This is my first fic in English and it is not my mother language (I'm Spanish). It propably contains a lot of spelling or grammar mistakes. If you see something big you cannot review it, in fact, I ask you to review mistakes, too. Please, enjoy the reading and thanks! /// Disclaimer: All of this is property of S. Meyer and I don't get money with this, only personal satisfaction.
Masochistic
The need of being locked up all day has never been so painful for you, as it is now. You used to play your music, you used to read or even, you used to feel sorry for yourself. Now, you cannot do it anymore because feeling sorry for your pathetic situation hurts so bad that you think that your heart is going to break in pieces. Although it sounds as a cliché it is the most approximated way of describing how you feel when you realize that you are not with her. It is Pathetic, isn't it?
You used to remember your past, your arrogance when you considered yourself as a god that could decide over the life and the death of the humans that met with you and you feel sorry for yourself. You saw that since your transformation you haven't could be happy, maybe you could feel good with your family but the true happiness was not in your way because your past actions won't let you achieve it.
But now, when you think about yourself you can only see her, you can only remember the happiness you felt, in fact, the times you see her sleeping quietly in your arms are now distant memories that walked over your mind all time, opening a wound in your chest, in your dead heart that still hurts as is it were intact. Despite that, you know that you have made the right decision, Bella deserves happiness and if you are near her, the only thing she will feel is pain.
You stand up slowly from the corner where you have been curled up. You feel contented with the fact that your family cannot see you in this way because they wouldn't be able to bear it and you don't want them to suffer too. You could tell that you regret not listening to Rose when she told you again and again that being near Bella Cullen was a mistake that will not bring anything positive to the family, but it is not true. You will never regret that.
You look out of a window the end of a new day, a new twilight. "The saddest hour for a vampire" you told Bella once, now is when you start to understand the whole meaning of that expression. You decide to continue your persecution in the darkness, Victoria should fall. But when you think in Victoria, you think in Bella; in the sweet lady lain in the floor screaming while you save her of becoming a monster after the fight with James, and thinking in Bella hurts.
Your vampire mind never stop running and suddenly you start thinking that go away was not a good idea. Maybe she is suffering too and she wants you to come back… You stop these thoughts immediately, you swear yourself that Bella would be happy and this only would be real, if you are not with her. If you think that, it hurts even more.
You think that although you are not a sick lion anymore, the masochistic part won't disappear. You smile sadly when you start to run, you cannot smell Victoria, you only feel Bella's arms over your body and her voice-clear despite the time-in your ears. You run without paying attention to what you are doing, you could be lain in the floor and your mind would be concentrate in the same. Suddenly, you trip over a root and fell into a lot of mud. You feel secretly content that your brothers are not here (you hope Alice wouldn't be either looking at you. For the first time, you feel content for Bella's absence. Despite everything, the things she was scared the most were your way of driving and the possibility of crash with a tree while you were running. Life is ironic!
