"Jonny!" Jac's anguished cry brought him back to her side in an instant. Not that he could do anything to help really, missing even the opportunity to have her crush his hand as she was holding on to the sides of the bed as if her life depended on it. He glanced over at the monitors registering the strength of the contractions – 103, 104 –surely that couldn't be right?
"Mr T," he called over to the obstetrician. "There's got to be something you can do; she's in agony."
"Sorry Jonny," Mr T replied, "we've still not got an anaesthetist and she can't have pethidine, so gas and air is the only thing we've got to offer her at the moment."
"It's bloody ridiculous," Jonny railed at him, "no bloody anaesthetist! She's a sodding consultant here and she can't even have the proper pain relief."
"I'm sorry Jonny," Mr T said, "I really am, but it's not a good time of the year and that r.t.a.'s really stretched us. As soon as somebody's free they'll be along here mate, I promise."
"I know it's not your fault," Jonny said, the anger fading as quickly as it had flared, "it's just not bloody go…"
"Jonny!" Jac's voice immediately pulled his attention back to her and, although it wasn't quite so anguished, he could still hear the pain in it and a glance at the monitor told him that it was so. That although the numbers were falling – 86, 85, 84 – they were still high. He looked at Jac still clutching the side of the bed, although perhaps not quite so tightly, and thought again how much he wished this could all be over, or even that it could be happening to him rather then her. There had been lots of talk on Darwin and, no doubt, the rest of the hospital about how bad the labour would be for him. He had even been given a pair of ear plugs and goal keeper's gloves by the porters when it had become general knowledge around the hospital that Miss Naylor was pregnant. But he would have given anything to have her screaming and swearing at him, calling him all the names under the sun, rather than the look of quiet desperation he saw etched on her face now.
"It's OK sweetheart," he said, realising that she had released her death grip on the bed and that he could at last pick up her hand, "you're doing great." And the fact that she didn't bite his head off for 'spouting meaningless platitudes' at her was another indication, not that he needed one, of how alien this situation was. It didn't help that they hadn't been prepared for this. That Jac's premature labour had caught them all by surprise, although, given everything that had gone before it shouldn't have done, he thought ruefully. It had sent Jac spinning off into panic mode desperately trying to retain control, then as events progressed, unable to but still, as ever, unwilling to relinquish it. Another glance at the monitor told him that this contraction was now passing and, as the numbers continued to fall he saw and felt Jac relax. He looked back over at Mr T and Jean, wondering what they were discussing – torn between trying to find out and staying with Jac. Dr Lyons popped her head around the door and Mr T, noticing her, went over to join her, leaving Jean explaining something to Simone.
"Jonny?" Jac, who was watching all this intently, said anxiously.
"It's OK," he automatically reassured her, trying to imbue his voice with a confidence he didn't feel and smiling down at her whilst gently squeezing her hand.
"How the hell would you know?" she bit back, and he was, perversely, pleased that she still had some fight left in her.
"I'll find out," he answered, trying to placate her and noticing that Dr Lyons had left he called over "Mr T, what was all that about?"
"Dr Lyons was just checking how things were progressing, and what the situation is," he explained. "That's all."
"And?" Jac demanded. "What is the situation?"
"Well baby's heart rate is a little slow but there have been no more signs of obvious distress, and the oxygen we gave you seems to have calmed things down for the moment. But we do need to get her out sooner rather than later, so we may need to consider other options if things don't keep moving along.
"Other options?" Jonny queried, beating Jac to the question and realising, as her hold on his hand tightened, that her reticence was due to the onset of another contraction. A quick glance at the monitor confirming this, as the numbers rose steadily but rapidly.
"Remember your breathing dear," Jean said, suddenly appearing, trailed by Simone, on the other side of Jac's bed,. Jonny expected a sharp retort from Jac, and was surprised when it didn't come, although was relieved to see she did still briefly manage one of her infamous 'death stares', before her face became contorted with pain.
"Take some more gas and air," he said as Jac struggled to sit up.
"I… I need to wa… to get up" she gasped out.
"Jac, I'm sorry," Simone quickly interjected, before Jean could, "you can't. The monitors," she continued, indicating the plethora of machines Jac was wired up to, "they won't work if you move around." She had already explained this to them both twice before, but Jonny knew Jac hadn't processed the information properly. And he felt sorry for Simone – as a student midwife only normal births counted for her portfolio, and it was obvious that this wouldn't be that from the moment Jac had appeared in the delivery suite. But she was good with Jac, something about her just seemed to click with the fiery consultant, in a way that was never going to happen with Jean Rimini, and he was glad that she was there.
At Simone's words Jac sank back onto the bed, a look of defeat briefly passing over her face before, after taking another gasping breath of gas and air, she continued to fight through the pain, her grip on Jonny's hand growing tighter and more painful as the seconds passed. And just when he thought it would never end and that he would be the first man to lose some fingers during childbirth as a result of lack of blood flow, he felt her grip loosen very, very slightly and a glance at the monitor revealed a very slight decrease in the numbers displayed there – 126, 124, 123… And moments later, when the figures had dropped into the 60's, Jac announced in a quiet but determined voice "I am NOT having a c. section, not after all this."
xxxxxx
"OK Jac" Mr T said, "the shoulders are nearly there now, I think we'll need just one more big push with the next contraction and she'll be out. OK?"
"OK… OK." Jac replied, through gritted teeth, before taking another deep breath of gas and air, and holding Jonny's hand with a vice-like grip she continued. "Right, it's coming," and as the contraction progressed, and the pain danced across her pelvis until it settled exquisitely to a fine point which seemed to tear her in two, she pushed with every ounce of strength and concentration she had…
And then suddenly it was over and she was out. And Jonny's heart almost broke as he saw the stricken look on Jac's face as their daughter was whisked away from the arms that were desperate to hold her, by Mr T. Jac's gaze was fixed on the group of professionals gathered around the small cot opposite the bed as they worked on her and when Jonny finally managed to make out what she was saying, over and over again, he felt himself go and no longer able to control his emotions, his eyes filled with tears and he had to sit down, holding tightly to Jac's hand. "Breathe for mummy. Breathe for mummy. Breathe for mummy."
xxxxxx
Forty minutes later he stood outside the delivery room having just returned from giving the news to Mo and Sacha. He took a deep breath to compose himself before pushing on the swing door and entering the delivery room, and approaching the bed he said, "Sweetheart, meet your new baby sister"
And Jac who hadn't appeared to notice him coming in, seemingly entranced by her new daughter who was lying starfish-like on her chest, getting the skin to skin contact that all the experts recommended, looked up suddenly and said, "Jonny – its not meant to happen like this." Before noticing how her, now, eldest daughter, was wriggling in her daddy's arms in a desperate attempt to reach her, holding her arms out in that beseeching way that she could never resist, she instinctively reached up for her with one arm whilst shielding the new baby with her other and carefully shuffling over slightly on the bed..
And Jonny said as he gently placed Ellie down on the bed by her mum where she instantly nestled into the space Jac had made for her under her arm, although luckily not too close to the baby. "She won't remember this, and anyway she was asking for you, and you know I can never resist those eyes of hers."
"Mm" Jac said non-commitally, planting a kiss in her daughters curls, before asking. "What's she doing here anyway?"
"Oh – Mo picked her up from the nursery but she didn't want not to be here so she brought her in."
"But she's had something to eat since tea right?" Jac asked concerned, gazing at her daughter anxiously as if expecting to see indications of malnutrition there.
"Yep," Jonny reassured her, "Mo said Louise said that she'd only eaten about half her tea – apparently it was pizza" he continued pre-empting Jac's question, "so Mo got them to do her a round of beans on toast in the canteen which she polished off no problem, ooh and she had a yoghurt for afters too," he added.
"Ok then" Jac said, looking down at her daughter before again gently kissing the top of her head, and then after repeating the action with the new baby, saying, a note of wonder in her voice and a 1000 watt beam slowly appearing on her face, "I can't believe this is real – it's almost too incredible." And as she looked up at him, and he felt himself returning, and matching her smile, looking down at 'his girls' he had to agree with her – it really was incredible!
That they should have one daughter, with all the problems that Elodie had had, was sometimes, he thought, little short of a miracle, but to have two seemed to have plunged both him and Jac into the realms of near impossibility. He knew that this new baby, their new daughter, should never really have been – Jac's endometriosis and the fact that she was still breast-feeding at the time (even if they had begun to wean Ellie) being almost insurmountable obstacles to her existence. But he had his own ('widely romantic and ridiculous' according to Jac) theory as to how she'd beaten those odds, knowing as he did, despite Jac's insistence that he could never be sure, the moments when she was conceived. He knew because, to him, it was obvious – it had to be then – their first time as an engaged couple when they were both so happy that the northern lights had danced for longer, and more brightly, than ever before or since. And despite Jac's perfectly reasonable assertion that they weren't exactly short of occasions that could have made this happen from that time, he was still convinced that he was right AND it fit in with all the dates and measurements that the hospital (or to be more exact, Mr T) had given them.
And there'd been none of the early drama that had accompanied Ellie's first few weeks – no spotting or cramping. In fact Jac hadn't even suspected she was pregnant, assuming the changes she was experiencing were down to her cutting down on Ellie's feeds, until Mo had jokingly mentioned that her bum had changed 'just like when you were pregnant with Ellie'. And even then Jac hadn't thought much about it until she got a sudden craving for anchovies and chocolate again, at which point she'd taken three pregnancy tests just in case the first two were faulty. And he'd been surprised how calm she'd seemed when she'd showed them to him – two babies in less than two years had never been part of her plan although, he thought with a wry smile as he sat down on the bed, one baby, ever, hadn't really been part of her plan either. But she had just seemed to take it all in her stride.
In fact the only thing that had unsettled her calm was the underlying fear that there would be something wrong with this baby too. And this tension made a difference to how they approached this pregnancy – he did not make a joyful announcement on Darwin after the 12 week scan. Instead they told only a select few – Mo, whose hunch they confirmed a day or so after Jac's triple positive pregnancy tests, Sacha and Elliott as soon as they could after the 12 week scan and finally Guy Self, a week or so later – all of whom were sworn to secrecy, and who kept that secret. And even though he was sure many people, at least on Darwin, suspected, he had to give them credit for never letting their suspicions come to the fore when either he or Jac were around, and the rumour mill was also kind to them, he didn't even hear a whisper of gossip on the topic. It was as if the whole hospital was waiting expectantly for the 20 week scan to occur, to begin any conversation on the matter – perhaps they too were wary of jinxing things, and wanted to wait till they knew everything was fine.
This strain had made Jac book her 20 week scan late – nearer to 22 weeks than 20 – because she insisted 'I don't want the results to spoil Ellie's first Christmas'. And she'd only relented when he'd pointed out 'but you'll be worrying about it anyway, and Ellie will pick up on that. And knowledge is power and all that' he'd concluded, using one of her favourite arguments because he knew she'd have no answer for it. So they'd arranged with Mr T that he would come in early on his clinic day to see them on the 23rd of December. And when he was delayed by a broken down car on the ring road and they had to wait for a few minutes longer than they'd planned, Jac seemed as implacable as ever when the text came through as they descended the stairs to the Radiology department, the only sign that there was anything wrong how tightly she held the edge of the chair – so that her knuckles went white – as she sat in the waiting area outside the room. Then, when Mr T had done a very thorough examination and at Jac's request ('Can you check again… please') repeated it, on both occasions smilingly announcing that 'everything was fine – perfectly normal in fact'. And Jac had once again seen after ensuring, to the best of her ability, that Mr T was right, that she was carrying another girl, he realised something had changed, and looking back on it he knew that was the point that Jac began to enjoy the pregnancy properly. So that was the time when there was a joyful announcement on Darwin but this time it was Jac who did the announcing – calling an ad hoc ward meeting in the staff room and, in typical Jac fashion, saying 'I'm sure you'll all be very pleased to hear that you'll be getting a bit of a break from me in a little while because, contrary to the rumour that I'm sure must be going round the hospital I'm not getting fat because I ate all the pies but because I'm pregnant. And we've just had the 20 week scan and Mr T's given us the all clear, so you'll be shot of me just in time for you all to be able to slack off and enjoy the Spring sunshine.' And he remembered suddenly that was the day she'd made him go out in his lunch break to finally buy a Christmas tree, time which she'd spent buying every conceivable tree decoration on the internet and paying extra for them to be delivered in time for Christmas.
And when on the way home, as they crossed the car park to collect Ellie from the nursery she asked him, a note of concern in her voice, whether he would have preferred it if she'd been having a boy, he was able to answer, quite honestly. "You know, I don't know if it's because of Ellie or the fact that I only had sisters but ever since we found out about this one' gently brushing her bump 'I've always imagined her as a girl. Never saw a boy, not even once. Besides which, there's always next time'. A comment which stopped Jac in her tracks to give him one of her best looks, in response to which he quickly said 'I'm only joking – honest.'
To which Jac replied, 'You'd better be, because there's a very easy way of making sure that's a physical impossibility" she continued, looking directly at his groin and making a twisting motion with her hands as she did so, causing him to wince automatically. 'I think we might have to call this one' she said, patting her bump, "Charlotte, as in – that's char lotte. Just to remind you.'
And this train of thought made him ask Jac, "so have you had any more thoughts on her name yet? "
To which Jac replied, transferring her gaze from him to their new born sprawled on her chest. "A few, yes, but I'm still not sure. I mean, do you think she looks like an Irina?"
"I don't know," he said, "what does an Irina look like? Anyway, I thought she was going to be Charlotte."
"What?"
"You know – to remind me that two's my lot."
He saw confusion on her face before his comment sparked her memory and a small smile replaced it. "Oh yeah," she said, "I'd forgotten about that… But now that you come to mention it… What do you think – Charlotte Irina – that's got quite a nice ring to it, hasn't it?" she mused
"Hey," Jonny said, "I'm probably not the best person to ask - I like Esme and Aoife after all, and you've made your views perfectly clear on those"
"Jonny, we are not naming our child after a character from a Scottish soap opera that nobody's heard of or giving her a name that no-one will be able to spell." Jac said definitely.
"But they've got such lovely meanings," Jonny countered, "and there wasn't an Esme in 'Take the High Road' anyway I don't think, but I'll give you the spelling thing."
"Well maybe Esme for a third name then," Jac relented somewhat, "Charlotte Irina Esme," she said, practicing it. "I like that" she concluded, smiling at him. "What do you think?"
"I think" Jonny said, reaching over and pulling Jac's gown back slightly so he could see his sleeping daughters face better, "I think it's perfect. But maybe we should ask her – what do you think baby girl" he said gently stroking her face, "is Charlotte Irina Esme a good name for you?" They both looked down at her, and whether in response to Jonny's touch or voice she slowly opened her eyes, moved her head and then her arm slightly and then closed her eyes again. "Well, I think that's a yes from her" Jonny said, before addressing Ellie who had, when the baby moved, looked up curiously from her position snuggled up to her mother's side, seemingly about to fall asleep. "What do you think sweetheart? Do you like Charlotte?"
And his daughter looked from him to the baby to her mother, before looking back Jonny to pronounce "Lot". Then once again rested her head back on Jac's chest and snuggled down.
"Well, I think that's a winner," he said. "Charlotte Irina Esme it is!" he concluded.
"Elodie and Charlotte," Jac said, "Lottie and Ellie. Yes, I like that."
"I'll let everyone know" Jonny said, taking his phone out, and typing the name before sending the text to everyone in his 'family and friends' list "and Mo and Sacha want to come and see you both as soon as you feel up to it. Apparently they reckon they'll be able to get round the delivery room restrictions because they work here."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Jac said, "good old Jean's a stickler for the rules. They might be better off waiting till I'm back on the ward to escape her. I don't think I'll be down here much longer anyway. Did you show them the photo?"
"I did,"
"Not any of the ones with me in them?"
"No, just one of little Lottie," he said, smiling as he said, what was obviously going to be, her pet name for the first time. "Although, you look gorgeous in all of them anyway so I don't know what you're worrying about. You do!" he said definitely as he saw the look on Jac's face, "Look" he said holding the phone up to her so she could see, "that's the very first picture of you both, and you look beautiful."
"I look like an emotional wreck who's been pulled through a hedge backwards after running a marathon," Jac said, glancing at the photo. "But I suppose I do look happy," she concluded, reaching up to take the phone off Jonny and considering the picture more closely, noticing the beam she wore as Jonny had captured the moment just after Mr T had handed her her new baby, pronouncing as he walked the short distance from the cot that 'Dr Lyons has given her the all clear so she's all yours.'
And Jonny watching her looking at the photo, also remembered the moment and the few minutes of quiet panic they had endured before it as the doctors checked her over, the only thing they could hang on to the very slight cry, more of a whimper really, that she had made when she first came out, before after what seemed like an eternity, she'd let out a full bodied cry.
And then he thought of all the other problems they had had with this pregnancy. He couldn't really believe now, looking back, that he had ever thought that, after they got the all clear at the 20 week scan, things would all be plain sailing. It seemed faintly ridiculous – things were never plain sailing for him and Jac. The threat of gestational diabetes was the first thing to hit them – at Jac's first midwife appointment after the scan – even though, unlike with Elodie, Jac hadn't been eating doughnuts, or even, after those first few weeks much chocolate. Her cravings for olives had remained however, and a new one for Weetabix with orange juice had emerged. But she had, as she always did, got on with this new reality – restricting her sugar intake to the absolute minimum and increasing her exercise regime slightly. Then there was her slowly but ever increasing blood pressure, which, although it never reached pre-eclampsia levels was high enough for Mr T to recommend that it was monitored throughout the day and for Mr Self to insist that she cut down her time in theatre and did more clinics/research than normal (a decision she just about managed to comply with, but with spectacular ill grace and much moaning!) So it really shouldn't have come as a surprise, given all this that, just as with Elodie, she had gone into premature labour at 35 weeks, slightly later than first time round. But, this time there was a difference, although Jac was slightly panicked and desperate to retain control, because there were no complications with the baby she was at least happy to let nature take its course. There was no talk of trying to delay the birth to give their daughter more time – Jac seemed happy that, although 35 weeks would be premature, it should have no major bearings on their daughter's development, she would just be 'a little on the small side, which presumably will make her easier to get out" she'd said smiling. And he knew that was important, knew that this time she wanted the natural birth she'd been denied with Elodie, and it was a decision he supported, despite his worries about the possible difficulties that could arise because she'd already had a c. section. So it was only when her waters broke, after Sacha (who was temporarily standing in for Jonny on the labour ward because Jac insisted that Darwin couldn't be without both of them with no cover and that she'd be fine till the end of his shift) had made her laugh, and she'd seen that they were not clear, that there were traces of meconium in them, that the anxiety had kicked in again. He remembered Sacha telling him that her face had drained of colour as she'd said 'They're not clear Sacha, oh God, they're not clear," when she'd seen and that she'd immediately, before even pressing the call bell button to summon help, told him to "Get Jonny please." And then she'd been swept along as before, hooked up to machines and monitors and just after he arrived by her side, after charging down the stairs as fast as he could, taken down to the delivery room. And they were met there once again by a whole team of people he'd hoped never to see again – Mr T who, although he'd been a central figure in the pregnancy because of Jac's history, wasn't meant to be part of the birth; Dr Lyons, the on-call paediatric consultant; and of course Jean Rimini who, as lead midwife on shift, wouldn't normally handle a delivery (instead being there to supervise all the other births) unless an emergency presented itself. There had also been, as with Elodie, representation from the neonatology department, although thankfully not the same registrar they'd seen before. This time it was a rather pleasant man called Dr Fillipi who'd assured them that should they need it there would be a bed available on the PICU, not that either of them found that particularly reassuring.
And as if he had heard Jonny's thoughts there was a knock at the door and as both Jonny and Jac looked towards the sound Dr Fillipi poked his head round the door. "I was just down on another consult" he said, as he came in to the room "and thought I'd pop in to let you know how pleased I am that you won't be requiring our services." As he approached the bed be continued, "I can't tell you how glad it makes me when we don't get bleeped for a bed."
"Not half as glad as we are!" Jonny answered, idly playing with Jac's hand as he held it in his own.
"No, I can imagine. Oh but she's gorgeous," he said as he looked down at the baby "and 6lb 2 is a really good weight for a 35 weeker. Have you had any ideas about names yet?"
Jonny looked at Jac who nodded ever so slightly before he proudly announced. "We think Charlotte."
"Oh yes," Dr Fillipi agreed, "that's lovely – very classy. Will it be Charlie for short?"
"No, Lottie" Jac and Jonny both answered almost simultaneously, causing them to smile.
"Oh I'm glad you said that – I much prefer it," he said. "Not that I'd have told you that if you'd said yes," he concluded, smiling at them. "Well as I said I just wanted to say hello, so I'll leave you to it, but all the very best."
"Oh yes, and thanks for everything you did today," Jonny said, standing up and offering him his hand.
"Well, I didn't really do much," Dr Fillipi said taking Jonny's outstretched hand and shaking it warmly. "As I said, it makes a nice change, and you know" he continued, letting go of Jonny's hand and turning slightly towards the door "I think its done me good seeing you. It's easy to forget in my line of work that most births go well and result in healthy babies that can go home within a few days. And you know, I never remember how big they normally are either," he finished, before glancing back over at Jac and smiling. "Well, I'll leave you to it," he said heading towards the door, "take care," he added glancing over his shoulder before he left.
"I will" Jonny said, sitting down again, "I definitely will" and so saying he leaned forward and gently kissed first Lottie's then, Ellie's foreheads before ever so carefully leaning forward and kissing Jac's lips. "Hey," he said, "come on time for a family portrait he said" picking up his phone again. "I'm sure this camera has got a timer function on it somewhere."
"But Jonny" Jac objected.
"You look beautiful!" he said, "and it'll be nice having a picture so close to when she was born," he continued. "Ah there it is," he said, finally locating where the timer was on his camera phone. "I should have asked that doctor to take it – would have saved all this faffing round. Now I just need to work out where to put it." And after some time and lots of faffing he was finally happy with the camera's position. "Now, for some last minute adjustments," he said, and proceeded to move Jac's gown down slightly around Lottie, and gently lift Ellie to a more upright position, so they could both be seen better. Then after a final check, he said "Smile" set the timer and hurried back to sit by Jac again on the opposite side to Ellie. Then after the camera flashed he got up and went to look at the photo. "Oh wow," he said, "that's lovely."
"Let me see," Jac said holding her hand out.
"One minute" Jonny answered, "I'm just going to take a photo of you all. Smile." And the camera flashed again, and as Jonny smilingly looked at the picture, he said quietly, but loud enough for Jac to hear. "And baby makes three."
"Four" Jac said, "and baby makes four," indicating them all.
"Oh yes, yes of course" Jonny answered, looking back from the photo to the real scene in from of him, and smiling "but you're my three. My three gorgeous girls!"
OK, so I don't suppose this will ever happen (but wouldn't it be nice if it did?) unless Rosie does get pregnant in real-life and the powers that be don't want to have her hiding her bump behind files/desks for months and then have to invent a reason for Jac not to be there whilst Rosie takes her maternity leave. But I really wanted to get this down before it all comes to pass on 'real' Holby and there's less scope for my imaginings to take flight. Hope you've enjoyed this, if you have (or indeed if you haven't) and you have a few moments to spare, please, please leave a review. Thanks.
