When I See You Smile

Sometimes I wonder how I'd ever make it through
Through this world without having you, I just wouldn't have a clue

Would he really have the heart? To refuse doing it, to deny Dean's last wish to ever taste how it would be like to celebrate Christmas? His last joy of the day must have been like – what, twenty-four years ago? And Dean had never known real Christmas ever since. Things he did when they were both kids were for Sam. The tree he stole and dragged into their motel rooms when their dad was away was for Sam. Presents he grabbed from a house at the neighborhood, daft gifts that turned out to be for girls - they were all for Sam.

It must have been so long since Dean last felt happy. Really happy. And Sam didn't think playing around with those waitresses counted.

Would he have the heart to deny it?

"Well, yeah. This is my last year."

Exactly why they had to do it. Exactly why they mustn't do it.

Dean's soft voice had broken his heart into pieces.

And Sam was resolved.

They would do it.

This was still better: drinking eggnog, acting as if nothing was wrong, while knowing the next year he would do it alone. Alone. No more Dean. No more annoying, smug remarks or lazy smiles coming from that big brother of his. This would be still much, much better than being alone while remorse and guilt ate at his heart knowing that he had had a chance to make Dean happy at his last moments, but he didn't.

They would do it. He would bring in the tree this time and he would decorate the room. Eggnog would be there, too, of course, and so would gifts.

Sam rubbed his damp eyes with the back of his hand. It was as if he saw it already: Dean beaming at the simple gifts he bought him, shining like the bright sun in the morning just like what he was always like when he smiled.

Sam chuckled tearfully and wiped the tears that seemed not wanting to stop. He loved seeing Dean's smile.

And he would miss it. So much.