he saw what he should have seen ticks ago, they'd been found out. Sentry's were closing in quick. Lance grabbed his bayard and quickly set to work destroying as many as he could.

"Keith, we've got company," Lance said, trying to keep himself as serious as possible.

Lance felt himself melting into the moment. This was not useless. This was not waiting for an attack. This was taking action and taking out Sentry's. Nothing to worry over. It wasn't long before Lance had settled into a rhythm and started humming.

"Lance!" Keith and Pidge yelled over the coms together.

"What?!"

"Keep it down, you're distracting us!" Pidge yelled.

Another sting.

He hadn't even noticed he started humming. He never really did, it just happened. Just like the jokes and the comments whenever they were elbow deep in battle. He knew it frustrated and distracted the others and he honestly tried to keep it down but it settled him and gave him a rhythm and a calmness that he needed in these situations. It pulled him out of the situation so he felt less like their lives were on the line. If he joked and hummed it was just like being on the ship training or wondering around the ship. He never wanted to affect the rest of the team and he'd feel horrible if something he'd said or done ever led to the others getting hurt but he was learning that it wasn't something he could control, at least not anymore. It had accidentally become second nature to him and if he got too far into his zone it would just happen.

He choked down the humming and felt his arms instantly start to shake. He couldn't settle back into the moment. He was still hitting his targets, yes, but he had started aiming at any of them instead of aiming for the ones directly behind Keith. He knew he should be taking them down in a specific pattern but he just couldn't get himself to concentrate on it. He was feeling overwhelmed and couldn't concentrate but thankfully even in these moments there was a split second between his hands shaking and his finger pulling the trigger where he paused and held steady enough to take the shot. He was still shooting erratically though and wasn't watching Keith's back like he was supposed to. Keith was his usual amazing self and was more than able to handle the situation.

Lance was starting to feel himself settling back into the rhythm again when something caught his eye. A sentry, no a living breathing Glara soldier, was sneaking up on Keith and he hadn't noticed it. Lance took aim but faltered, he'd never killed someone before. Part of him understood that with every ship they destroyed there was the chance that lives were lost but he'd never looked through the scope of his gun and pointed it at a living breathing creature before. At least with the ships he'd convinced himself that there were only ever sentries on board. He sat frozen staring through the scope of his gun at the Galra closing in on Keith who was too distracted by the sentries and hadn't noticed yet.

He couldn't manage to make a sound, so frozen in the moment. Arm's shaking, worse than before, Lance tried to aim again but too late. The Galra had grabbed Keith by the back of his head and lifted him off the ground just as Keith had destroyed the last sentry. Lance could see Keith struggling to get free but the Galra squeezed his hand tighter dragging a groan from Keith who's struggles lessened. Pidge jumped from the computer she'd been at, bayard in hand, and lunged at the Galra. He saw her coming and batted her away like she was nothing. Pidge slammed into the wall, head and back cracking against it and she slumped down unconscious.

Anther groan was dragged from Keith by the Galra which startled Lance out of his terrified stupor. Keith was paler, if that was even possible, and looked about ready to pass out. He took aim, his hands shaking, took a deep breath and in the split second that his hands were still he fired. Keith dropped to the ground, landing on his feet and turned to fight the Galra. There was no need, Lance had hit his target perfectly and Keith watched the soldier sink to the ground with a gaping hole in his chest.

Lance stared shocked at what he'd done. He watched the Galra's head slam against the floor, watched the blood pool around him. His entire body shook. He felt the bile rise and climbed to his knees letting the contents to his stomach release into a pool next to him. His eyes returned to the Galra soldier and his body resumed the shaking. He'd killed someone. He'd taken a life.

He barely registered Keith leaning down to check on Pidge. He heard Hunk and Shiro rush to them. They must have changed their plans once they realised the 3 of them had been under attack. Hopefully they'd released all the prisoners and were just coming to check on them. Still Lance sat on his knees, clutching his stomach and staring at the dead soldier.

He must have had a family at home. Maybe a wife, maybe some children. Had he robbed children of a father? He didn't know anything about this Galra, who's life he'd stolen. Maybe he'd condemned his family to starve without someone to provide for them. Had he been dedicated to Zarkon or just a soldier doing his job, trying to keep himself and his family alive. Would his death lead to more deaths?

He couldn't stop the shaking and felt his stomach heaving again. The others hadn't noticed him yet. They were concerned with Keith and Pidge.

It wasn't until Shiro had convinced Keith that Pidge was ok that the attention had been brought from them. Out of the corner of his eye, because Lance still couldn't look away from the body, he saw Keith looking up and around.

"Lance!"

He flinched at the sound of his name. Keith was angry. Very angry.

"Lance get down here?!"

Lance slipped trying to get up from his cover place and gave his position away. Keith was there staring up at him, fury seething from him.

"What the hell happened?! You had a clear view of the Galra sneaking up on me and said nothing?! Did you think it was a joke?! That it would be funny to scare Pidge and I before you saved the day and came down bragging?! Well we're waiting! Time to brag right?!"

Lance said nothing, he flinched at every word leaving Keith's mouth.

"Pidge is hurt! This isn't a joke Lance! Why do you always have to be like this?! Why can't you just get your shit together for once and do the mission right?!"

Lance still said nothing and slowly climbed down from the ledge. He felt horrible. His hesitation had gotten his team hurt. Pidge was unconscious and Keith, despite running around like he was fine, was not ok. He was pale and clammy and Lance was willing to bet he had a terrible headache.

"Keith," Shiro said gently with an unspoken warning.

"No!" Keith said stepping from Shiro's reach.

Lance flinched again then felt his gaze wander back to the Galra that he had killed.

"He does this every single time! He cracks jokes and hums songs and doesn't take any of this seriously all from his safe little space up out of reach all while we're down here trying not to get ourselves killed! He's a danger to the rest of us and if he can't watch our backs like he's supposed to then he's useless to the team!"

A small choked sob escape from his lips and Lance clamped his hand down over his mouth.

He vaguely heard Shiro and Hunk reprimand Keith but couldn't hear anything really over the sound of the blood rushing to his ears. Useless. There is was. They all thought it.

"Lance," Shiro or Hunk, he didn't know which, tried to call him.

"No," Lance said holding his hands up, "I'm going to get one of you killed some day if I keep behaving like this. I don't….I don't want that. I'm sorry. I'll… I'll be better." Lance turned away from his team, thankful that the tears he knew would come hadn't yet.

"We should get back to the castle," Shiro said.

The others tried to reach out to him but Lance had already started walking back to his lion. He could feel the hum of Blue. She'd sensed his distress and flown herself to meet him.

He climbed into his lion without looking back for the others. He'd messed enough up today and just wanted to get home without getting anyone else hurt.

"Thanks for coming to get me girl," he said petting the pilot's chair.

He felt her purr in response offering him comfort and support and all of the love she had for him.

Shiro had seen where Lance's eye kept wandering the entire time they'd been in that hall. Now that he was standing below the area Lance had been hiding he could smell, even from the ground, that Lance had thrown up. Lance was not ok and he'd been made exponentially worse by Keith's angry words. Shiro sighed. He knew Keith and knew that he hadn't meant most of what he'd said. He had a hard time dealing with his teammates being hurt and often lashed out when he felt like something was out of his control. But it didn't make what Keith said, or how he said it, ok.

"Keith," he started to say.

"I know," he said with his shoulders slumping.

Shiro put his hand on Keith's shoulder, "I understand that you're upset, you and Pidge got hurt and you were caught by surprise, but that was too much. Lance didn't mean for either of you to get hurt."

"He never does," Keith said looking at the ground, "but he does this every time and we just let him get away with it. It was only a matter of time before someone got hurt because of it."

"It's not as black and white as you make it out to be Keith. I'll take care of Lance when we get back. You just worry about getting yourself in a pod to heal ok?"

"But-"

"No buts."

Keith crossed his arms but followed behind Shiro and Hunk, who was carrying Pidge, to their Lions. He managed to stay on his feet but found himself swaying if he wasn't careful. His head was killing him and his neck wasn't doing much better.

Blue was waiting for them in the air when they arrived at their lions. Lance must have already climbed in and was ready to go but stayed behind to make sure they'd gotten to their lions alright.

"Ok team, let's get back to the castle." Shiro said, steering Black to grab Green before heading back.

"Lance?" Hunk said cautiously.

"Yeah?" Lance responded.

His voice was hoarse and Shiro couldn't tell if he was crying or not. Maybe he was just tired.

"You ok bud?" Hunk asked.

Lance didn't respond. Hunk tried to call him a few more times with no response.

"Just leave him be for now guys. Blue's flying steadily back to the castle, he probably just wants to be alone."

When Hunk had said his name, Lance began to choke up. He managed to force a hoarse Yeah out to let him know he was listening but when he asked if he was ok Lance couldn't take it anymore. He muted his com and curled deeper into the pilot's chair finally letting himself sink into the overwhelming need to cry. His entire body heaved with sobs and he felt Blue's presence surround him offering him all of her comfort and support. He was able to steer them back to the castle and Blue settled her presence around him to let him know she was here for him.

Lance didn't want to face the others just yet. Blue was giving him the support he desperately needed at that moment, whether he felt like he deserved it or not. Blue growled letting him know she was not pleased that he felt he didn't deserve her comfort and he sighed petting the pilot seat again letting her know that he still appreciated it.

He'd stopped crying by the time they had pulled into her hanger so he unmuted his coms to keep track of the others.

"Hunk, take Pidge right to the cryo-pods. I'll check on Keith and get him there."

"I'm fine Shiro. Did you guys manage to free the prisoners? Where are they?"

"They'd already been relocated to another prison before we arrived on planet. Don't think I didn't see you swaying on your walk to the lion."

Lance flinched. He'd known that Keith couldn't have escaped without injury but he had hoped at least that it wasn't nearly as bad as Pidge. At least not bad enough to need a cryo-pod. He hated that there hadn't been anyone to free. He wasn't sure if Pidge had managed to get any of the information they were looking for either. There was a chance that the mission was an entire bust, all because Lance couldn't suck it up and take the shot the first time.

He looked down at his hands curled into his stomach. They were still shaking, despite being pressed firmly against him. Why couldn't he get himself together?

Blue purred again. It would take time, Blue seemed to say.

"Blue?"

He could feel her again trying to tell him she was there. It was like he could almost hear her voice but not quite.

He sunk further into the pilot chair, if that was possible, and soaked up all of the warmth and comfort she offered. He would let himself be here for a little longer to give him the strength to stand up again. Then he would go and shower. He felt, he didn't know the word, dirty? No that didn't properly explain it. He felt like he had a stain on him and he'd need to scrub it off. It wouldn't be easy to wash away and he wasn't sure he'd be able to entirely. He looked down again at his shaking hands, this time pulling them away from himself. His gloves did not have the splash of blood his hands felt were on them.

He wanted to wash it all away.

Hunk placed Pidge in the cryo-pod. Shiro and Keith were right behind him.

"Hunk, do you know where Lance would go? I don't think he's going to meet us here," Shiro asked.

Hunk nodded but wasn't sure he wanted to share that information. He wasn't entirely sure what all happened between Lance, Keith and Pidge but Hunk knew Lance and he'd seen the look on his face. When he heard that choked sob that Lance had tried to stifle with his hands Hunk had nearly broke along with him. He'd known Lance a very long time and he'd never heard him make that sound before. He was worried about him and would go to find him without anyone else there to make it worse.

"I'll be able to find him," Hunk finally said aloud.

"Once I get Keith in the cryo-pod I'm going to go look for him, it would be easier if you told me where to look first," Shiro said.

Hunk stepped back, as if the act of stepping back would shield Lance, who wasn't even in the room with them, from the others. "Are you going to get mad at him?"

"He should," Keith muttered. During their flight back, Keith's anger at the blue paladin had reignited. He wasn't responding to Hunk's desperate attempts to talk to him and how dare he? He was the one who'd let all of this happen and he couldn't even respond?

"He shouldn't Keith," Hunk said firmly.

"He doesn't even have the decency to come and face us here. He let us down and he needs to face his consequences. He can't make jokes like that when we're in the field," Keith said.

"Lance wouldn't do that. He wouldn't use any of our safety as part of a joke and I think he faced more than his fair share of the consequences for his actions when you went on your little tirade and said that he was useless to the team," Hunk said stepping closer to Keith.

"Enough. Both of you," Shiro said stepping between them. "I know Hunk. I'm not going to get mad at him ok? I just want to make sure he's ok too," Shiro said softly.

"I'd still feel more comfortable checking on him myself first. Shiro, you're his hero and if he's as upset as I think he is then he wouldn't want you seeing him like this. Trust me. I'm just…. I'm a little scared for him, he's never blocked us out like that before. He's never blocked me out like that before," Hunk said.

Shiro understood and could accept that. He didn't think Hunk had really realised the entire situation, not sure if he'd seen the body or if his focus had been entirely on Pidge and mistook it for a sentry.

"I can agree to that. But I want to see him before he goes to sleep for the night. Can we agree on that?"

Hunk paused, he'd feel more comfortable giving Lance time but he trusted in Shiro and Shiro was Lance's hero. He didn't think Lance would be closed off to Shiro if he knew he was concerned for him.

"Ok deal. I'm going to look for him right now."

With Hunk gone Keith turned to Shiro. "You can't mean that you aren't mad?" He said.

"I can honestly tell you that I'm not mad with Lance. That was a difficult situation to be in and I'm mad that he was put in that scenario."

Keith didn't understand but didn't need to voice it. Shiro knew him well enough to know what he was thinking.

"Taking someone's life isn't easy. Even if they are the enemy. Even if someone you care about or your own life is on the line. It's something I'd hoped none of you would have to face so directly," he said putting his hand on Keith's shoulder.

"But we've blown up ships," he said.

"And I realise that there were potentially lives taken in those scenarios, and I'm sure that thought has crossed Lance's mind too, but it's still an entirely different situation looking directly at someone and pull the trigger or running a blade through them. Watching their body drop to the floor, see the blood pouring," Shiro could feel himself slipping into a flash back he tried to ground himself using his hand on Keith's shoulder to keep him present.

"Shiro," Keith snapped getting his attention.

Shiro stumbled back, forcibly thrown back into the present moment without fully leaving it. He felt a little disoriented but quickly shook the feeling away.

"Sorry, thanks. It's different ok? I need to check on him, and you need to get in the cryo-pod."

Keith nodded and reluctantly let Shiro help him into the pod.

Hunk checked Blue's hangar first, in case Lance was still seeking shelter there. It had been the last place they'd seen him but no luck. Hunk was torn where to go next. He knew that Lance would end up in the showers, the warm water relaxed him and he usually went there after a hard mission or when Shiro or Allura gave him another lecture, but it would depend on how long-ago Lance had left Blue if he was there yet. Hunk figured he'd head to his room first and if he wasn't there he'd head to the showers but he was hoping to find Lance in his room so they'd be left alone for at least a little while in the quiet comfortable space.

No luck in his bedroom. It left the showers. He didn't take any of his skin care products with him which was a bad sign. Hunk couldn't help but sprint to the showers. He wanted to find lance now.

He didn't have to even step inside to know Lance was in there. He could see the steam seeping out from the door, hear the shower on and the unmistakable sound of Lance sobbing. Hunk charged in prepared to face anything and immediately tripped. He toppled to the ground and looked back to see that Lance's outer armor had been dropped carelessly on the ground at the entrance. He looked up to where he could hear Lance and saw him. He'd ripped the under suit down exposing from his hips up the rest of his body. His tanned skin was tinted red where the water had been beating down on him and he was scrubbing his hands below the faucet sobbing.

"Lance?" Hunk whispered stepping closer to the shower. He could feel the heat radiating out of the showers and knew it was way too hot for Lance to be staying under there and not be hurting himself.

"I can't, it won't go away," he sobbed.

"What won't Lance?"

"The stain!" Lance cried continuing to scrub his hands raw.

Hunk reached into the water and immediately pulled his arms back out. The water was scalding. How was Lance standing it? Taking a deep breath, he reached for the control of the temperature and before Lance could register what he was doing he turned the heat almost entirely off. The water went from scalding to cool too quickly and Lance yelped. Hunk placed his hand on Lance's shoulder keeping him under the water and used his other hand to try and get his own outer armor off. Part of him wished he'd done this first but was glad he hadn't so that Lance wasn't still under that scaling water.

"Lance, I need you to stay under the water. I know it's cold, especially after how hot you had it but you need to cool yourself off. I think you burnt yourself."

Lance's teeth started chattering but his sobbing didn't slow. He kept trying to get out from under the water but Hunk, giving up on his outer armor, stepped into the cool water with him and leaned him back both exposing his burnt chest to the cool water and giving Lance as much comfort as he was able to.

"It's going to be ok buddy. I'm here with you. It's ok," Hunk said rocking them side to side.

Teeth still chattering Lance's sobs slowed to a sniffle. Hunk pulled his gloves off one at a time then very gently placed his hands over the reddest parts of Lance's chest. It was almost cool to the touch which meant they could almost step out of the water. Hunk gently guided Lance's red hands under the cool water. He hissed out in pain and his chattering turned to full body shakes but he didn't fight Hunk anymore and stayed where he was under the spray.

"Good. that's good," Hunk soothed.

Hunk kept them under the spray for a solid 20 minutes. He knew the recommended amount of time was 10 minutes but still held steady to make sure all the burns had cooled.

Lance had gone quiet and listened to Hunk humming and soothing him. It was exactly what he'd needed to calm down but kept sending small tremors of fear that the others would yell at them to be quiet. Lance was still caught up from being reprimanded earlier and Hunk was worried this extra sensitivity or disorientation may be a sign that a fever was setting in from being under the scalding water for so long and then right into the cool water.

"It's just us Lance, don't worry," Hunk said as if reading his mind.

Lance seemed to relax a little at that. He stopped tensing and looking towards the door as if at any moment Keith or Shiro was going to come barrelling in to tell him about everything he'd done wrong.

Hunk knew exactly what was going through Lance's mind, what every glance at the door meant, what every tense breath in meant. Lance had confided in Hunk when he was feeling particularly upset. He'd tell Hunk about every insecure thought he had. He also told him that it reminded him of being back at the Garrison sometimes when Shiro and Allura would lecture him, especially when it was during training and he just wasn't getting something they were working on.

Hunk stepped out of the shower first and turned off the taps then held his hand out for Lance to follow. Both were shaking after the shower and Hunk looked around for anything to wrap around themselves. Thankfully the closet was fully stocked and Hunk quickly stripped the rest of his outer armor off and wrapped a towel around himself, still dressed in his under suit. He then wrapped Lance in another towel and grabbed 2 more towels before leading Lance to his own bedroom to grab a change of clothes and then to Lance's where he knew they'd be spending the next couple of dobashes to a varga.

Hunk had started to dry himself off but noticed Lance was struggling to use his hands. Hunk suspected he'd burnt them worse than the rest of his chest and made quick work to help Lance dry off and change into dry pants first, leaving his burns exposed so he could treat them after. He then dried himself off and changed into dry clothes while Lance sat on his bed pressing his hands to his stomach and curling himself around them.

Each Paladin had a small first aid kit stashed somewhere in their room. Hunk and Lance had spent enough time in each others room that he knew exactly where to find it. Lance remained on his bed slowly coming out of the haze he'd been in since Hunk had found him in the showers.

Hunk sat next to Lance and opened the kit. He very gently hovered over Lance's burned skin to ensure it wasn't still hot to the touch or he'd have to get Lance back under cool water. Thankfully he wouldn't have to then proceeded to rub the gel Coran said would heal burns over his chest. He messaged a very healthy amount onto Lances chest then helped him put a light shirt on before starting on his hands.

Lance's hands were almost glowing. The skin was cool to the touch so it would be safe to place the gel on top of them but Hunk was worried about infection setting in. Lance had scrubbed his hands raw. As gently as possible Hunk covered his hands in the gel then wrapped bandages around his hands taking care to wrap his fingers individually so he would still be able to use them. It was not easy but with every passing moment Hunk could feel the tension leaving Lance which made it worth it to take the extra time.

Finally done Hunk looked up to Lance's face. His eyes seemed heavy and Hunk wanted more than anything to let him go to sleep but he'd promised Shiro he would let him see Lance before sleep.

"Lance?"

"Hm?" Lance hummed swaying left and right.

"Are you feeling better?"

"A little," he said quietly.

"Would you be ok seeing Shiro?"

Lance's eyes shot open and he started clambering to his feet. Hunk reach up and pulled Lance flush against him, sending a silent apology when Lance hissed from the contact against his burns.

"Don't worry buddy, he just wants to see if you're ok. He's not mad."

Lance was still rigid against him but he felt him nod. Hunk debated leaving Lance behind but worried they'd come back and he'd be asleep or scrubbing at his hands again, so Hunk helped Lance to his feet and started towards the med bay where he'd seen Shiro last.

Once he realised where he was being lead Lance started to fight. He didn't want to see Pidge and Keith in the pods. He didn't deserve to have his guilt lessened by seeing them in the pods getting better. He needed to stew so that he never let something like this happen again. He also worried Hunk would put him in a pod for the burns and Lance didn't want that. He needed to feel the stinging on his hands so he didn't feel the stains.

Hunk didn't force him any further but didn't let him get away either. Instead he pulled Lance into a hug and leaned against the wall using the castle com system.

"Shiro, Lance and I are heading to the lounge if you want to meet us there," he said then began walking, still supporting Lance in a tight hug, towards the lounge.

Shiro walked in shortly after and noticed Hunk with Lance pulled tightly against him on the couch. From the looks on his face Shiro felt it was just as much to comfort as to keep him from running away. Shiro noted the bandages on his hands and the redness around his eyes.

"Are you ok Lance? I thought you weren't hurt in the attack?" He said kneeling cautiously in front of them.

"It wasn't from the attack," Hunk whispered.

"What happened?"

"I found Lance in the showers. The water was scalding hot and he was scrubbing at his hands. We've treated the burns for now," Hunk still whispered rubbing his hands up and down Lance's back.

"Lance, what's going on? What happened with the showers?"

Lance sniffed and tensed but Hunk soothed him and kept rubbing up and down his back relaxing him slightly.

"They won't come out Shiro," Lance whispered in a voice so small and full of fear.

"What won't come out Lance?"

"The stains," he whispered holding his bandaged hands up to Shiro to see.

"Do you see the stains?" He asked trying to keep his voice understanding and comforting.

Lance shook his head.

Good, Shiro thought. "How do you know they're there?"

"I can feel them."

"Right now?"

Lance shook his head again, "No right now they sting because I scrubbed until I couldn't feel them anymore."

Shiro didn't push the subject further and gently ran his fingers through Lance's hair. Usually Lance would lean into them desperate for affection but this time he leaned away.

"Lance, does your head hurt?"

Lance shook his head.

He tried running his fingers through Lance's hair again and was met with the same reaction.

"Lance what's going on?"

"I don't deserve to feel better," he mumbled.

Shiro frowned. He didn't like seeing any of the paladins like this and it was rare to see Lance feeling like this. A part of him new that Lance must feel this way too sometimes, especially when looking at Hunk's face who seemed unphased by Lance's words. Hunk didn't look like someone hearing this for the first time and it stung Shiro that he'd never noticed before.

"I think he's a little disoriented from a fever setting in," Hunk whispered continuing to rub his hands up and down Lance's back.

"Hunk, I know you want to be here for Lance but I'd like to talk to him just us."

Hunk had let Lance go, who immediately curled away from them on the other side of the couch, and stood up. He wanted nothing more than to scoop Lance up and overwhelm him with cuddles to make him feel better but there was something unsaid in the way Shiro asked him to leave and Hunk trusted in his leader.

"You aren't going to lecture him, are you?" He said unable to hold back the need for reassurance that Shiro would be ok left alone with Lance. He trusted Shiro but he also knew that as leader sometimes he needed to lecture them and Lance just wasn't in a good place to receive a lecture right now.

Shiro shook his head smiling a little, "Hunk I promise I will not get mad or lecture him. He doesn't need anymore punishment and I don't think he ever did over this. Ok?"

Hunk nodded and brushed his fingers through Lance's hair, "I'll come back and get you when you're ready for bed ok?" He whispered then left the room.

Hunk thought that something more happened back on that planet. It wasn't like Lance to get this upset over Keith getting angry at him. He would wait at least a few days before he asked Lance to give him the opportunity to bring it up first.

Shiro felt a little jealous that Lance hadn't shrugged away from Hunk. He also felt ashamed for feeling that way and worried that Lance had shrugged away from him and what that might mean.

He sat next to Lance and waited patiently for him to uncurl from around himself. He wasn't used to seeing Lance look this fragile and he didn't want to make anything worse but he also wanted to talk to him about how he was feeling and what had happened.

Slowly Lance uncurled enough that Shiro felt confident starting the conversation he wanted to have.

"Lance?" Shiro said tentatively and slowly inched closer to him.

"Yeah?" He asked.

Lance was sitting with his knees against his chest and resting his head on them. Shiro had always known that of all the Paladins Lance was the most sensitive, and he certainly didn't feel it was a bad thing. Lance had an uncanny ability to connect with people because of this. He was so open and didn't usually hide from his emotions. But even Shiro had never seen Lance like this. Of course, he didn't think Lance had ever been through something like this before.

"How are you doing buddy?"

"Better," he said.

"Good I'm glad Lance. You do deserve to feel better," he said.

Lance flinched but didn't curl further into himself.

"You saved them. I know you wish you'd been able to do it sooner before either of them got hurt but you saved them."

"I," Lance started. He seemed unsure what he wanted to say and just sat there staring at the floor unblinking and uncertain.

"You did what you had to do to keep everyone safe."

"I wish I'd reacted sooner," Lance said.

"That doesn't matter. You reacted and everyone is safe."

"I," he started then sighed, "Yeah."

Shiro didn't feel entirely convinced Lance was really agreeing with him. But, and he hated to admit it, he didn't really know Lance well enough to tell if he was lying or not.

"I'm not really even sure why I got so worked up Shiro. I'm sorry I'm better now," he said smiling just a little too big.

Lance stood from the couch but Shiro grabbed tightly to his wrist, careful not to touch his bandaged hands.

"It can't be that easy Lance. Tell me about the stains," he said.

The smile fell from Lance's face immediately and he dropped back down onto the couch.

"You ever had a pen explode on your hands?" Lance asked.

Shiro nodded feeling a wave of relief that Lance was going to talk about it.

"The ink dries and no matter how much you rub it with a towel none of the ink will come off but you can still feel it there. Almost like a layer of skin on top of yours that isn't yours. It kind of felt like that. I'm sure it'll go away right?"

"It doesn't," Shiro whispered.

"But,"

"Its doesn't Lance," he said trying not to sound angry but serious, "It lessens and becomes part of who you are but it doesn't go away."

Lance started at him mouth open, eyes big and scared. Shiro rarely talked about his time with the Galra and in the arena but they'd all had their suspicions and even Lance could read enough between the lines to know that right in this moment Shiro was opening up about that time and about the things he had done.

"You've?" He said unable to finish the sentence.

Shiro took a deep breath, "Yeah. It was…. It was kill or be killed in the arena. I've got my own stains to bare."

Lance took Shiro's hand in his, wincing at the pain. He knew that they were moving into territory that Shiro wouldn't be comfortable with and Lance didn't want him to be uncomfortable to get hurt.

"I'm ok now," Lance whispered.

"Lance, I don't think you are," he said using his metal arm to help cool the burns through the bandages on his hand.

"You have more important things to worry about than me right now. Hunk is gonna stay in my room with me tonight ok?" Lance said forcing a small smile on his face trying to convince Shiro that he didn't need to try and make this better.

Shiro was not convinced but he could feel the tension in Lance. He sighed knowing Lance wouldn't be willing to share anymore tonight, and Shiro didn't have the heart to sit him down and force him to either. It was bringing up his own buried memories and feelings and if Shiro was being honest with himself he didn't want to confront them anymore than Lance wanted to talk with him any further tonight.

"You promise you'll come to me if you need anything?"

Lance used his free hand to solute him. That forced small smile graced his features again and Shiro winced. He was learning more about Lance than he had ever realised he didn't know. Lance was always smiling and after watching him force the large smile and then these two small ones Shiro wondered how many smiles Lance forced to put them at ease. How many times had Lance smiled for their sake when he wanted nothing more than to go and cry alone somewhere so that he wouldn't burden them?

Shiro worried about the quick change in him; One moment he was being forced to stay put by Hunk and avoiding the physical contact he usually desperately craves, then the next he claims to be better. He knew better than anyone that Lance was not ok and it was going to take time to get back there. But for now, he would respect his wish to be left to himself and he would monitor him.

For tonight he would leave him with Hunk to tend to his hurts.

"Lance, I want to talk to you more about what happened. About the soldier. I won't push you more about it tonight. But I want you to know that I'm not going to just dismiss this and pretend it didn't happen, and I don't want you to either. I'm here if you want to talk, and I really want you to talk about it. That stain isn't going to go away. It's going to lessen, yes, but it isn't going to go away," he said holding eye contact to ensure Lance was listening, "I just want you to remember one thing. You did what you had to do to keep everyone safe. If you hadn't shot that soldier and killed him Keith and Pidge would not be in cryo-pods healing."

Lance nodded, swallowing a lump then forced that small smile on his lips again. Shiro's heart broke at the sight of it. He would certainly be watching Lance closer from now on to make sure that all his smiles were genuine. He'd have to convince him that it was ok to not be ok first though.

"Chant it to yourself if you ever feel overwhelmed. It helped me," he said and motioned to Lance that he was finished so he could go if he wanted to.

Lance waved and left headed towards the kitchen where he knew Hunk would be waiting.


Thank you again so much for reading this! Chapter 2 will be up very shortly and I've already started chapter 3. I think this will only be 3 chapters but they're at least decent sized chapters. Please feel free to drop a comment, I love hearing feedback. Thank you again for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it!