A/N: For those of you who have no idea who Kevin Smith is, he is the king of low-budget films such as, Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, all kick-ass movies, so go see 'em. He also uses the same exact actors in almost every movie, example: Brian O'Halloran, Ben Affleck, Jason Lee, Matt Damon, Joey Lauren Adams, and of course Jason Mewes. There are also a kagillion curses, and finally Jay and Silent Bob, so now that you are filled in here is what Pearl Harbor would be like IF Kevin Smith directed it.
"So what are you saying here? I get $135million to make a stupid movie?" Kevin Smith asked amazed by the price. He gracefully accepted and spent $100million on cigarettes. He then called up good friend, producer Scott Moiser; "The people at Touchstone are fucked up." He laughed looking at his money.
"Why is that?" Scott asked.
"They gave me a shitload of money to make a historical flick."
"Cool! Am I going to produce?"
"Who else can I afford?" He then hung up and picked up the script squeezing in as many "fucks" and "shits" and "dick and fart jokes" as humanly possible. "Perfect," he laughed. He then looked down at the list of the cast:
Ben Affleck
Josh Hartnett
Kate Beckinsale
Cuba Gooding Jr.
Alec Baldwin
Dan Aykroyd
By this point he was bored because he had never seen a cast that long, (this was before J&SBSB) "Ooo, Affleck is in this! I just saved $100,000; I can get him for $70,000!" He then called Ben and began to laugh.
"Who is this?" Ben said freaked out, "please, stop calling me! God, save me, take this man away! AHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!"
Kevin hung up, "who the fuck is Josh Hartnett?" He asked being a personal fan of Scream and an anti-hereonearthian. "Cuba Gooding Jr.! Show me the money!" he said, no pun intended.
Filming started in Red Bank, New Jersey at 3:14pm. Ben began to cry as he saw Kevin and Scott waving from their chairs, "first Mallrats," he began to mumble, "then Chasing Amy, then Good Will Hunting, then Dogma, soon Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, after that some movie about his daughter. Will I ever escape him? Dear Lord will I ever lose this large man?" He screamed at the sky with his arms wide.
"Hey buddy," Kevin said. They then began to shoot random scenes, using Ben Affleck's car as the cockpit of planes and Alec Baldwin's yacht as the battleships.
"You're not going to blow my baby up, are you?" Alec Baldwin pleaded as Kevin Smith ignited the boat with a lighter.
"Nah," he replied, "I'm just going to light it on fire."
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" Alec screamed as he began to cry like a woman.
"So what am I supposed to do?" Josh asked sweetly.
"Hmm," Kevin began stroking his beard, "the girls like you don't they?"
"Well, um, I guess?"
"So what's that like?"
"Um, ok?"
"Let's just do a close up of him, and let him make up his own lines, the girls will be drooling so much they won't even understand him."
So they shot a consecutive one take 4 hour long scene of Josh talking about his life and quoting his other movies like, "we're real," and "RUN!!!"
Jason Mewes showed up fully energized by the four pots of coffee he finished moments before. "So, when are my fucking lines, who's in this fucking movie, do I gotta eat anymore of that fucking sugar? Fucking fuck, fuck!"
"Sorry Jay, you're not in the movie," Kevin began, "but hey there are so many people her anyway, why don't you stay?"
"Why the fuck not."
Jason then got into the sight of Ben Affleck, who screamed again, "take me out of this hell hole!"
Kevin eventually made a totally kick-ass movie perfect for any horny 12-year-old boys with tons of nudity and dick and fart jokes. Also with a shitload of cameo's, including one by him as silent bob and jay. But Touchstone laughed at him, spit on his shoes and told him that it was supposed to be for girls! That's why they hired Josh and Ben in the first place! They threw the film away and set the trashcan on fire and then hired Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckhiemer who made a semi kick-ass movie.
Ben Affleck became sane again and you know the rest of all the shit that happened.
Except that the explosion scenes were supposed to be digital but Kevin Smith was so pissed that he fired them that he blew all of the ships up, but don't worry nobody was hurt in the process.
So the next time you watch Pearl Harbor, imagine the great movie that could have been.
A/N: Wow that was awful! So go see a good movie now… go see JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK!!! And you can watch Ben and Matt trash their movies.
Example:
MATT Dude, did you SEE Forces of Nature?
BEN I told you, you do the stable picture first THEN you do the artistic piece.
*~*~*
MATT Listen Bounce boy…
*~*~*
BEN At least I'm not some gay serial killer who rides horses and enjoys playing golf!
*~*~*
BEN (as Chuckie) I don't like the sound of them apples, Will!
What are we gonna do?
*~*~*
Want more? SEE THE FUCKING MOVIE!!!
