Chapter 1 Jasper's Story-finding myself again.

Blood depression

A/N not much to say but enjoy. I really liked exploring Jasper's character, as he is so intriguing. Plus I haven't really seen many Fanfics about him so here's another one on the table for those of you who like a little piece of Mr. Jasper Hale. Reviews would be appreciated.

I stood completely frozen, in the mouth of the awning black alleyway. It was just past twilight, and I was glad to be free from my constant pacing in some old ruined house, I was letting my mind go on a wander. Slipping past nearly forgotten human memories mingled with the screams and tortured expressions, I had had to endure since I left what I thought I called home. I had nearly lost my humanity, and gaining it back in the last few years in a whirlwind had been agonizing for me. The hate that had often consumed me and the hate that others felt used to be my constant companion. But now that I had let go of it, left that world, -tasted this new freedom, peacefulness,- that Peter and Charlotte had saved me from… I had nothing to soothe myself with, only the horror, fear and hopelessness my victims felt, left as a residue of my last meal. I cringed at the thought, as my latest victims last emotions washed over me like a wave, pulling my stomach down to the pits of my being. What else could I do? There were little ways I could be killed. If Hollywood had anything right, it was the curse of the blood sucking monsters we were. The dejection I felt was drowning me, pulling me down. It left me heavy hearted. I could not stand it any longer. I let a calming wave pass over my body, it washed away with the black thoughts I had. This was my purpose the predator reminded me, survival. It is the only way. I let my emotions be caged in the back of my head, along with my mind. Instincts and need surfaced from their sleep. Like a switch being turned I changed and devoted myself to the task ahead, completely forgetting my rational self.

My eyes diluted, and rolled into the back of my skull- hiding the deep vortex' with their ruby edged tint. Hungry.- I breathed in deeply, flooding my senses, satisfying them with the numerous smells of prey. The predator triumphed inside of me as the sickly sweet smell of blood reached my nostrils. I shuddered involuntary, with pleasure. My tongue slid over my razor incisors, mouth flooding with venom. How could I have doubted, deprived my desire. I demanded of myself.

The prey advanced closer to my hiding spot, I could hear the accelerated beating of her heart, as the veins pumped the blood through her system, inviting me. He, she… No! I was briefly snapped out of my reverie. Don't think about it! It… the monster reminded me severely. Knowing my bitter weakness. Blowing out the flicker of moral, of sense, of utter despair. My weak flame of resolution. It was moving closer. My senses flared as the smell hit me like a stab in my exposed throat. The monster inside of me burned my throat with excitement of the hunt. Reminding me what it felt like to have such a beautiful, rich, crimson wine pour down my throat. I moaned, nothing felt as good as the taste of their sweet blood on my tongue. The distant ache flared, burning, asking me to quench its fires, -not yet. I warned it. I could not expose myself. I held the monster at bay, as it begged for the rich warm blood, begging me again to let it take over. My need flared as it passed an alleyway further up and continued down the street, my scent pulling her in. I stepped out of the Alleyway.

A female human, about 5 '4, long brown hair pulled tightly into a ponytail, from her stance she was about 17, maybe 18 years old. My senses informed me. I tried hard not to think of the specifics, it was making me sick, I couldn't help it. Not that I needed any of that. What was she but my next meal? That's right, the monster purred in my head, locking my conscious away, along with reason and guilt.

She jumped at my godlike appearance, my raw, alien beauty. She looked me up and down with a feeling of awe, in a kind of seduced trancelike way, but I could feel the undercurrent of her emotions, no matter how much I had tried to dull them, her sharp pang of an unknown fear. I smiled revealing my teeth, slick with venom. Bad move, she started to panic, but she could not turn away from the force of my burning eyes. No matter how strange, possessed and crimson they looked. She had fallen in my trap like a fly into the carnivorous flower. Like a lamb in the eyes of a majestic lion. "Why don't you come with me." I purred, the words slipping out of my mouth like an angels voice, a shower of bells, I couldn't control. A small part of me wished she had run back into the safety of the street lamps. A very small part. The monster was taking lead, as I smelled her perfume of warm rich blood. I could already taste it on my lips as I bent down, as if to caress her neck. Then gently pulled her into the incriminating dark of the Alleyway, as the venom paralysed her body. I felt her panic at her deadened, aching limbs. Fear at the way her strength was ebbing as if she had run a marathon. Lastly her empathy for the loss of her life, love, everything, hit me like a brick wall. The monster me, was reflected in her reeling azure eyes, as I fed. I paused for a millisecond horrified at my self, but the monster and my instincts reared me in, drawing me, drowning me, and pulling me deeper into myself. I lost myself, in that millisecond, as my mind screamed against the bars it was caged in. I could not pull myself away. The woman sunk with me into the void, watching the monster from behind my own eyes, sucking the life out of both of us.

{~.*.~.*.~.*.~}

I methodically burned the body and disposed of it, without thinking about it. But I couldn't help but look as I watched her burn, see her face. The frozen terror plastered on her sweet rounded face. She was beautiful, even for a human. I felt sick, the dejection consuming my being like a black hole as I the world's greatest predator sat huddled in the alleyway, relieving the part of me that had died when my victim's struggles had ceased. My senses caught up with me as she burned. The hopelessness that I experienced after every…. Meal. I felt so weak. I shuddered internally at the thought. Something that I had once been, the emotions I had once felt. Wasn't I once human? The fear and wonder was all too real for me as I remembered my own death. What had been centuries ago, felt like minutes as I had stood over her experiencing her emotions as she died. Feeling the loss of her life and love, I relived all over again, a thousand times. I knew I had been given this power as my curse for all the carnage and sins I had committed in my earlier life. There was no rest for the wicked. I am a cannibal. I thought to myself. I used to think I knew who I was. But the awful truth spilled before me as the stiches I had sewn to keep me together had been shredded apart. I got up reluctantly, waiting myself to break into pieces as the emotions teared at me. I ran, feeling like the weight in my heart was pulling me down, slowing me to an agonizing pace even though the houses flew by me at inhuman speeds. The next minutes were the longest like they always were, while I ran the empathy of her last emotions kept dredging up, even though I pushed them down, they rose to the surface like stubborn pockets of air. After it had seemed like hours rather than minutes I reached the abandoned house I had occupied myself in while waiting for twilight. I stepped gracefully along the ruined floor to seat my self on a musty old chair. I let all my past and present fears consume me. Why did death effect me so badly now? It never had before, especially with my past including the constant grisly carnage I had endured without preservation or thought, except for my survival. At the time it had felt natural, right. Now it seemed sick, masochistic, and morally wrong. Even for the damned. I had seen now why Peter had been so affected by it, the love for charlotte had saved him from my depression, from the monster I had become, created, even in my own eyes. Discovering this had been a physically and mentally destabilizing blow to what I though was right. I had pushed the knife in so far; that by the time I realised it was there it had been festering. Leaving me under the constant cover of my now black moods. Forcing me to steal happiness from other people's emotions to stop myself from turning into to more of a stranger. To try and dull the gnaw of the knife and the monster at my sanity. I should be able to accept the result of the sour aftertaste of my now infrequent hunts, but I wrestled with the side of my remaining shred of humanity that had struggled to the surface… and my instincts. No wonder Peter and Charlotte had been eager to see me go. I was the thorn in their side. Peter, knowing better than everyone else understood my black moods, but couldn't understand why I couldn't get over them. I was the block in their relationship in Charlotte's eyes. They couldn't hide the tenor of their confusion and annoyance at my dark state, my aversion to our natural food source, which I felt after every hunt. Surely this more peaceful life was enough? One day I just left them. They would not of thought it strange. Vampires rarely formed large covens, and were infrequent. Covens were normally formed around relationships, and resource for a certain talent, need or similar vendetta. Threes a crowd, -even in our world-, after all. It was common for us to travel separately or in couples, with a life mate. I had already been here too long. I had, overstayed my welcome. I pulled away from my reverie and felt the air outside too see if there were any hostile emotions. None.

All there was, were a cat. Stalking into the shadows away from my scent.