Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Part Deux



It might help to read the first story, "Men Are From Mars, and Women Are From Venus," but it's not absolutely necessary.





"I tell you, I'm getting sick of it," Corran said, taking a sip of his Corellian ale.



"Sick of what?" Wedge asked, distracted. They were sitting in their usual bar, drinking. Also usual.



"Of Mara boasting to our wives how often Luke makes her happy per night," Corran snarled. "Can't she keep it to herself? It's giving them ideas."



Wedge stifled a laugh. "Well, it isn't giving *my* wife any ideas," he said.



"Oh, really, Antilles?"



"What's this, Horn?" Wedge said mock-horrified. "You mean *you* and Mirax don't do it three times per night, and again in the morning? And you a Corellian? I'm shocked----!"



"Put a sock in it!" Corran cried. "I thought there was nothing worse than them not doing it for eight years. Well, I was wrong! Them doing it all the time *is* worse!"



"Oh, give them a break, Corran," Wedge said. "They have eight years to make up. They'll ease up after awhile."



"You think," Corran said, morosely. "Who knows what effect the Force will have? This may be permanent."



"Well, I doubt it, but if it is, just be happy for them, then," Wedge said.



"You're hopeless, Antilles."



"The term is 'hopeful,' Horn."



Corran snorted. Wedge gave him a narrow look. "I do believe he's jealous," Wedge observed.



"I wouldn't mind being telekinetic, if that's the result," Corran muttered.



"I suspect you need two telekinetics. Can you see yourself with Mara?"



"That brave I'm not," Corran said, shaking his head.



"No argument, Horn. Neither am I. So let's just leave Mara to Luke and be glad they're making each other happy, okay? Hoth knows, neither of them have had much of it in the past."



"Too much excess is bad for them," Corran said piously. "So I took care of it."



Wedge stared at him, narrow-eyed. "What did you do, Corran? Come clean."



Corran smirked. "Nothing, really. I just brought it to the Chief of State's attention."



"Leia? Why should she care?"



***



Which was exactly the same question Luke asked, some time later. He was sitting in his sister's apartment, listening to her lecture him. And trying to keep a straight face. This wasn't too easy, because behind her back, her irreverent husband was doing a spirited--if soundless---imitation of her, putting his hands on his hips, pursing his lips judiciously, and then wagging his finger at Luke. The mimicry was perfect.



Luke bit his lip. Leia's eyes narrowed, and she whipped around, glaring at Han. He quickly dropped the wagging finger and gave his wife a wide, insincere smile.



"Were you saying something?" Leia inquired frostily.



"Nope, but you were. In fact, you were saying rather too much," Han said, frankly. "Luke hasn't just hit puberty, so give it a rest."



"Sometimes, he behaves like it, though!" Leia said, offended. "But it's no use! Men never listen!" She gave them both a exasperated look and stomped out of the room.



Han popped open a non-alcoholic drink, and handed it to Luke.



"What was that all about?" Luke asked, taking it.



Han sighed, snagged a Corellian ale for himself, and folded himself onto a chair. "Translation from woman-speak," he said. "Somebody told her about it. It didn't come from you. She's offended."



"Is that all?" Luke asked, his face clearing. He sat down.



"That's just point one. Point two, Mara."



"What about Mara?" Luke asked, puzzled.



"You didn't consult Leia first. If you had, Mara would have been an okay choice. Since you didn't, she's a wicked siren seducing you from your duty. I mean Mara, in case you didn't recognize her."



"I didn't. And she didn't seduce me. Booster fixed us up."



"Booster?" Han said, surprised.



"Yeah."



"Let me get this straight--Booster Terrik fixed you and Mara up?"



"That's what I said."



"And I missed it!" Han said, awestruck.



"From a participant's viewpoint, it wasn't fun at all. But it was effective," Luke said.



"I'm not surprised. Point three: your matchmaker was a notorious pirate, not your loving sister."



"I'll tell you something, Han: Booster is a helluva lot better at it than Leia is."



"That's because he thinks like a man instead of a woman," Han said. "Point three: Leia thinks sex is bad for you. Turns your head, or something."



"I see. And is it bad for her?"



"Of course not, but then, she's not a man. Women think men are obsessed by sex."



"And they're right about that," Luke sighed.



"Are they ever. Point four: logic has nothing to do with it. That's why she's always trying to fix you up. She can tolerate you having sex if she chooses your partner. And if she chooses your partner, your enjoyment will be a distant memory."



"You've met all my prospective fiancees, I see."



"Oh, yes. Every last one. She shows them off to me--with great enthusiasm---prior to their exposure to you."



"Didn't you tell her they aren't my style?" Luke asked plaintively.



"Oh, sure. She doesn't care about *my* opinion. Not on things like that. I'm a guy, after all."



"Just a minute, Han. Why does she get a vote here? I never had any input into any of *her* choices. She never asked me if she could marry you, for instance."



"Why, would you have objected?" Han asked, with interest.



"Shit, yeah."



"I'm touched."



"You should be. Just for the record: saving my life more times than I care to mention is not a qualification to shtup my sister."



"I'll bear that in mind," Han said, grinning.



"Good. The point is, however, I didn't get a vote," Luke said. "Neither did you, as I recall. She wanted you. End of discussion. She told me you two were getting married. I'm not really sure she bothered to notify you, or not. Told me I was best man. Ordered me to get a shave, a haircut, a shower, and show up at the appointed time. My role in this was to say 'Yes, Leia,' every five minutes or so."



"I have news for you: that's the role of every male in Leia's life. Women, of course, are different."



"True," Luke said, sighing.



"Hah!" Han said, obscurely.



"What's that mean?"



"Well, how long have you and Mara been a couple?" Han asked.



"About two months," Luke said tentatively.



"And everything going well?"



"Yeah, fine. Great."



"Well, hope you enjoyed it. Now comes the hard part," Han shook his head.

"Come again?"



"Well, you're together, right? Now everybody is going to start to second guess you. Your relatives, your friends. You watch out. Happened to me and Leia. We very nearly didn't survive it."



"Excuse me, I did *not* second guess you," Luke said indignantly.



"Not you, that's true---by then, Leia had you properly trained. But everybody else wanted to shove their oar in, and didn't hesitate to do it," Han said, grimacing.



"Mara would never listen to--" Luke began.



"Mara may be able to fight like a man, but she's a female, as I'm sure you've noticed. Which means she *thinks* like a female. And that means you'd better watch out."



"In what way?" Luke asked.



"Well, for instance, a few days ago, Leia comes home after a long day of running the galaxy, and I'm preoccupied and don't put a lot of emotion into saying hello. Well, hell, her mind goes into overdrive. She says to herself: I bet he's bored with me! I bet he's got another woman! I bet he's going to divorce me! I bet he'll get custody of the kids! I bet the holorags'll have a field day! Next thing I know, she's practically beating me over the head, swearing that I'll never get custody. And I'm thinking: what did I miss here? And do I need to tell you what I was actually preoccupied about?"



"A hangnail?"



"No, but you're close. I needed a new magno-mechanism for the Falcon, and I was trying to remember where I'd bought the last one. But she absolutely was sure I was divorcing her on that much data. Women can construct these elaborate paranoid scenarios on *no* evidence whatsoever. I'm just warning you."



Luke grinned.



"You may smile, Luke, but I'm serious," Han predicted, darkly. "You watch out."