You will see references to "Beating Heart" by Ellie Goulding in this chapter. I've been trying to figure out a story to write, and "Beating Heart" inspired me to start this one. Fair warning, this chapter is sad, but it will get better.
Chapter 1: It's Time
And I don't know where I'm going, but I know it's gonna be a long time.
"He's been worn down with age and time. He's old and decrepit."
His words burned and ignited flames that scorched my throat and ignited my heart. My eyes, dark and covered in a thin layer of withheld tears, pierced his brown hues with hatred fueled by a pain I had felt so many times already. I couldn't do this. Not again.
He tripped and stumbled over his own feet as he tried to step backwards, my glare having an immediate effect. I could see his hands were trembling, his skin flushed. The clipboard in his grasp shook so much that the pen attached to it clicked against the wood.
"Not physically, of course. He's only 40. I mean mentally. On the inside, he's a 100-year-old man…" His voice trembled as he spoke, some words falling over each other. Sweat dripped from his forehead and down his neck, soaking the blue collared shirt and black tie secured around the base of his throat. He seemed hot. His face constricted in discomfort as if the white coat he adorned, which brushed his calves as he took another step back, was tightening around every inch of his body like a python.
"I suggest you get on with it." My own voice sounded like stone. There was no change in tone, no stutter, no nothing. Perhaps all of the emotion brewing inside of me decided to combine and make me numb.
"The things he's seen, the things he's done, and the time he has grieved has taken a toll on his body. I don't know how much longer he has. He…"
"Go."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said go. Get out. You're not telling me anything I don't already know." Stone. So cold.
"I'm very sorry…"
"Get out!" The legs of my chair squealed in protest as I shot to my feet and took a step towards the doctor. He didn't know anything. He didn't know Tobias. Not like I did. Not like Tris did.
He didn't waste another minute in the room, but rather scurried out like a scorned dog with its tail between its legs. I watched for a moment and willed him to come back in and do one thing, anything, to make me snap. I needed to hit something or break something… anything.
But then he moaned, most likely stirred from my scream, and suddenly I was back in my chair, both my hands wrapped around his left one like a cocoon. I massaged his palm with my thumb, willing his pain to go away.
"Tris?" His voice was gruff and low. His blue eyes, always full of light and determination, were flickering and trying desperately not to burn out.
"Christina, Tobias. It's Christina." My voice was softer now, much more gentle. The corners of my lips tugged up at the corners, although the small gesture was forced. "How are you feeling?"
His eyes fluttered shut for a moment, and then open again as he let out a deep breath. "Fine. Since when did I become a 100-year-old man who's decrepit?" He was trying to make things easier. Always the protector, never the one in need of protecting. He didn't want to be remembered as weak.
"You're not. That doctor, and I use the term loosely, is an idiot. Lucky for you, I'm smart." Again, that forced smile.
He chuckled, low and barely audible. My eyes went to his heart monitor. The beat was steady, but weak and growing weaker by the moment. Three weeks we had been here. Maybe a few weeks isn't long to most, but to me it is an eternity. I don't want to see him like this and neither does he, but I can't bring myself to leave him. I've only left his side for my body's necessities like food and hygiene.
"Lucky for me…" He repeated the words quietly and gave my hand a small squeeze, which I returned naturally.
And I'll be leaving in the morning come the white wine bitter sunlight.
"Feels nice."
His words caught me off guard. "What feels nice?" I was simply curious, but extremely grateful for the smile on his lips.
"The sunlight." He stated the words as if they were obvious. It wasn't until then that I noticed a ray of sun seeping in through the hospital room's window, bathing Tobias in warmth. It was nearing 7. The sun had almost risen, but the sky was still painted in beautiful shades and hues. This room was in a good spot, located where the neighboring buildings in Chicago didn't block the horizon from view.
"It does," I agreed. I felt so tired all of a sudden. I didn't need a mirror to know that there were deep shadows under my eyes, further accentuating my night black irises. My hair was a mess, the strands of grey on the underside viewable because of my bed head. I was only 34, but like Tobias I had aged early. Too early.
"You okay?" He was worried about me. He had IVs attached to both arms and oxygen being pumped into his body, but he was worried about me.
"You don't worry about me. Just worry about yourself and getting better."
"We both know I'm not going to get better, Christina." He didn't look sad when he said those words. There was acceptance in his eyes. He had come to terms with this and I knew why.
"Don't talk like that. You're strong." A tear slipped down my cheek, to which I quickly wiped away. I had no right to cry. Only he did. Yet, another tear fell anyway, followed by others. I buried my head in the sheets.
"It's okay, Chris. You know something? You're not a robot. It's okay to show emotion, to have weaknesses. It's okay."
I drew in a ragged breath and sat back up, watching him with eyes that refused to quit leaking.
"It's a malfunction caused by my genes right?" It had been so many years since anyone had been referred to as genetically pure or genetically damaged, but he knew what I meant.
He shook his head. "No, you're perfect. You've been there for me and put up with me for so many years. I could never have had a better friend than you." He lifted his arm, the muscles straining, and placed a hand on my cheek, brushing away some of my tears.
Tobias and I had grown close. So close in fact that he often referred to me as an annoying little sister. But through all these years, that's as far as our emotions had taken us. He was my brother and he belonged to Tris. He would always belong to Tris.
He wasn't sick. He hadn't been shot, or shocked, or punched. He was simply older than his body looked, just like me. The stress of those months of war had taken a toll on all of us. Even years later, the drop of a pen would send me into defense mode. The backfire of a car's engine would make my heart skip a beat. Even the screams of children at play caused me to have nightmares. Our minds knew the war had ended long ago, but our bodies and our instincts were still in a war of their own.
Tobias' body had simply finally won the war. His heart had given out while he was at work in the Governor's building at the heart of Chicago. The doctors had shocked him back to life, but it was only a temporary fix. Now his lungs were giving out along with other organs I didn't care to remember.
I felt weak. Well, weaker than I had in the past few weeks. My eyes felt heavy and my mind didn't want to process anything anymore. But I would remain alert for my friend.
"You just be strong, okay. It's…" My words trailed off. I couldn't bring myself to say it, but Tobias needed to hear it. "It's okay to let go. It's okay to go to her."
He began crying then, but a smile still played on his lips. I wiped away his tears, but soaked the blankets with my own.
I want to make the best of what is left, hold tight. And hear my beating heart one last time.
"I'll see her again, right? She'll be there waiting?" He sounded so young then, like a child clinging to his mother for answers and hope. However, I truly didn't know. I could only hope and believe.
"I think so. I can't tell a lie and say yes, but I think she will be."
"Still the same old Candor." His tone was weaker and his grip on my hand loosened.
"Hey, we can't forget our factions, even if they're gone. Be happy Tobias. Find her and be happy." Then, I lost it. I choked back sobs and bit back a scream that clawed at my throat. I'm not ready, but I am. I don't want to lose him, to lose my last connection to her, but it's time.
And then there's nothing. There's no pressure on my hand. There's no spark of life in his closed eyes. There's no more warmth radiating from his skin. There's no rise and fall of his chest. There's stillness. There's quiet, aside from the steady, never ending beep of his heart monitor, but it's merely a dulled sound in the background. There's simply nothing.
I see nurses and doctors run into the room, but it doesn't feel like they are really there. It feels like I'm in a dream. There's heaviness all around me. My limbs feel like lead and my eyelids feel like curtains that threaten to pull their holders down. My hands are tingly and there's this feeling coursing through my nerves, but it isn't pain. I don't feel dizzy, but everything is just a blur. Then there is pain, but it's only brief. It's like an electric bolt zapped my brain and made it go numb.
Then, those holders keeping the curtains up break and I fall into darkness. I feel calm and safe. There's no fear, no regret, no pain. There's something now. I'm not alone in the darkness. I feel at peace. Tobias let go, yet I can't bring myself to feel sad. There's no confusion or hatred or loneliness. But there is something in the distance. It grows, consuming the darkness, and then all I can see is blinding white light.
Wanna hear your beating heart tonight.
That's it for now. I hope you all enjoyed. Please take a moment to review and give me your opinions. I respect constructive criticism, but be polite about it please. My best writing comes out when I'm inspired to write and your reviews will help me stayed inspired if this story is worth continuing. Thank you all so much.
