Just A Harmless Siege (Couldn't Be Worse Than A Bank Robbery, Right?)

A continuation of "Just A Harmless Bank Robbery"

From Whiplash Productions

Copyright Jazz: Mr. T suddenly appears in a flash of light. "Hey sucka', I pity the fool who thinks this guy owns Swat Kats! My mans from Swat Kats are copyright to Hanna-Barbara, and I don't wanna' hear no jibber-jabber 'bout it! The T has spoken!" Mr. T vanishes.

*Author's Notation: Well, since some of you were just "dying" over my first work, I figured I might as well finish you off. Glad to see some folks who can take a joke and aren't easily offended. Then again, you haven't read this story yet. ;)

--------------------------------The Palace

Queen Callista gracefully perched herself on her bedroom's veranda, observing the countryside before her. A mustached gentleman's head suddenly rose above the veranda wall.

"Pardon me, but do you have any gray poupon?" He asked punctually.

"Heathen!!" Callista shrieked, punching the kat right in the face.

The mustached kat's yell echoed as he crashed through many a tree and ended up landing in a cart full of natural fertilizer.

"Oh crap," He stated furiously.

"Not just any crap, friend, it's wholesale!" The driver corrected enthusiastically.

"Ugh, I just hate cheesy cameos." Callista sighed, "Chambermaid! Get me a stiff drink."

A rather plump looking she-kat entered the room with a jug and a goblet. The jug was filled to the brim with milk. The chambermaid poured a full goblet and handed it to the queen. Callista looked around nervously.

"Um, you have the 'special ingredient', right Mildred?" She whispered, leaning close to the plump kat's ear.

Giving an excited squeak, the chambermaid positioned herself in front of Callista. Waving her hands around mysteriously, Mildred showed there was nothing up her baggy sleeves and moved her paws up behind the queen's head. Snapping her fingers, the maid had seemingly pulled two small vials of liquid from each of Callista's ears. The queen gave an exasperated sigh.

"Was that all?" She exclaimed, giving the maid a dirty look, "I now forbid you from practicing any innocent magic tricks! That sentence will go along with your previous punishments of not speaking, singing, moaning, sitting, hunching, fidgeting, jazzercising, flinching, blinking, eating, and breathing!"

Mildred the chambermaid would have moaned, but she was forbidden to. So instead she meekly handed the two vials of white liquid to the queen. Quickly grabbing the small bottles, Callista pulled off the tiny corks, peered around suspiciously, then quickly poured the contents into her goblet of milk. Giggling sadistically, the queen raised her cup high.

"Just imagine if those moronic town kats ever knew their dear queen was spiking her milk with cream. Ha, they may even actually think that I, Queen Callista, am just like them! Go figure, me, like those petty common folk. Ha ha ha!" Callista laughed gaily.

Hoisting the goblet to her face, Callista downed her milk in one gulp, trickles of the white liquid seeping down her cheeks. Handing the now empty goblet to Mildred, Callista patted her chest with a clenched fist and let out the most amazing belch. As if on cue, there was a large explosion in the horizon and a teeth-rattling boom. Mildred looked at the queen, looked at the jug of milk, looked at the empty vials of cream, turned tail, and screamed right out of that room.

"Mildred! Chambermaid! You are forbidden to scream! You hear me!" Callista shouted after the flying maid.

Giving a pouting look and huffing disapprovingly, Callista turned around to be met by a large mushroom cloud looming in the distance.

"Why that little!!" She gasped, "The Pastmaster's having another one of his barbeques?! And I wasn't invited!?! Oooh!!"

-------------------------------- At what's left of the Pastmaster's castle . . .

The ground was scorched black, and cream pies were splattered everywhere. Mac groaned, his metallic eyes opening. He gasped.

"Molly! Molly!" He screamed, "I can't feel my legs, and I think my circuits are showin'!"

"Stop gettin' fresh!" Molly's voice retorted from a short distance away.

Mac peered to his left. From the corner of his eye, he could see Molly's head, but her body was nowhere to be found.

"Molly! You spontaneously combusted!" Mac shrieked, "Have you been eatin' those rusty washers again? You know how Hackle told ya' to lay off 'em."

"I'm gonna' spontaneously combust you's, bolt head!" Molly yelled, "An explosion blew our bodies to smithereens!"

At that moment, a low groan was heard and a portion of the ground shifted. A thin layer of ash fell from Dark Kat's cloak as he stood up on two shaky feet. Pushing on his back, Dark Kat let out a shriek of pain and relief as his spine realigned itself. He then twisted his neck with a few sickly snaps and did some jumping jacks to finish the job.

"Ah, much better," He sighed, patting his paws.

A horrible thought suddenly struck the big kat.

"Jezebel!!" Dark Kat cried, running around madly.

In his insane scramble, Dark Kat stumbled over Mac and Molly's heads, sending him flailing to the hard ground. The two Metallikats were screaming their heads off, no pun intended.

"Hey! Did you just walk all over my face, stupid?" Mac accused, his head flipped on its side.

"Gee, stupid, I'd have loved to, but only problem is, I don't have a body!" Molly replied.

"Who you callin' stupid, stupid!" Mac challenged.

"You, stupid! Cause stupid is what stupid does, and you've sure done a lot of stupid stuff, stupid!" Molly reared.

"I dare ya's ta' say that stupid sentence ten times fast, stupid!" Mac threatened.

"Cause stupid is what-"

"Will you two just shut, up!" Dark Kat yelled hysterically.

"Who died and made you kat of the year, stupid?!" Mac shouted.

"Look. Have you seen a bull, weighs two tons, about this high?" Dark Kat asked.

"Is that him?" Mac asked, looking at a big rock.

"No."

"Is that him?" Molly asked, looking at a tree.

"No."

"Is that him?" Mac asked, looking at a piece of steak.

"No."

"Is that him?" Molly asked, looking at a scorched VW Beetle.

"No."

"Hmm. Sorry, can't help ya'. Although there is that red bone over there." Mac stated.

Dark Kat gasped, looking around wildly. Once he spotted the red bone, which looked to have a hand on the end of it, the big kat scrambled towards it.

"Jezebel," He sobbed, taking the red bone and clutching it against his chest, "Poor Yorik, I knew him well. I will always keep this red bone with a strange hand at the end of it, to remember you, dear Jezebel. You weren't the smartest bull in the bunch, but you were darn sure the cutest. Rest in peace, my darling Jezebel. Now that you're in the big feedlot in the sky, give old Yeller a bone for me, and tell Scarlet that I do give a-"

Dark Kat peers menacingly at the PG rating.

"Well, you know, Jezebel."

With that, Dark Kat placed the bone inside his cloak, looked up into the smoggy ash filled sky, and-

"STEEEEELLLLLLAAAAAA-Ack!"

Dark Kat broke into a fit of heavy coughing, the dust-filled air penetrating his lungs.

"Curses!" He gasped, choking, "C . . . Can't even grieve . . . without . . . stupid . . . asthma . . .!"

Stirred by Dark Kat's yelling and excessive coughing, the Pastmaster slowly opened his eyes.

"Blast it!" He cursed, "I lost my contact!"

Sitting up, the Pastmaster made sure his timepiece was safely tucked away in his hooded garment.

"Phew, it's there." He confirmed, relieved, "So why does it feel like I'm missing something? Hmm, well, no matter. I must go torture those idiots who crashed my pad."

Standing up, the Pastmaster felt wobbly, unsteady, as if he'd lost his balance completely. Stumbling over to the hacking, doubled-over form of Dark Kat, the small skeleton kat attempted a kick, but instead, missed completely and ended up falling onto his back.

"Oh! Curse my infernal old high school injury!" He exclaimed.

Grabbing his inhaler, Dark Kat took several deep breaths through it slowly and soon calmed his spasmodic coughing. Giving a grateful sigh, his voice still scratchy, Dark Kat turned to the Pastmaster's feeble body lying on the ground.

"Who're you?" Dark Kat asked.

"I am the great all-powerful sorcerer- SPLEEN!!" The Pasmaster suddenly wailed, grabbing his hip.

"Nice to meet you then, Spleen! I'm Dark Kat!"

"I know who you are, stupid! And my name isn't spleen!"

"But you just-"

"Forget what I said! Just-"

The red bone Dark Kat had in his cloak had been jostled violently during the big kat's coughing spasms, and at that moment, it fell out onto the ground.

"Whoops! Dropped my bone!" Dark Kat chimed giddily, picking it up. "Say, this kinda' looks like yours? Well, except for the fact that it's Jezebel's."

The Pastmaster's jaw tightened, and his eyes bulged. Slowly, ever so slowly, he craned his neck around to look at his left shoulder. What he saw was nothing. Nothing, right where his left arm should've been. With nary a whimper, the Pastmaster fainted.

"Holy bolts! Yous killed him!" Mac exclaimed, bouncing up to the scene.

"I saw the whole thing!" Molly shouted, her head hopping there as well.

Dark Kat looked at them pleadingly.

"He died on his own! I swear! He saw Jezebel's remains and totally croaked!" Dark Kat defended.

"Lemme' see dat!" Mac ordered, his head pouncing on the red bone.

"Looks like this is the gramp's arm." Molly stated, following her husband's head.

"Yeah, Jezebel's bone does look similar to his, doesn't it." Dark Kat nodded.

Mac blinked. "Jezebel was a bull . . ."

". . . yeeeah . . ." Dark Kat replied.

" . . .This guys a skeletin of a kat." Molly pointed out slowly.

" . . . and your point is . . .?" Dark Kat prodded.

"Excuse us, we need ta' have a small deliveration." Mac stated solemnly.

"Deliberation, stupid." Molly corrected.

"Hey! Don't start that stupid stuff with me again, stupid!" Mac chided.

So Dark Kat waited patiently as the two Metallikats, down to only their heads, whispered furiously with one another.

"So he's an idiot?" Mac asked.

"Yeah." Molly answered.

"We bury the red guy?"

"Yeah."

"What about the bone with the hand doohickey hangin' off it?"

"Aw, let the schmuck keep it. It'll give 'em somethin' ta' do while we're lookin' for a way outta' here's." Molly replied.

Dark Kat heard a loud "Break!" and soon both of the metallic bobbing heads came up to him.

"Okay. We've agreed that grandpa here died of natural causes." Mac pronounced.

"Poor, Spleen. Lets give him a proper burial." Dark Kat sniffed, wiping a tear from his eye, "It seems everyone I love always dies."

The Metallikats looked at each other uneasily. Meanwhile, Dark Kat happened to fall upon a shoebox that was just lying around.

"It's perfect!" He exclaimed happily, grabbing the Pastmaster's limp body and scrunching it up into the tiny space.

"Oooh . . . good thing he's dead." Mac commented.

Throwing him in, the shoebox landed upside down.

"Ya' put him in the wrong way, bats for brains!" Molly cursed.

"Yeah, that way his ghost would be mixed up if he tried to come back and haunt us." Dark Kat defended.

"G-Ghost?" Mac gulped, looking around nervously.

"Don't be moronic! Ghosts don't exist!" Molly barked.

"I'm not being m . . . mor . . . stupid! I'm being safe!" Mac shot back, starting to hop away.

"Hey! Get back here, ya' wimp! I'm not through with yous yet!" Molly shouted, giving chase.

Quickly pushing the burnt up Volkswagen over the Pastmaster's grave, for lack of dirt, Dark Kat started after the two metallic heads. Mac was coming upon a dark, scary looking forest.

"Cripes! A dark, scary forest! Molly'll never think to find me in here!" Mac thought aloud.

Molly and Dark Kat finally made it to the scene.

"Holy moly! That idiot went into the dark, scary forest." Molly sighed.

"How do you know?" Dark Kat questioned, "Is it because of the head tracks leading into the forest?"

"No." Molly responded.

"Is it because of all the snapped twigs and broken leaves close to the forest's entrance?"

"No."

"Is it because of this large pile of dung that has Mac's face impressed on it?"

"No."

"Then why do you think Mac went into that dark, scary forest?" Dark Kat asked, exasperated.

Molly nodded her head to a small make-shift sign. It read "Mac Metallikat Is NOT In This Dark, Scary Forest!" Dark Kat was confused.

"But that sign says that Mac isn't in the dark, scary forest." He pointed out.

"Exactly! So you knows what that means?" Molly said daringly.

" . . . No . . ."

"It means that lug head is ON the forest! I can always tell when Mac's tryin' ta' pull the steel wool over my eyes!" Molly exclaimed.

"On . . . the forest?" Dark Kat puzzled.

"Can you fly?" Molly suddenly asked.

"No . . . but I can do a swell James Earl Jones impression!" Dark Kat said cheerfully.

"Can James Earl Jones fly?" Molly asked.

"No . . ." Dark Kat responded.

"Then quit bringing him into this! We's gotta' find Mac, and then find a ways outta' this Dark Age dump!" Molly reproached.

Not two steps into the forest, which would be four hops for Molly, two cream pies smacked into both kats' faces.

"Ambush!" Dark Kat cried, grabbing Molly's head and diving into a bush before more pies could pelt them.

Unfortunately, the bush Dark Kat decided to jump into was a thorn bush. Yelping in pain, Dark Kat threw Molly straight up into the air, where she was target to three pies. Quickly pulling the thorns from his tail, Dark Kat realized Molly was missing.

"Mol-Ow!" He shouted, as Molly's head dropped onto his.

Molly was spitting mad and spitting pie.

"Ya' lousy excuse fer a head warmer!" She screeched, "You know how hard it is to wipe pie from your face when ya' ain't gots any hands!"

"Uh . . . wait a minute," Dark Kat said, fumbling inside his coat, "I think I have a seltzer bottle in here somewhere. Let's see . . . chains, no . . . mace, no . . . pepper spray, no . . .pet bat, no . . . shrunken heads, no . . . rubber ducky, no . . . cinnamon flavored sneeze powder, no . . ."

Dark Kat felt a light tap on his shoulder. Turning around, he came face to face with a goofy looking clown.

"Excuse me," Dark Kat stated politely, "but have you seen my seltzer bottle?"

"Daaaaahh." The clown started, "Nope!"

Whipping out a glass seltzer bottle from behind his back, the clown squirted Dark Kat and Molly right in the face. Suddenly, the whole bush was surrounded by clowns, their seltzer bottles and various fake flowers poised at Dark Kat and the one Metallikat.

"You know what I think," Dark Kat whispered to Molly, "I think that clown was lying to me."

Molly just looked at him.

--------------------------------In the shoebox . . .

"Oh . . . my hip!" The Pastmaster whimpered, "Wait! Where am I? Is this . . ."

A golden aura surrounded him, and all the pain left his body.

"Heaven!! . . . wait . . . I could've sworn I sold my soul about two centuries ago! What's the big idea?" He suddenly exclaimed.

"Don't get your cartilage out of whack, Bones baby!" A less than angelic voice suddenly sang.

Covering his eyes, with his only hand, the Pastmaster made out Elvis Katsley shining in front of him. He had a golden guitar in his paws, shades covering his eyes, and a halo dangling from his immense hair.

The Pastmaster gasped. "The King!"

"That's right, uh huh." Elvis replied.

"So . . . am I . . . really . . .?"

"Nope. I'm actually just a figment of your overactive subconscious mind, honey."

"Dabnabit!!" The Pastmaster cursed, "How is that my friends get abducted by UFO's, haunted by the paranormal, and I can't even say Elvis lives!!"

"I'll always live on, in your heart, baby." Elvis sang, giving a small shake of his hips.

The Pastmaster cooed happily. He just loved watching Elvis shake his hips.

"But there's no time for happy thoughts. You're land is in grave danger." Elvis strummed.

"Aw, shucks." The Pastmaster blushed, "I do my best."

"Not by you, Bones, but by some other moronic idiots." Elvis corrected.

"What?!"

"That's right, uh huh. And you've gotta' wake up and send them back to where they came from."

Realization struck the Pastmaster just then, as he realized his arm socket was still vacant.

"Cripes!! So you're telling me those morons from Megakat City are trying to steal my show?!" He shrieked.

"Uh huh."

"Those buffoons? I must be dead . . ." The Pastmaster moaned, holding his head unbelievingly.

"Look, honey, I've already wasted too much of my valuable time chattin' it up with ya', so it's time to wakey-wakey." Elvis stated, looking at his pedicured nails boringly.

In one swift movement, the king picked up his golden guitar and smashed it over the Pastmaster's head.

"Wha? Who? Hair?" The Pastmaster mumbled, opening his eyes.

He was in a shoebox.

"Curses! Those fools must've tried to bury me alive!" The Pastmaster cried, "Unfortunately for them, they fail to realize that I have a Bachelor's degree in coming back from the dead. Mwahahaha!!"

Without giving it a second thought, the Pastmaster began digging his way through the hard soil with only his one arm. Little did he know about Dark Kat's superstitious nature about burying kats upside down.

--------------------------------At the clown posse's very secret hideout . . .

Dark Kat trudged scornfully between two clown guards, Molly's head perched on his shoulder. Water dripped freely from both of their forms, as they appeared to have just gotten the soaking of their nine lives. Molly, surprisingly, wore a cocky smirk.

"I was right, ya' big lug! They do have better aim than Mac! That's ten bucks ya' owe me!" She sneered.

"Curses! I hate water!" Dark Kat announced, "And to make it worse all I have are fifties!"

"Betcha' forty bucks they'll sacrifice us." Molly suddenly stated.

"You're on!" Dark Kat blurted out before thinking. Surely, he figured, these clowns weren't into some cult religion.

"Yeah, yeah," A clown guard ahead was saying to another. "We'll sacrifice the big one and make a nice china set out of the two heads."

Dark Kat's jaw dropped. Molly grimaced.

"That's disgustin'. Just thinkin' about your internal organs bein' eaten offa' my face make's me sick!" She said sourly.

Dark Kat pulled a fifty-dollar bill from inside his cloak and handed it to Molly.

"Molly? Dim Kat? Is it really yous guys?!" A metallic voice shouted.

"Mac?!" Molly looked over to see her husband's head stuck on a pole in the ground.

"Cool, huh? They said I saved them the trouble o' cuttin' my head off!" Mac excitedly stated.

"Yeah . . . whee . . . cool," Dark Kat said, very unenthused. "Wait, did you call me Dim Kat?"

"Hey, Mac! Look how much money I swindled from Dumb Kat here!" Molly shouted, holding up the fifty somehow with no hands.

Anyone within earshot started laughing. Dark Kat blushed furiously.

"Ahem. The name's Dark Kat . . ." He mumbled.

"Dork Kat, Dumb Kat, same difference!" Mac stated flatly.

"Here's a big difference!" Dark Kat suddenly growled, "I'm the one with a functioning body that could crush your head like a can of cheese spread!"

"I'm sure your body could, fatty!" Molly jeered.

"Enough!!" A loud voice suddenly boomed. Three pies smashed into our villains' faces.

An especially short and round clown stepped up to the prisoners. He had on a tattered bowler with the name "Boss" written on the front. Shaking off the pie, the three captured villains couldn't help but giggle and snicker at this 'leader' before them. The clown smiled sadistically.

"I'm glad to see you all find your deaths to be as amusing as I do." He stated, in a very shrill, squeaky, high voice.

The three captives got an even bigger kick out of this and burst out laughing. Turning red and steam escaping from his ears, the boss clown turned around and stormed off.

"Throw them in the pie!" He growled, still in a squeaky voice.

"Hey, guys! They're gonna' make us into a . . . pie! AHAHAHA!!" Mac roared with laughter.

"Yeah! They're probably gonna' sacrifice us to the all powerful Peter Pie- per!" Dark Kat howled.

"My ma' always did tell me to 'turnover' a new leaf!" Molly cackled.

The three cohorts continued to laugh insanely, as they were picked up and indeed thrown into a gigantic piecrust. As their sides ached from laughing so hard, they all could barely manage a giggle.

"Hey! Where's the cream filling?" Mac asked.

This sprung yet another fit of hysterical laughter from all of them, as the boss clown peered down at them from a ladder leaning against the top of the crust. He shook his hand defiantly, but only squeaks were audible, and the three snickering villains couldn't hear one way or another.

"And that's why clowns honk their noses!" The boss's last words finally echoed through the immense piecrust.

"Wha?" Dark Kat asked, completely baffled.

"I thought they were gonna' make us into pie?" Molly questioned.

"Pour in the coconut cream!!" The boss suddenly demanded.

A fierce beeping noise could be heard, and then several bulldozers dumped a whole heck of a lot of coconut cream into that piecrust.

"OH MY-"

"HOLY-"

"MOMMI-"

The three's voices were cut off, as the coconut cream engulfed them, filling the huge piecrust all the way to the top.

"Hoohoohoo! Heeheehee! Haahaahaa!" The boss clown laughed, snatching a bit of cream with his finger. "How sweet it is!"

--------------------------------To be continued . . .

Oh no! Looks like our laugh-happy villains have gotten themselves into quite a predicament . . . multiple chapters! Gasp! Well, hope you enjoyed the first installment and stay tuned for regular developments in this plotline. Hopefully I'll be able to get more accomplished within the next few chapters without them dragging along as this one has. Eh heh . . .