TITLE: Vampires Will Never Hurt You

AUTHOR: Eleen

GENRE: Parody/Romance

SUMMARY: If Twilight was a stage musical it would go something like this…AU. A lot of Romeo and Juliet references.

A/N: First off, DO NOT BE ALARMED IF SOMEONE DIES. In this world it is irrelevant, otherwise I would be flaming myself. And all the songs are from My Chemical Romance. Also, this is in script format so each scene begins with a slug line that will tell you if it takes place inside or outside (INT or EXT), the location and if it is night or day.


ENT/INT.RESTERANT.NIGHT

EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE sit at a table in a crowded restaurant laughing and drinking red liquid. And two men in hoods enter stage left and raise their pistols and shoot the WAITER. Everyone hits the floor, EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE begin returning fire along with a few other patrons. In the confusion the hooded men have the advantage. ALICE takes a shot in the arm and falls over the bar. The men ignore the Cullens and keep killing. Eventually, only the six remain among corpses.

EMMETT

(singing)

In the middle of a gunfight
In the center of a restaurant
They say,

POLICE

"Come with your arms raised high!"

The POLICE dance in with shotguns raised. The MEN flee out the backdoor while ROSALIE, EMMETT and JASPER run to check on ALICE. The POLICE capture the four vampires. During the song, jail cells on wheels are rolled onto the stage and EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE are placed inside.

EMMETT JASPER ALICE and ROSALIE

(singing)

Well they're never gonna get me
Like a bullet through a flock of doves
To wage this war against your faith in me,
Your life will never be the same
On your mother's eyes say a prayer
Say a prayer

Now, but I can't
And I don't know
How we're just human as god had made us
Well I can't, well I can't
Too much, too late and just not enough of us
Paying more for your dying wish
I kiss your lips again

We lost three of the cards, and the checkers are lost
My cellmate is a killer, he made me do push-ups
Well nobody cares if you're losing yourself
Am I losing myself? I miss my mom

EMMETT is placed in the Electric chair, ROSALIE is given an injection. ALICE and JASPER are hanged. They all live, the POLICE look baffled and frustrated.

EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE

(singing)

Give me the chair,

a lethal injection
A swing from the rope if you dare
But nobody knows, imma drop my soap

EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE are returned to their cells while the POLICE huddle up SATGE LEFT.

Now, well I cant
And I don't know
How we're just human as god had made us
Well I cant, well I cant
Too much, too late and just not enough of us
Paying more for your dying wish
I kiss your lips again

EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE have had enough and began to break open their cell doors.

To your room
What they ask of you
Will make you want to sit
So long
But I don't remember
Why remember?

THE POLICE see EMMETT, JASPER, ALICE and ROSALIE attempting to escape. One of them pulls a giant lever and fire shoots out from around the cells, trapping the prisoners, they sing to their death.

Life is but a dream for the dead
And well I, I wont go down by myself
But I'll go down with my friends
Now now now now. now now now. now now now…

INT.PARTY AT RANDOM HOUSE.NIGHT

JACOB and BELLA stand talking by the wall, avoiding the crowd on against dance floor. JACOB is wearing a waistcoat, BELLA in gloves and a blue dress.

JACOB

Are you having fun?

BELLA

Remind me why I'm here.

JACOB

(smiling)

Because you enjoy the pleasure of my company.

BELLA

This is a stupid reason to have a party.

JACOB

Come on, Isabella! The police finally figured out how to kill those hell-sent mass murderers.

BELLA

I don't know, I'm not to sure they did it…

JACOB

They were found by the police with the guns in their hands surrounded by the innocent people they'd slaughtered!

BELLA

Can we talk about something else?

JACOB

Um…I like your shoes?

BELLA

Thanks

JACOB

Maybe next time you could wear the white dress, this one's not really appropriate for public.

BELLA

I'm thirsty. Could you get me something to drink?

JACOB

Sure, honey.

BELLA cringes as he walks away. She looks around before slipping out of the party.

EXT.FORKS.NIGHT

BELLA walks out a door and looks both ways. EDWARD comes out around from the side of the house.

EDWARD

Leaving without your husband?

BELLA

He's not my… Wait, who are you?

EDWARD

I am no one.

BELLA

Well, No One, it was nice meeting you but I must be going.

EDWARD

Wait!

BELLA turns to leave but EDWARD grabs her arm and spins her around for a kiss. They break apart.

EDWARD

I like your dress.

BELLA

Wha…?

EDWARD dashes away and BELLA shakes her head confused.

BELLA

My life can't possibly get any stranger.

As BELLA continues slowly down the street a group of drunk celebrators drive towards her in the carriage. BELLA tries to walk faster but just ends up falling. She screams as the carriage approaches at a fast pace. EDWARD reappears and grabs her out of the way.

EDWARD

Miss me, yet?

BELLA

Ahh…who are you again?

EDWARD

No one. We've been through this.

BELLA

Ah, yes. And No One, why would I miss you?

EDWARD

Because of my kissing expertise.

BELLA

Um…

CELEBRATORS turn around and come back.

MAN

SORRY! But, Hey! The demons are dead! Hooray! Have a drink on us!

CELBRATORS thrust a bottle in a paper bag into BELLA's hands and then continue off-stage cheering.

BELLA

I stand corrected.

EDWARD

What?

BELLA

Nothing.

EDWARD

So, did you miss me?

BELLA

For the five whole seconds of your absence? Not exactly.

EDWARD

Alas, still stunned by the kiss.

BELLA

Yes, that's it. Tell me, No One, do you normally grab girls in the street and kiss them?

EDWARD

I'm in mourning.

BELLA

I'm sorry.

EDWARD

Well it was nice talking to you. Kissing you. And saving your life, but I must be going.

BELLA

Again?

EDWARD

Remember to miss me.

EDWARD runs off-stage. BELLA continues down the street.

BELLA

(singing)

Oh baby here comes the sound!
I took a train outta New Orleans and they shot me full of ephedrine.
This is how we like to do it in the murder scene.
Can we settle up the score?

As BELLA dances down the street singing, a dozen CELEBRATORS join her.

(singing)

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.

You're beautiful!

Well I'm a total wreck and almost every day.
Like the firing squad or the mess you made.
Well don't I look pretty walking down the street.
In the best damn dress I own?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

Some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say
We are young and we don't care

CELEBRATORS

oh whoa ow

BELLA

(singing)

Your dreams and your hopeless hair.

CELEBRATORS

oh whoa ow

BELLA

(singing)

We never wanted it to be this way.
For all our lives.
Do you care at all?

If you were here I'd never have a fear.
So go on live your life.
But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
You're so far away.
So c'mon show me how.
'Cause I mean this more than words can ever say.

What'd you call me?
Well, there's no way I'm kissing that guy

BELLA finishes with a crescendo and everyone strikes a finishing pose. Fade to black.


TBC