It burns, but it feels good. The foul, clear, somewhat odourless and colourless liquid seared my throat as I swallowed it.
I'm numb now, at least I think I am, but it still hurts. I just want the pain to go away; but it never has and it never will. It has been there for three years and it hasn't gotten easier like everyone said it would; it's gotten harder, remembering her.
No, I mean really remembering her. Every smell. Every touch. Every taste.
Since she's been gone I haven't worked, how could I? I had worked with her for seven years and then just like that she's gone, so I quit. How could I do anymore good, without the main thing in my life that made me believe in good? I couldn't and besides I couldn't have worked with anyone else after her. She meant –means too much to me. It doesn't matter that she's been gone for three years; I still can't forgive myself.
For three years, I have lived without a soul; for three years, I have been alive without feeling, nothing. I have felt nothing; not even for my kids…I'm numb.
I sit here in the living room to my apartment, bottle of vodka at my side, two glasses sitting in front of me. One just contains vodka straight up and the other vodka and Valium.
The pain is too much; I can't take it anymore. I know I shouldn't do this. I know that when I do, I'll be in hell. But I cannot live any longer without her, it's asking too much of me for what I've already had to go through.
Shaking slightly I pick up the deadly cocktail and smell it before taking a sip, it's powerful, but I already knew that, I made it. I take another sip and another and before I know it the cup is empty putting it down and leaning back in the chair, I can feel myself slipping into the oblivion and I can only tell you this about it.
It burns, but it feels good.
