A/N: well…long story short, I haven't been feeling too good recently and, though I'd been writing a lot, none of it was fanfic. I was listening to my mp3 when the song 'Little Lion Man' came and I thought of how I was feeling, when- all of a sudden - I thought of how I could match it with Hope. So, voila, I now present you this Hope Estheim fic.
Warnings: …Angst… lots and lots…of angst…
Pairings: I didn't really write this as a pairing but, as always, feel free to interpret mild Hope/Snow.
Disclaimer: Little Lion Man belongs to Mumford and Sons. Final Fantasy belongs to Square Enix.
Hope Estheim always had many emotions fighting for dominance in his heart. One phrase or action from an outside force could tip the scales to a different feeling. Those feelings had recently become more negative. He would never be what his heart was; a raging battle, fighting for conscious attention. He would never be rash, always the careful, clever, indecisive one.
That's what everyone thought.
Hope's emotional balance on the outside was becoming just as it was on the inside. Perhaps, that's not so accurate. His outside balance was occasionally tipped, if only for a moment, by his heart.
When he was alone, he could feel his heart wrenching, tearing away at him. He would cry out, the pain in his heart too much. He would never be so courageous as his heart wanted him to be. To have courage, you had to have support. He would never be what he was meant for.
His fights with his father were dying away. He was an only child, the only chance his father ever had to raise a son he liked. Hope felt he had failed him. He couldn't be as brave as to confront him simply. 'What do I have to do to make you love me?!' Words his heart would gladly shout out, but always stopping just short of his mouth. He couldn't be so brave.
That's what he thought.
He believed bravery to be unafraid. He was so, so wrong…
His mother died and his emotions flew out of balance, out of himself. Yet, he was still too cautious; too uncourageous to speak what he actually felt.
The group split.
The group split again.
He went with Lightning.
He wanted to be strong. To be brave. To be courageous. He thought himself weak; he wanted to be better. To become another. To become sullied.
Taking all the courage he possibly could to become strong, yet finding himself creating his own problems, problems that wouldn't matter; problems to slow himself down.
The woman knew what he would become. She was dearly sorry. At least, she would be. Acknowledging this, she knew it would be her fault. Not his. She was now liable for what he would become. For corrupting him.
Hope was shaking with what he had become.
He'd seen death, several deaths during his escape from the purge; this was different. Seeing wasn't doing. Killing monsters who had tried to kill him somehow made him feel, if only for the time, slightly vindicated. He just killed a human. Several humans.
He felt the bile rising in his throat, swallowing hard as not to show weakness in front of his mentor. He knew that if he couldn't handle this, he would never be able to kill the one man he felt he needed to.
He made himself strong. They were just dead bodies, they no longer mattered to anyone; the life had left them.
He marched on, not acknowledging the fact that he was not himself. Hope wasn't hope. Hope was odium now.
The soldier stared after him, knowing what she had made him. His battles' grace now meant nothing. She just made a child a monster. Bold and uncaring. His valor stood out among all he had just destroyed. He was now like her, standing alone even while with someone.
She walked off with him.
I won't be like my mother, he thought. Though courageous, she was weak. If I continue acting like her, I'll regret it.
Oh, dear child, his unheard Eidolon thought, I think you'll regret what you're about to do more than anything else… It will be my fault for not stopping you, for not protecting your heart… I fear there is nothing I can do…
Snow now understood. This child had been soiled because of him. He deserved what was about to happen.
A moment's hesitation and Hope was falling down, down, down. He was tired, so, so tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of killing. Tired of existing.
This is all so hopeless. What am I doing to myself?
He closed his eyes, fainting from exhaustion and fatigue as he fell.
Snow grabbed Hope, holding him fast to his chest.
He'd destroyed this child. He would do all he could to protect and fix him, little as it may be.
It wasn't Hope's fault, it was his own all along and he didn't even know. Hope's heart and life had been through so much all this time and he hadn't done anything. I really did mess everything up, huh, Hope? he thought, falling into black as he felt a sharp pain to his head.
A/N: Well…that was interesting. Review and I will love you forever.
~James Blanke
