TITLE: Vampires Will Never Hurt You
AUTHOR: Eleen
GENRE: Parody/Romance
SUMMARY: If Twilight was a stage musical it would go something like this…AU. A lot of Romeo and Juliet references.
A/N: First off, DO NOT BE ALARMED IF SOMEONE DIES. In this world it is irrelevant, otherwise I would be flaming myself. And all the songs are from My Chemical Romance. Also, this is in script format so each scene begins with a slug line that will tell you if it takes place inside or outside (INT or EXT), the location and if it is night or day.
ENT/INT.RESTERANT.NIGHT
EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE sit at a table in a crowded restaurant laughing and drinking red liquid. And two men in hoods enter stage left and raise their pistols and shoot the WAITER. Everyone hits the floor, EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE begin returning fire along with a few other patrons. In the confusion the hooded men have the advantage. ALICE takes a shot in the arm and falls over the bar. The men ignore the Cullens and keep killing. Eventually, only the six remain among corpses.
EMMETT
(singing)
In the middle of a gunfight
In the center of a restaurant
They say,
POLICE
"Come with your arms raised high!"
The POLICE dance in with shotguns raised. The MEN flee out the backdoor while ROSALIE, EMMETT and JASPER run to check on ALICE. The POLICE capture the four vampires. During the song, jail cells on wheels are rolled onto the stage and EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE are placed inside.
EMMETT JASPER ALICE and ROSALIE
(singing)
Well they're never gonna get me
Like a bullet through a flock of doves
To wage this war against your faith in me,
Your life will never be the same
On your mother's eyes say a prayer
Say a prayer
Now, but I can't
And I don't know
How we're just human as god had made us
Well I can't, well I can't
Too much, too late and just not enough of us
Paying more for your dying wish
I kiss your lips again
We lost three of the cards, and the checkers are lost
My cellmate is a killer, he made me do push-ups
Well nobody cares if you're losing yourself
Am I losing myself? I miss my mom
EMMETT is placed in the Electric chair, ROSALIE is given an injection. ALICE and JASPER are hanged. They all live, the POLICE look baffled and frustrated.
EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE
(singing)
Give me the chair,
a lethal injection
A swing from the rope if you dare
But nobody knows, imma drop my soap
EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE are returned to their cells while the POLICE huddle up SATGE LEFT.
Now, well I cant
And I don't know
How we're just human as god had made us
Well I cant, well I cant
Too much, too late and just not enough of us
Paying more for your dying wish
I kiss your lips again
EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE have had enough and began to break open their cell doors.
To your room
What they ask of you
Will make you want to sit
So long
But I don't remember
Why remember?
THE POLICE see EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE attempting to escape. One of them pulls a giant lever and fire shoots out from around the cells, trapping the prisoners, they sing to their death.
Life is but a dream for the dead
And well I, I wont go down by myself
But I'll go down with my friends
Now now now now. now now now. now now now…
INT.PARTY AT RANDOM HOUSE.NIGHT
JACOB and BELLA stand talking by the wall, avoiding the crowd on against dance floor. JACOB is wearing a waistcoat, BELLA in gloves and a blue dress.
JACOB
Are you having fun?
BELLA
Remind me why I'm here.
JACOB
(smiling)
Because you enjoy the pleasure of my company.
BELLA
This is a stupid reason to have a party.
JACOB
Come on, Isabella! The police finally figured out how to kill those hell-sent mass murderers.
BELLA
I don't know, I'm not to sure they did it…
JACOB
They were found by the police with the guns in their hands surrounded by the innocent people they'd slaughtered!
BELLA
Can we talk about something else?
JACOB
Um…I like your shoes?
BELLA
Thanks
JACOB
Maybe next time you could wear the white dress, this one's not really appropriate for public.
BELLA
I'm thirsty. Could you get me something to drink?
JACOB
Sure, honey.
BELLA cringes as he walks away. She looks around before slipping out of the party.
EXT.FORKS.NIGHTBELLA walks out a door and looks both ways. EDWARD comes out around from the side of the house.
EDWARD
Leaving without your husband?
BELLA
He's not my… Wait, who are you?
EDWARD
I am no one.
BELLA
Well, No One, it was nice meeting you but I must be going.
EDWARD
Wait!
BELLA turns to leave but EDWARD grabs her arm and spins her around for a kiss. They break apart.
EDWARD
I like your dress.
BELLA
Wha…?
EDWARD dashes away and BELLA shakes her head confused.
BELLA
My life can't possibly get any stranger.
As BELLA continues slowly down the street a group of drunk celebrators drive towards her in the carriage. BELLA tries to walk faster but just ends up falling. She screams as the carriage approaches at a fast pace. EDWARD reappears and grabs her out of the way.
EDWARD
Miss me, yet?
BELLA
Ahh…who are you again?
EDWARD
No one. We've been through this.
BELLA
Ah, yes. And No One, why would I miss you?
EDWARD
Because of my kissing expertise.
BELLA
Um…
CELEBRATORS turn around and come back.
MAN
SORRY! But, Hey! The demons are dead! Hooray! Have a drink on us!
CELBRATORS thrust a bottle in a paper bag into BELLA's hands and then continue off-stage cheering.
BELLA
I stand corrected.
EDWARD
What?
BELLA
Nothing.
EDWARD
So, did you miss me?
BELLA
For the five whole seconds of your absence? Not exactly.
EDWARD
Alas, still stunned by the kiss.
BELLA
Yes, that's it. Tell me, No One, do you normally grab girls in the street and kiss them?
EDWARD
I'm in mourning.
BELLA
I'm sorry.
EDWARD
Well it was nice talking to you. Kissing you. And saving your life, but I must be going.
BELLA
Again?
EDWARD
Remember to miss me.
EDWARD runs off-stage. BELLA continues down the street.
BELLA
(singing)
Oh baby here comes the sound!
I took a train outta New Orleans and they shot me full of ephedrine.
This is how we like to do it in the murder scene.
Can we settle up the score?
As BELLA dances down the street singing, a dozen CELEBRATORS join her.
(singing)
If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're beautiful!
Well I'm a total wreck and almost every day.
Like the firing squad or the mess you made.
Well don't I look pretty walking down the street.
In the best damn dress I own?
If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.
Some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say
We are young and we don't care
CELEBRATORS
oh whoa ow
BELLA
(singing)
Your dreams and your hopeless hair.
CELEBRATORS
oh whoa ow
BELLA
(singing)
We never wanted it to be this way.
For all our lives.
Do you care at all?
If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.
What'd you call me?
Well, there's no way I'm kissing that guy
BELLA finishes with a crescendo and everyone strikes a finishing pose. Fade to black.
TBC
