Disclaimer: I don't own the characters in this fic...If I DID own the characters, I'd have Charlie all to myself! And Neil would still be alive...and Charlie would be mine...and Mr. Keating would still have his job...and Charlie would be mine...and Chet Danbury would have his but kicked by Knox...and Charlie would be mine...and it would have been Cameron that would have been expelled...and Charlie would be mine...and Todd would have a back bone...and did I mention Charlie would be mine? I did? Oh...Okay! Well then. It's settled. Charlie would be mine if I owned the characters.
HOWEVER...I have this affinity for Todd Anderson and decided to every once in a while write a drabble from his 'journal'. Of course they'll be short. I sort of think these would be the words he'd write if he kept a journal. Hope you all enjoy!
I have neglected this journal for a long time. I know it, but we've been so wrapped up in things. The DPS and schoolwork and I set this aside, intending to write in it more than I have, but it's apparently fallen into disrepair.
When one finds their voice, it's hard to let it go.
I'm not sure when it started, really. Well, I mean I know where I found my voice…but, when it started to really want to be heard, I'm not sure.
After the poetry issue with Mr. Keating, I found myself struggling. Not with finding my voice, but when to say something and when not to. I'm not exactly Charlie. Charlie is…well, he's daring. I admire him for that to a point. He can go too far though. He's not afraid to push the limits and cross that line. I mean, he's…he's very…he knows who he is and what he wants from life and I don't imagine him taking things sitting down.
Unlike me…I'm still scared.
Neil's play is coming up and honestly…I can't wait. He's brilliant. I've had a shot to rehearse with him and he's quite moving. He's so sure and confident in himself. It's hard to look at him…to see how he shines…how he seizes life by the horns…to see him laugh and know that his dad is controlling practically every move Neil makes. Does Neil care? Yeah, I'm sure…but you can't look at him and tell.
He's so undaunted.
He's so…Neil has this ability to just…I admire him. I think Charlie said it best when he said (when it was just me and him after one of the Saturday meetings. See…I can talk to Charlie like I can talk to Neil. Charlie's like Neil in the way he quietly demands respect and people listen to him…) that I practically hero worship Neil. Charlie's right.
I look up to Neil and Charlie doesn't realise that I also look up and hero-worship him.
I always thought that you hero-worshipped those who are years…if not decades…older than you. Guys like Einstein or Freud. Even Mr. Keating. But, Neil and Charlie are my age.
And they stand there…helping me to find what's there…what's left of my voice…so I can speak out. I only hope that by the time I discover the depths of my voice, it's not too late to say anything.
