Took her sandals, took her sundress
Took her ten dollar sand dollar necklace
She left a barefoot beach and a sunset
And all the love we made that night
Took some blame and some time for herself
Pretty much left everything else
It ain't what she took that messes with my mind
It's what she left behind
Bellamy wakes with a start, instinctively reaching for someone on the right side of the bed, but he clutches at thin air and he lets his arms drop to the bed again. He knows she's gone, of course, but it takes him a second to remember. He had been dreaming about her, again, and he feels that familiar twist in his chest as reality comes back to him. He should be up by now, out in the surf, but he finds it hard to find the motivation lately.
He rolls over to her side (well, it's not really her side anymore, he supposes), and it still feels wrong. He sits up slowly and glances at her bedside table. Her alarm clock, a copy of The Casual Vacancy, the earrings her gave her and a bottle of Vera Wang perfume still sit there, slowly gathering dust. He picks up the perfume and gently presses the nozzle, spraying the sweet scent into the air. He instantly regrets it of course, because all it does is make his heart rate pick up, like she's there in front of him.
She's been gone two weeks now, and he hasn't bothered to pack up her things. His heart still aches like it was yesterday. He hadn't noticed she was gone right away. He got back from the grocery store and she wasn't there, and he supposed for a minute that maybe she'd gone down to the beach for a walk or a swim or something. Still, something felt a little off and he checked every room, calling her name.
Most of her things were still there. All her clothes still in the closet. The perfume, the earrings, the book. Her clothes from the night before were still on the bathroom floor. He shrugged off the weird feeling and walked into the kitchen, and it was as he was filling a glass with water he noticed the glinting of a diamond by the sink. He put his glass down slowly, picking up the ring.
"Clarke?" he called out desperately, like she might still be there. Like he hadn't just checked every room, calling out that very same thing. "Clarke!" he called again, and his heart shattered with the sound of the echoing silence through the house.
In retrospect, he realises he should have known proposing to someone you've only known a few months was a dumb idea.
Bellamy gets out of bed wearily, trying to get Clarke out of his mind. It would probably help if he got rid of her stuff. He hasn't even moved the clothes from the bathroom, and he keeps her ring on his nightstand. He pads out to the kitchen and his eyes move swiftly over the letter addressed to him, sitting on the counter next to half a bottle of Merlot. He hasn't read it, and he doesn't plan to. The envelope is dotted with water stains, and he briefly wonders if she had cried as she sealed the letter, or if she'd washed her hands.
He doesn't have any idea what the letter might say. Sorry, probably. Like it would make it any more painless. He doesn't need to know her reasons though. He's not sure what he could possibly read to make him feel better about her leaving. It doesn't really nag him, but he does wonder a little. Not enough to actually read the letter, but he wonders nonetheless. Was it all just too fast? Did it hit her that this was just supposed to be a summer fling and that she had a real life waiting for her? Did she wake up that morning and realise she didn't actually love him? Or maybe she loved him, but not as much as he loved her? Had she been planning on leaving for a while or was it a decision she made on impulse? And would that make it better or worse?
That's why Bellamy won't read the letter. Because maybe she'll tell him she loves him and she's sorry, or maybe she'll tell him the whole thing was a mistake, and he knows neither explanation will fill the aching void in his chest that she left him with.
He only knew her a few months. He met her while she was on vacation, a last childish fling after college before she had to get a job and join the real world. It was silly, he knows now, but he fell in love with her almost instantly. And looking back it should have been obvious she was going to leave him. She talked about it all the time. Not in the "we're going to break up soon" sense, but she would make comments like "when I go back home" or "I can't wait tell all my friends about my summer", and he should have known that he was part of the summer. Even after he gave her the ring.
But she'd said yes. She hadn't even hesitated as she put the diamond on her finger. It wasn't a real diamond, of course. Maybe he should be thankful he hadn't bought a real diamond, but instead he just thinks about how if he'd really believed she would stay he would have bought the most expensive ring he could afford.
As far as he could tell, she had taken her necklace. He hadn't bought if for her, but he was there when she bought it at a market for ten dollars.
"A memento," she told him with a grin before turning around so he could clasp it around her neck. She fiddled with metallic pendant where it fell on her sternum, developing a habit of dragging the pendant up and down the chain.
Bellamy wonders if she'll think of him when she plays with the necklace now. Or if she'll throw it in her fancy jewellery box and forget about it, and along with it all memory of the sunsets she spent on the beach with a man whose dreams she could never live up to.
Note: Basically I think I suck at writing angst bc I'm a sucker for happy endings and also suck at writing emotions so I'm just kinda giving it a shot so I can practice. Feedback welcome.
