Rose
In truth I don't remember much after I was rescued from the ocean. I was too lost in my grief over losing Jack and the events of that horrid night that took so many lives. I vaguely remember seeing the lifeboat I was in pulling alongside the Carpathia and the strong arms that lifted me on board. I was wrapped in a thick blanket but the cold wouldn't relent. I couldn't stop shivering. I knew I should cry and let everything I felt out, but oddly enough I felt too numb to produce even a single tear. I was sitting on a wooden bench with a hot bowl of soup in my hands when he found me. Maybe if I had been more coherent I would have hidden myself from Cal when he came looking through the third class survivors.
When he spotted me I saw something flash in his eyes that I did not recognize or comprehend. He looked different somehow but I was in no shape to try and figure out what was different. He spoke softly to me but I have no recollection of what he said. I didn't fight him when he took me in his arms and held me. I still didn't fight when he led me away to where the first class passengers were gathered. The only time I resisted was when my mother descended on us sobbing. She tried to take me in her arms and I started to feel suffocated and overwhelmed. Her emotions brought me too close to losing what little control I had over my own. If I let go of that control I wasn't sure I could bring myself out of the dark depths of them. I pushed her away shaking my head and quietly mumbling no. She looked startled and maybe a little hurt. I turned away from her. I couldn't deal with her feelings right now, maybe later, maybe never.
The fever started shortly after the encounter with my mother. The ships doctor looked me over and consulted with Cal too quietly for me to hear. Cal carried me to a cabin that had been vacated for us. My mother came in and I allowed her to change me out of my dirty dress and put me in a plain long white night gown someone had donated for the Titanic survivors. She handing me a glass of water and a sedative the doctor had given Cal. I must have been really thirsty, I chugged the water greedily after taking the medicine. I handed my mother back the empty glass. She tried again to hug me but I took a step back, she pursed her lips looking into my eyes before quietly turning and leaving the room. Cal came in and led me to the bed. I let him tuck the covers around me as I turned onto my side with my back facing him. I didn't protest when I felt him softly petting my long hair.
I was so tired and weak but every time I closed my eyes I saw things I didn't want to see. I saw people clinging desperately to the sides of Titanic as it lifted higher and higher into the air. I saw the ship breaking into two pieces as people were thrown to their death from impossible heights and the worst was all the dead bodies floating around me in the dark freezing ocean. Every time I drifted to sleep it was the same images over and over, I would wake up sobbing and panicked. Then strong warm arms would wrap around me, holding hold me tightly. I welcomed the comfort and my hands, shaking uncontrollably, clung to those strong warm arms pulling them tighter as I desperately tried to erase the nightmare from my memory. I remember those arms rocking me slowly and a calm voice whispering soothingly into my ear until the sobs subsided. I might not have felt the same comfort if I had realized my comforter was Cal. My heart wished, even dared to hope, that those arms belonged to Jack. It was easier for me to let myself hope that Jack was my comforter than to let reality take over and face the fact that I would never feel his arms around me again. For his part Cal stayed quietly by my bedside, holding me when the nightmares became too much, giving me the medicine the doctor had prescribed and not forcing me to talk which allowed me to stay in my Jack fantasy.
When we reached New York, Cal had a car waiting to take my mother, he and I to a penthouse his family rented out when they were in the city for business. The first few nights at the penthouse were much the same as they had been on the Carpathia. Cal had a Doctor he trusted come in and examine me. The doctor gave Cal more sedatives for me, telling my mother and Cal to keep me in bed as much as possible saying that sleep was the best thing for me. Maybe if he had my dreams he wouldn't feel the same.
On the third night in the penthouse, my dream started the same as always but halfway through it changed and Jack was there. He was smiling at me as he held out his hand. I happily put my hand in his and let him lead me through a series of doors into a dark cold room. I started to shiver, Jack turned towards me and took me in his arms. I rested my head on his chest and sighed deeply. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him as tight as I could.
"Rose"
"Hmm?" I wanted to say so much more but it was all I could manage.
"Rose, please, come back to me."
I tensed for a second, but his arms around me were too warm and comfortable, I relaxed again.
"Please Rose, I need you. I'm so sorry. I know I acted inexcusably but please give me a chance. Come back to me."
Confusion clouded my thoughts. Why was Jack apologizing to me? Was he apologizing for not living too? And how could I come back to him? He was gone some place I couldn't follow, he made me promise not to follow. To live my life to its fullest. I pulled away slowly looking up to into his eyes. His face, no longer smiling, had a familiar sickeningly pale white hue. His lips were the same shade of blue they had been on that night. I gasped and my hand went over my mouth as I tried to hold in a gut wrenching sob. Jack disappeared into the dark and I was alone in a completely black room. I covered my eyes with my hands, wishing I could use my nails to claw out the images my eyes had seen. I felt the now familiar arms wrap around me pulling me to the firm warm body of my comforter. My head was still confused and I couldn't tell if I was awake or still in my dream. I wanted to be back in the early parts of my dream when Jack was there smiling and holding me. The sedative the doctor prescribed me didn't help me much either. It kept me drowsy and slightly loopy. Most of the time I couldn't differentiate between my waking moments and the dreams.
I convinced myself I was still dreaming and the arms around me were Jack's. I slid my arms around his waist and clung to him. My head rested on his chest listening to his heart beating steadily. I felt his lips kiss the top of my head and I lifted my face towards his, he hesitated which frustrated me. I reached my hand up to his neck and pulled him towards me, our lips finally meeting. The kiss started slowly but quickly turned into a deep passionate kiss of intense yearning. I should have realized there was something different with his kiss. It was more intense, more possessive in a way. His hands buried themselves in my hair holding my lips firmly to his. My body started feeling warm for the first time in days. The warmth spread from the deepest part of my stomach out to the tips of my fingers and toes.
As the kiss continued I needed, wanted more. I pulled at his shirt trying clumsily to take it off. He seemed to understand my need to touch his skin and he quickly, only breaking our kiss for a millisecond, removed his shirt. His lips met mine again as I ran my hands over his chest, feeling the firmness of his ribs. He was so warm and my fingers tingled as if tiny electric shocks ran through his body into mine as I touched his bare skin. He must have felt the same because I heard him gasp against my lips. I nibbled at his lip causing him to growl. I felt his tongue on my lips and I opened them slightly allowing his tongue to slip between them.
When our tongues met it awakened a passion I was unprepared for. I pulled him to me in a desperate need to be as close as possible. All the sadness and longing for Jack I had felt since I was pulled out of the ocean was fueling my need to have him closer, to consume him, to have him consume me. I tried pulling at my night gown to remove it when his hands grabbed my wrists.
"Please…" I started to beg.
"Rose, I don't think we should do this."
"I need you. I need to feel your skin on mine. Please." Tears started to form and my voice was thick. I swear I saw his beautiful blue eyes looking into mine searching for something before finally I saw the reluctance leave his expression only to be replaced by a passion so fierce I almost backed away.
My gown was ripped off of me and I was underneath him before I had another chance to reconsider. His lips were on mine again and I gave myself over to my passions. His hands explored my body as if he was trying to memorize every inch. He ran one hand down my side to my hip and back up. When he reached my breast and softly cupped it, I shivered and arched my back towards him. His thumb rubbed my hardened nipple causing me to groan against his mouth. His kisses became urgent, moving to my neck, and slowly kissing each of my breasts sucking in each nipple as my breathes became erratic. My fingers buried deep in his hair as I felt the warmth growing in the pits of my being.
He moved his lips back to mine, his hand ran down to my thigh lifting it and placing it around his waist as he slowly slid his hardened self into my wet depths. He was shaking with pent up passion as he tried to be gentle but he was going too slow for me. I arched my hips to take him in deeper and he growled wildly. It was all the encouragement he needed. His thrust were deep and quick. I held on to him, reveling in the passion and electricity I was feeling. My hips moving in rhythm to his as they met him thrust for thrust. My release came quickly and with more intensity than I knew was possible. My body hummed with electricity, my breath ragged as I clung my sweaty body to his. His breath was just as ragged as I felt his release fill me. He collapsed beside me and we lay with our arms and legs intertwined together allowing our breath to calm and our hearts to stop racing. He nuzzled my neck and whispered "I love you" in my ear. I couldn't find my voice so I smiled and nodded.
I felt my body start to relax and the familiar drug induced grogginess started to take over now that my need for Jack had been achieved. He was playing with my hair which helped relax me further. I sighed contentedly. I was quickly losing consciousness drifting back into the black.
"Sleep Rose, it's okay, I will be here when you wake up." He knew I was fighting it, trying to stay there with him.
"I'm scared." I was scared he wouldn't be there again, that this was our final goodbye. He misunderstood.
"I know. The nightmares will stop eventually but I will always be here to hold you. Sleep."
"Thank you." I was mumbling now almost incoherently.
"Rose, I love you, I always have." He kissed my lips softly.
I wanted to say I love you too, that I always would for the rest of my life. But I only managed to get one word out before I was unconscious.
"Jack…"
