I wrote this story when I was 14! I was such a cute little weirdo. I decided to copyedit this; provide some semi-colons and whatnot. Otherwise it's pretty much un-altered in terms of content. It's so, so silly.
It was a simple day for the detectives in the 27th precinct, just like it was yesterday, and would probably be like tomorrow. Detective Lenny Briscoe and his partner, Rey Curtis, were sitting at their desks sipping bland coffee and going over old files.
"This is so dull, I think my eyes are going to fall out'a my head." Rey griped.
"Well, if they do, just make sure they don't land in yer coffee." Lenny snickered as he placed another pile of folders back in a box.
"These are probably the stupidest thieves I have ever heard of." Rey snapped a finger on his paper and leaned back in his chair. "Like these two idiots, failed janitors that tried to help another idiot steal the worlds largest ball of twine."
Lenny Grimaced, "Hey, maybe they were planning on flying the world's largest kite later that day." He rose to his feet and picked up his coffee cup. "This may be boring, but at least this doesn't involve a dead body."
Two weeks later the detectives left their precinct, with a real case to investigate. Well, sort of. Somebody had broken into the museum of natural history, and proceeded to steal the Tyrannosaurus Rex. Unfortunately a security guard walked in and had a dinosaur claw dropped on his head. He was rushed to the hospital but fell into a coma on arrival.
"Hey Sanchez!" Lenny waved a gloved hand at one of the Crime Scene Investigators. "Find anything?" The tall, round woman walked up to the two detectives.
"Hey Lenny, Rey. Come on; let me show you the security tapes." The two detectives followed Sanchez into the security room while she continued to talk. "We got the whole thing on tape. Just watch."
The two detectives stood watching the TV monitor as group of low lives packed up the skeleton. "What 'ill they steal next?" Rey grumbled
"Hold on, watch this." As they continued to watch the monitor, a tall woman wearing a bright red trench coat and a fedora walked around the perimeter of the room.
"What the hell?" Rey squinted as he watched.
Lenny, however, was smiling, amused. "Is this some sort of new fashion statement I haven't heard about?
Sanchez grimaced and leaned forward. "You know what's even better, before the security guard slipped into his coma ya know what he said? Carmen Sandiego did it."
The detectives chuckled slightly, and Lenny spoke up, "Oh yeah right Sanchez, a cartoon character jumped out of the TV to steal a skeleton and assault a man. C'mon!"
Sanchez backed up, raising her hands in front of in a defensive manner, a smile curling her lips, "Hey, I just tell it as it is."
"Great, our only suspect is a fictional character." Lenny looked up from his paper work.
"Ah, c'mon Rey, at least this way we know that the only weapon she'll have is a rubber mallet."
"Or an anvil." Rey retorted.
The two detectives were once again sitting at their desks, scouring through paper work. Only this time it was for an ever so interesting case. The robbery of a museum turned attempted murder. It wasn't that rare, but having the perp dressed up like a cartoon character was peculiar.
"I just don't get it; we haven't found anybody in our files who fits this profile." Rey shook his head and looked up at the Lieutenant who had decided to join the party.
"Maybe we better send a description to all other precincts, but in the mean time, Mr. Arnold Baxter, the security guard, is awake. Go and find out what happened." The Lieutenant nodded her head and walked away.
Lenny turned to Rey and said, "Let's go." shrugging indifferently.
"Hi, Mr. Baxter, we're with the NYPD. I'm Detective Briscoe and this is Detective Curtis. Can you tell us what happened?" Lenny looked down at the hospital bed and displayed his badge to the man lying in it.
He was an average man, middle aged, and portly. His thinning white hair was hidden by a large bandage around his head. He looked at the two detectives nodded, and squeezed his wife's hand, who was sitting next to him.
"Mr. Baxter, can you tell us what happened the night of the robbery?" Rey repeated Lenny's request; their witness seemed a bit hazy. He pulled a note pad from his coat.
Mr. Baxter looked up again and began to speak in a very noticeable New York accent. "Yeah, it was real weird. I heard some commotion coming from the dinosaur exhibit, so I decided to see what was going on. When I got there, like thirty people were running around, packing up this skeleton. I yelled, and this woman in a red coat and hat walked up to me. I told her to stop and rested a hand on my taser. I started saying that the museum was closed, and that they were stealing museum property. I started to call for help, but the broad knocked the radio out'a my hand. I yelled for everybody to get down, and she starts talking to me like this is some sort of business arrangement, 'Please just turn around and go about your business, this doesn't concern you.'" Mr. Baxter crinkled his nose, imitating the woman.
"I told her like hell it didn't and told them all to stop. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Who robs a museum? At most we get some vandals or kids… But…" He scratched at his bandage and his wife swatted his hand away. Mr. Baxter remembered the detectives and got on with his story: "Anyway, this kid comes up to me and starts yelling. He starts asking me if I know who this is I'm talking to. I told him I didn't care, and that he need to stop and get on the ground or I'd taze him. He started cursing at me saying that I had no authority to order Carmen Sandiego to do anything. I asked if that was her, and pointed at the broad in the coat. He started yelling again, saying of course it was, and that I didn't know anything. Then… I just fell. I guess they hit me, but I don't really remembering much beyond seeing the broad punch the guy holding one of the bones and telling him to be careful with it…"
Lenny grimaced, "And in the meantime you were lying on the floor bleeding?" Mr. Baxter nodded bitterly, and his wife sniffled.
"You're gonna find out who this Carmen Sandiego is right?" She asked them quietly.
Rey paused to look at Lenny; it seemed that these people weren't very current on television. "Don't worry ma'am we'll take care of it."
Lenny and Rey returned to the Precinct, pessimistic at their chances of solving this case. As they walked toward their desks they were met by the Lieutenant. "Hey Lieu, find anything?" Rey raised his eyebrows inquiring.
The Lieutenant stopped. "Yeah, I got something... You may not believe it. But I got it."
The Lieutenant led Lenny and Rey into her office. There they found a tall woman, who was nothing short of stunning, standing near the Lieutenant's desk. She had short black hair and cool blues eyes that were so pale they made her look icy. The detectives were taken back slightly, but tried to hide it when they realized that she had noticed and was displeased at their silent leer.
The Lieutenant stood herself next to the woman. "Detective Briscoe, and Curtis, meet Detective Gance, of the ACME Detective agency." Rey smiled slightly as he shook her hand, he had kids, and they watched cartoons, so this was all too amusing to him. Lenny on the other hand, didn't watch cartoons, and only had knowledge of them from Rey's daughters, and the time he spent flipping through channels.
The Lieutenant continued to explain, "Detective Gance has some very interesting things to tell us." Gance nodded and crossed her arms.
"Thank you Lieutenant." She began with a chilly voice. "I was notified that you have come into contact with a very unique criminal mind. The description of your robber came to my office, and though you may not believe it, she is in fact Carmen Sandiego."
Rey squinted skeptically. "This is a joke right? Carmen Sandiego is a cartoon character; she isn't real, and neither is the ACME detective agency." Gance bit her lip at this remark and became stern. "No, detective this is not a joke, Carmen Sandiego is real, and so is the agency I work for. We have been after Carmen for years. She's a former agent, turned criminal, and now thanks to your investigation, we're closer than ever to catching her. Now I understand your skepticism, but the cartoon you've mentioned is not fiction, but rather an uncanny and accurate account of a thief."
The detective stood there in bewilderment, Lenny spoke up. "You said that you're closer to catching her than ever, but the last time I checked this crime was committed in New York's Jurisdiction. We're gonna catch her." Lenny huffed bitterly and locked himself in a staring contest with detective Gance, but her icy gaze was far too unnerving, and he lost.
"Carmen Sandiego is an international thief. She has hundreds of people working for her, and she steals things for the challenge of it. You're right that this is technically your case, but there are over five hundred other cases about her that are mine. So, I'm here to catch her and the only reason you haven't been reassigned to some other issue is because I need your knowledge of this city and the people in it. So if you can stop marking your territory for a little while, I need your help to put Carmen Sandiego in prison!" Gance clenched her teeth at Lenny, who stiffened, then nodded, conceding unhappily.
"Now, I need to speak with the D.A, I heard that you have two of Carmen's thugs in Rikers right now."
Rey tilted his head questioning, "Who?"
Gance smiled (which no one in that room thought was physically possible for her to do), knowing what Rey's reaction to her answer would be. "Rick and Nick Ick, Janitors caught for stealing the world's largest ball of twine."
Rey let out a laugh and opened the door for Detective Gance.
