Better Than I know Myself

I so blame Adam Lambert for the inspiration for this. I don't own Naruto, which I wish I did.

Chapter 1

His lips pursed at the thought, his mind only focusing on that one thing. In front of him was someone that he practically grew up with. Since his brother's suicide which rocked the family, which was unknown as to why his only sibling would do something like that, he felt close to the only person that his brother was friends with. Since that time that seemed so dark, he had this short – at the time – blond that enjoyed doing things that either got him in trouble or made him feel not normal.

Wanting to say something to him, wanting to talk to him so the silence would end, he stared at the sapphire eyes that were focused on him. It hurt to not get the words out. He just wanted to say the words that were so important to him that they just wouldn't come. Lowering his gaze to the dirt that covered the tan hands, making him realize that he interrupted the blond's time, but it didn't seem important.

"What do you want to talk to me about Itachi-san?" His voice was smooth, calm and collected even if it held a hint of curiosity in them. Tilting his head, feeling the brush of his bangs, he started to wipe his hands on his pants but stopped when he saw the Uchiha turn his gaze back up.

"What did Sasuke say to you the day before he killed himself?" His words almost sounded emotionless but it hurt to even think of the only person that brightened his day's death. Biting his lip to keep his other questions silent, he wanted to hear what the blond had to say.

Nodding and continuing to clean his hands, he started to turn his back to the man that was wanting information that was so important that he kept secret but also wanted to get it out. He wasn't the type of person that would keep secrets but this was the only thing that he held close and away from others. It was the last wish of his best friend so he had to do it or he might not give him a proper departing. "Let's go inside and I'll serve you something to drink."

"Tea." Itachi answered since it was the only thing he would drink besides lemonade and water. Following the blond that was almost as tall as he was, his gaze turned to the roses that were a shade of blue, possibly a remembrance for his lost brother.

Stepping inside and slipping his flip flops off, the blue-eyed man stepped into the kitchen to get what the Uchiha wanted. As he set the water down on the hot plate, waiting for it to boil, he carried himself back out to sit across from the man that he got to know better because of Sasuke's suicide.

"What did he say?" This time Naruto could hear the hurt that was lingering in the usually calm voice. It was weird hearing it come from none other than Uchiha Itachi but he understands how he was hurting. Tilting his head and resting it on the palm of his hand, he wanted to smile so badly. He couldn't though.

"He was scared of doing it. He talked to me about so much stuff that it jumbled inside my head so bad that it's hard to organize it all. He said something about it but I pushed it off as one of those stupid ass jokes that he tried to pull. I shouldn't have though. He talked about a lot of things that day." Naruto said with his voice holding confidence at first but started to fall softer. He didn't have his best friend anymore because of what he did.

"What else?"

Letting his lips part as he looked for the words to answer the question that was directed to him, he sighed. "He said that he loved you a lot, glad that he had you as a brother. He was proud of so many things that he did. The only thing he was really proud of was being your brother. He would probably give up the world just to see you smile once more."

It reminded Itachi that he stopped that one gesture of emotion. Ever since he heard the news of his brother's felo-de-se he didn't have the urge to smile. He just wanted answers that would tell him why his brother would do something like that. It made everyone worry about him because of it but he couldn't even do it. It just made him picture Sasuke and he would just break down. "That doesn't explain why he would do something like that?"

Nodding and bowing his head slightly, his mind filling with everything that his best friend told him over the years, the blond rose to check on the water. Grabbing a mug that Sasuke used to enjoy using, he poured a cup of tea for the only brother of his best friend.

He knew a lot of things that the rest of the Uchiha didn't know. He knew that his best friend wanted to escape the shadow of the Uchiha so he could do what he wanted to do without his father denying him of anything.

Setting the cup down, seeing a budge of a smile that fell into a line once more, Naruto sighed. "He wouldn't be happy if he saw you now."

"He wouldn't be happy with a lot of things that were happening now. Besides my depression, the entire family is still acting like zombies." Itachi stated with his voice almost breaking. He wanted to cry out once more at the thoughts of his brother's suicide. He still wanted to understand why he would do something like that to him. "When did he start cutting?"

That was definitely a tender subject for the Namikaze. Closing his eyes and tilting his head back, his thoughts turned to the subject that was brought up. His mind flashed the images of the scars that would litter his friend's upper arm so he could hide them so easily in the summer, making his breath hitch.

"When did he Naruto?"

"Around eighth grade. He was discovering a lot about himself during that time and he fell into a depression a few times because of it," the blond haired man started and let his eyes open to stare at the ceiling. "He thought it was the best way to get his frustrations and depression out. He thought it was the perfect thing to use for that reason. I hated seeing that on his arms. I've told him a lot of times that he should get him."

Knowing his brother, he would use an excuse from doing so. It was almost like Sasuke to do something like that when he needed someone to let his frustrations out to. Letting his own ebony eyes fall with his glasses coming off his face and setting on the table, he ran a hand across his face. He wished that he was there for his brother more then when he was. "Otouto-san."

"He stopped near the end of that grade. Ninth grade was a different story." Naruto continued but silenced himself as the thoughts of his freshman year filled his mind. He didn't want to remember it, knowing that he could have reached out for his brother like figure so he could still be with them today.

"Tell me." That urge to demand for the other facts that inevitably led to his sibling's suicide, he opened his eyes to stare at the blurring figure of the blond. Taking his hands around the cup and sipping it, he stared at the liquid that rested in it.

Nodding, knowing that he was ready to bawl out at the thought of his friend's death, he lowered his gaze to the table. "It was after or before final exams for the first semester, I can't really remember. I saw something on his arm during gym and demanded what it was. He didn't allow me so I grabbed his wrist and forced him to show me. It was nasty seeing those marks on his body again."

Listening to the breathing that was wavering at the threat of tears, Itachi looked up at the tanned man that was in his brother's class. He wasn't sure how many years it's been since he last saw his brother alive.

"He said it was nothing, the normal response of something you get caught doing. Finally, I pieced it together. He was doing it because he was frustrated with the exams or upcoming exams. Whatever. And of course he was discovering who he was again."

"Why? Why would he do that? That doesn't even sound like the otouto-san I watched grow up." Itachi muttered to himself, but Naruto heard every word of it. Running a hand across his face, feeling the shakiness of them, he knew what was coming next. The almost endless tears that ended in sobs.

"I don't know. I wish I could ask him but I can't. We can't ask him why he did what he did. Why he did what he thought was the right thing to do. We can't do that." Naruto reminded even if it was instilled in everyone's mind. He still had so many questions that desperately needed answers but that'll never happen.

Taking a breath, wanting to turn back time just so he could help his sibling out, but it wasn't possible. It hurt to even think that he couldn't do that. "What else is there?"

Swallowing, wishing he had something to drink so he could keep down the burning in his throat, knowing that it was caused by tears, Naruto rested his hands on his lap, squeezing his pants legs. "Sasuke wanted me to give you something when I thought it was the right time. As he put it, when everyone wasn't crying anymore."

"But! But oka-san is still crying her eyes out because of the fact she had to bury her musuko before she was laid to rest! Did he ever think of that?" Itachi's voice raised, telling him that he was nearing the point of no return on his tears. Rubbing at his eyes, hoping to keep them at bay longer, he felt them fall. It was no use.

Rising from his seat, the azure eyed man went into his room, grabbing the book that his friend wanted to give his brother when he thought it was ready. It made him remember his ebony haired friend more clearly, as if there was no haze that's blocking his vision.

Hearing the dull thud that made him look, wiping at the tears, Itachi started at the leather bound book that had Sasuke's handwriting on it. Staring at it, wanting to touch it so he knew what his brother was wanting to convey to him through paper, he watched as it was pushed to him. "Have you read it?"

"Yeah," Naruto replied with words and a nod. Thinking back at the words that were echoing emotion, he bit his lip. He had no one to look up to when it came time of being weak. He missed the wrestling that they did. He missed the fights that were on purpose to make everyone want to scream at them for being idiots – even when it was over something stupid.

Letting his water-covered hand rub across the surface of the book, staring at the words that were clearly written on it: Sasu's Diary. Looking up at the blond that was holding onto it so long, wanting to ask him what was in it, but he held that desire back. "Anything I should brace myself for?"

That question didn't surprise him. It was Itachi after all, the valedictorian of his graduating class. Closing his eyes and letting his face rest in his hands, he stared at the darkness of his mind. With each picture that raced through his mind, he wanted to say what he wanted to say more and more.

"What was it that Sasuke wanted to be told?" Itachi inquired and reached to open it so he could start reading it but was stopped by a tan hand.

"The reason behind his suicide was because he was gay." Naruto babbled as he fought the tears that were now spilling from his eyes. Shaking his head and frowning, he took a deep breath. "Sasuke was afraid that someone in the family would find out that he was gay. He kept it a secret until someone at school found out. They used it against him. That had to be the reason behind his suicide Itachi, it just has to be."

*sighs and tries to stop crying* I know that this is a tough topic especially since it is happening. It just popped into my head when I was listening to Adam Lambert's new single Better Than I Know Myself. So sorry for the depressing theme for this but I wanted to write it. Please review. I'll even make a special oneshot for the hundredth reviewer if it gets up that high.