"Disclaimer: 1) a renunciation of any claim to or connection with; 2) a disavowal; 3) a statement made to save one's own ass" ~Kevin Smith, Dogma

In other words, we all know we don't anything TVD, we all wish we did...down to every last snarky comment (insert eye-thing and sexy smirk here)

A/N; I always get nervous when I open a story and there is no author's note...

So, this is my catharsis...my purging of everything I've been mulling over from every episode since crazy Stefan made Klaus blink and Damon said those fateful words, "It's right...just not right now." Although the last episode really set me off.

This is a one-shot...my muse wouldn't let be continue my other story, until I got this out of my system and back in the right Delena-frame-of-mind.

(P.S. Shameless promote of my other story...Twisted Switch; chapter 5 just updated...Elena a vampire? Katherine a human? Spell gone wrong, or spell gone right?)

Also, this may turn out be a little out of character...but my muse, and my Delena-soul, needed it.

Hope you like...Happy Reading!

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What I've Been Missing

Elena, Today I did things I abhor to protect the one thing I value most...my family.

If anyone can understand that, it's you.

Your compassion is a gift, Elena. Carry it with you, as I will carry my regret.

Always and forever,

Elijah

Elena read the note over and over. She couldn't move past the ball of anguish deep in her stomach and the heaviness weighing down her heart. Her feelings of guilt wouldn't ease up. Guilt over Bonnie's mother. Guilt over deceiving Elijah. Guilt over throwing Damon's feelings back in his face. Elena just couldn't make it stop.

She took a long, deep breath. Stefan. She had tried to reach him the night of the ball, but it didn't seem to help. Was he really gone? Stefan had seemed so destroyed when she told him that her and Damon kissed. But he still seemed distant. How much longer could Elena hold out hope? Did she actually think they would get back together?

Elena fidgeted in her room. The idea of being all alone was driving her crazy. The house seemed so much bigger with no one in it, yet the walls felt like they were closing in.

Unwittingly, she read the note again. Today I did things I abhor to protect the one thing I value most. Words kept creeping into her mind. 'I will always choose you.' Elena couldn't keep her mind off those words. Those haunting blue eyes, boring into her, trying to make her understand that he would sacrifice anything for her.

Today I did things I abhor to protect the one thing I value most. She thought about the night Katherine had sauntered in with a bottle of Klaus' blood, saving Damon's life. Stefan had sacrificed his freedom, his humanity, and their relationship to save his brother.

Even Elena wasn't immune. If anyone can understand that, it's you. She did understand. She had sent her own brother away. Had his mind compelled...taken his choice away. Bonnie forgave her once for taking someone she loved away. Could she forgive her again?

Caroline's words echoed through Elena. Bonnie didn't want to see her, didn't want to talk to her. The more Elena thought about it, the more conflicted she became. She wanted to be there for Bonnie, to comfort her friend. She felt responsible, even if it had been out of her hands. It was because of her that Abby was turning into a vampire.

Elena considered anger towards Damon, but it just wouldn't come. She wanted to be mad, to hate him. She tried and tried but her mind kept coming back to Elijah's note. If anyone can understand that, it's you. She understood why he did it.

The emotions were rising up faster and faster. How could she not be mad at Damon for what he did to her best friend's mother? It wasn't right. Then again, nothing she was feeling was right. Elena had to get out of there.

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Elena sat in her parked car, cell phone in hand. She swallowed hard, closed her eyes, and took a deep breath as the phone rang.

Hello?

"It's me."

I know it's you. What do you want, Elena?

"I need you to come to the Grill. It's important."

What's wrong?

"Will you just...please, just meet me there...ok?"

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. Yeah, sure. I'll be right over.

"Thank you."

Mm-hm...whatever. The phone hung up on her.

She put down the phone and watched as Damon walked out of the front door of the boarding house, pulling on his jacket. He was half way to his blue Camaro when he saw Elena sitting in her car watching him. Damon narrowed his eyes. He started to walk her way, and she got of the car.

"Little creepy, don't you think? Calling me like a stalker from my driveway? What are you on a stakeout, or something?"

"Or something," she said quietly.

"Thought you wanted to meet at the Grill."

Elena shifted uncomfortably. "I just said that to get you out of the house. I didn't want Stefan to hear."

"And what exactly don't you want Stefan overhearing?"

She just stared at him. There was no mocking in his voice. No sexual undertones. Elena was used to eye rolls and eyebrow raising. The lack of Damon being Damon was making her terribly uneasy.

In her attempt to ignore all that, she was able to blurt out, "I have to get out of here!" He just looked at her with a bewildered expression. And when he didn't speak, Elena continued, "Damon, I need to get out of this town! At least for a little while."

"You came to tell me you're running away?" Damon drawled out his words, and gave the tiniest hint of a smirk. For some reason, Elena started to feel more at ease. This was what she knew. This was what she missed.

"Bonnie won't talk to me. She won't even see me."

"You do realize you're talking to the reason Mama Witch is in transition?"

"I know, but I just can't care right now. I understand why you did what you did." The words left her so fast, that Elena didn't realize what she actually said until she noticed the look on his face. It was contorted somewhere between pity and relief.

"Why are you here again?"

She took a deep breath, took a step closer, then said, "I thought you might know a place to escape to." She gave him a coy little smile.

"Don't, Elena. Don't do that."

"Do what?" Her smile had dropped, and she was starting to feel a little aggravated.

"That Elena-thing-you-do. That thing where you assume I'll do anything you want, anytime you want."

Elena knew he was right. When everything else was crumbling, she ran to him. When the floor fell out beneath her, she looked to him to catch her. Damon had become the person she assumed would always be there, and she was just now realizing that she took it...she took him...for granted.

"You're right." She took a moment to swallow her pride. "I know I do. I'm not sure if I mean to, but I'm sorry, ok?"

"Wow," Damon exasperated with a large roll of his brilliant blue eyes. "That apology was horrible. Are you not used to being wrong? Or do you not like admitting it?"

Elena was annoyed at just how right he was. "Look, I didn't mean to come here for a heart-to-heart."

"Why did you come?"

"I came," she didn't mean to, but she took another step closer, "Because I need to get away, and I want you to come with me." Elena paused to try and read his face, but he gave nothing away, so she continued, "Damon, I'm going with or without you. I was just hoping that it would be with you."

Damon let his face relax as her words washed over him. Then he furrowed his brow again, and he asked, "You're driving?" She gave him a nod. "Fine. I'll give you directions."

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After a while of driving, Elena finally asked, "So, where are we going?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes," she quipped with a tinge of annoyance.

Damon laughed, "What happened to the new you? The run-away-and-leave-my-problems-behind-Elena? Throwing cation to the wind got the better of you?"

She clenched her jaw, and stayed quiet. A moment later, a smiled crossed her face. "I just wondering if there would be alcohol there."

"So that's a no on the bible study? Ok, road house bar it is."

"Fine." She tired to sound triumphant, but Damon just laughed again.

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They finally arrived at a little dive bar somewhere in Raleigh, North Carolina. It looked a bit like Bree's Bar in Georgia. Elena wondered what Damon's fascination with bars like this was.

A big smile spread across Damon's face as they pulled into the parking lot. Elena couldn't help but be interested by the look on his face. "Pull over there," he informed her. "The bikers get pretty pissed when you take the spots in front."

"So how do you know this place?" She remembered the way he had greeted the owner of the last bar they went to together.

"I used to party at the college nearby. Don't worry. I always kept a low profile here."

They both got out of the car, and went into the bar. It was definitely a biker's roadhouse. It was still daylight and not too busy. Elena expected Damon to lead her to the bar, but instead he sauntered over to a small corner booth. He slid in and let out a sound like he had just slipped into a warm bath. "This brings back memories."

She gave him a sideways look and sat next to him. "What kind of memories?" But they were interrupted by a waitress with tattoos, piercings, and a pin-up girl hairdo. Damon ordered a couple of shots and a couple of beers. The jukebox started up, so they just sat and took in the atmosphere and waited for their drinks.

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"You know I haven't really eaten today...so, you might have to carry me out of here," Elena informed him as she downed her second shot.

"Yeah, well, you can sleep it off in the parking lot." He smirked, "Good to see you can still unhinge your jaw like a snake."

"It's good when some things don't change." Elena gave him a warm smile.

Damon started to smile, then stopped himself. "Elena, are we going to play this game all night? And don't say 'what game?' because you know perfectly well what I mean." When he looked at her, his eyes were filled with a mixture of hope and hurt. "Why did you ask me to come with you? Why come to me?"

"Do you want me to be perfectly honest?" Damon nodded, although he was feeling hesitant about hearing the truth. Elena continued, "I've missed you."

Just as he started to respond, the waitress came with another round of beers. Damon made a mental note to get back to what she meant. "I think we're gonna need some food. Does this place still have the best sliders in North Carolina?" The girl gave him a smile and said something annoyingly charming. "Great. Two orders. Oh, and if you still have those crab fries with the cheese sauce...we'll get some of them too."

After she walked away, Elena turned to him, "How much time have you spent in this place?"

"Are you trying to get me off track, Elena?"

"No." But she was. "I understand why you slept with Rebekah...by the way."

Damon raised an eyebrow. "I thought you didn't want to have any heart-to-hearts."

"I changed my mind."

"So, you understand why I killed Bonnie's mother, and now you understand why I had a tumble in the sack with Original Barbie. What suddenly made you become so insightful?"

"I'm not sure you'd want to hear why," Elena said cryptically.

He narrowed his eyes, but gave in. "Alright, so tell me...why did I sleep with Rebekah?"

"To hurt me." Elena sounded confident, and surprisingly without a trace of resentment.

"Eent," Damon made a sound like a game show buzzer. "Wrong."

"Am I?"

"Elena, did you ever think I slept with Rebekah because I just needed to get laid?" She blushed, and Damon obviously found this amusing. He gave her a sideways smirk. "Don't you ever need to just...get off?"

Elena had been peeling the label off her bottle of beer. She gathered her composure, and looked Damon straight in the eye. "Ok. Then why Rebekah? Why not some random girl at the bar?"

"She was the random girl at the bar. It just worked out nicely for me that she was also a vampire."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Elena regretted the question even before she asked it.

He had his full 'Damon' on now. He gave her a suggestive eyebrow raise, and a cocky smirk. "You don't exactly have to be gentle." She tried not to scowl, but couldn't help it. He let out a little chuckle, followed by a heavy sigh. "Ready for me to change the subject? So...why have you missed me?"

Elena looked at him plainly, and watched as his cockiness dissolved. He patiently waited for an answer.

"I've missed you, because I've missed us. I've missed my best friend." She took a deep breath, "I'm tired of feeling guilty. All I ever do anymore is worry, and feel bad about things that I'm realizing I can't control. No matter what I do, someone always gets hurt. I can't save everyone. I can't keep people from getting hurt. And now I feel like I've pushed the one person away that I thought would always be there, and I miss it. I miss you."

Just as Elena ran out of breath, the waitress with perfect timing brought the two of them their food. Damon smiled awkwardly and thanked the girl. Elena was eying everything but Damon, but he couldn't help but just stare at her.

"So...you miss me?"

She brought her eyes up to meet his. Elena was surprised at how sincere and inviting his eyes were. She began to smile. "Yes Damon, I've missed you."

"We're being perfectly honest?" She narrowed her eyes, and slowly nodded. "I've missed you too."