Perspectives {Poetry}
By James Carmody.
Disclaimer: Buffy, Angel, and any spinoffs belong to Joss, and until he decides to sell or give them away, (for his own reasons) they are his alone. I will not accept a single red cent for this or any other fanfic... this is just for enjoyment- of my own and others.
Author's Notes: These chapters are supposed to be the perspectives of the characters on their lives and relationships. It is a series of single stories, all put under one title. During the First thereof: "Terror" by Faith Lehane, she's talking about her fear of her previously violent life, and what it may cost. Later stories will feature other characters POVs on their: lives, relationships, attitudes, and anything else that may matter to them.
Poem 1: "Terror".
by Faith Lehane
Chapter 1 Author's Notes {Beginning}: This is written in the form of a Journal Entry of hers, in the form of poetry- about her fears based on several stories, and perspectives therein. Several of them are ones about her prison days, another is the novel by Robert Joseph Levy titled "Go Ask Malice", and another is a fanfic titled "Would the Real Faith Lehane Please Stand Up?"
Written for fun, please read, review/comment, and enjoy.
This is also basically the thoughts and terror of a sort of soldier before battle begins- one who's got a lot to answer for in their life.
As I look into myself, I genuinely feel absolute terror; for I see the black hole that has developed in my heart, and wonder if I'll ever recover from this darkness in my heart and soul.
The black hole consumes all it can get. Where will it end?
What did I do to create this monster in my heart/soul?
For when a star, no matter how brilliant, starts to produce Iron, it's only got hours left to live... as it is said to pour endless amounts of energy into the project and it just cannot change the iron into something else- so it just either burns out or simply explodes into a supernova.
The blood of my victims soaks the skin of my hands.
When my master comes to claim my soul; will I be strong enough to resist that real monster- that penultimate psychopath we dealt with in the Sunnydale Hellmouth?
WHAT HAVE I DONE?!
Am I to be consumed from within my own heart; to leave only a bare shell of myself left- to be crushed by someone else when they get in the mood?
NO; I will NOT go down without a fight!
Never in my life was I prouder in the right sense than when Gwendolyn Post told me I kept my room very Spartan, and a fighter I am, so I will NOT go down without a fight- Faith Lehane will spit in the eye of the First before it takes me to Gehenna with him for all Eternity, if need be!
But what odds do I have, a mere corrupted (and corrupt) human; against what's essentially the Devil itself?!
Well, none if I won't stand up and fight,. so that's exactly what I'll do.
All my victims come before my eyes; and all I can say is "I will do my best." but I must question in my own head "Is that really enough? Will it pay the debt for all the hurt, all the pain, all the death I have inflicted upon my neighbor?"
Oh, Angel's assistance helped me massively, but I still wonder if it will work in the end; with all the debt I have occurred- will I be able to pay when the tax-man comes to collect? Not that I fear my judgment; for a chance to make good on my debts, but I fear not being able to repay my debts.
The black hole of sin rises in my heart, and it is literally all I can do to prevent myself from focusing everything upon it to destroy it/drive it out/suppress it until I can remove that threat to my person- before I wind up the very psychopathic girl I was to hurt my friends in the way I did at about eighteen!
I literally have to breathe very deeply about twenty to a hundred times to suppress the shakes that threaten to overtake me at the thought of what the effects of my actions are and how they hurt my friends.
Alexander {Xander}: how do I make up to him for what I've done?! I mean- rape?! That's got to be the most horrible thing I could have done to him- and I wasn't gentle!
In summery: what have I done with my life?!
The answer hits me like a one-ton bullet: I bollixed the whole thing up!
When you are on drugs; you literally are the slave of whoever has control of the chemicals you're addicted to; maybe that's what Willow was in the later years of Sunnydale: a slave- if so, she deserves my love... not cruelty for what she's done. And how can anyone who's a slave stand up to their master (especially a slave in this way) if the owner has control of the chemical the slave needs to be (in their own words) "happy"... but is it really happiness? In a word: "NO!".
That's what we were: Slaves! Slaves to not our passions- would that we were; for that would be far easier to deal with than if we were slaves to someone else... or something else: something sadistic indeed! She and I were slaves to the Evil One via addictions: I needed violence- or thought that I did. Willow needed affection (love), but she looked for it in completely the wrong places... so did I, in fact!
Oh, Tara was beautiful, and nice, and fun (pity I couldn't stop myself from picking on the poor woman when I had switched bodies with Elizabeth {Buffy}) but the whole relationship was messed up from the get-go, and it is shocking to see where the women had wound up taking it around about Halloween some years after I met the blonde witch!
I wasn't there to see it, but I heard about it from the grapevine; especially after Willow was a friend and picked me up... we chatted about what had happened to her lover, and how dark she really went- and WOW! I hadn't expected Red to do something so deadly., guess that's what happens when someone kills Red's girl!
Perhaps the reason Willow needs affection (and by that I mean love, practically any form of love, and when love is refused- she has shown the frightening propensity to force others to show her the affection that she desires) is that her parents were largely emotionally absent from her life.
Anyhow: with the rise of the sound of the klaxons, the drive to do my duty is now to rise, and hopefully fear will settle down and let me do my duty.
Author's Notes End Chapter 1.): This is Faith Lehane POST her stint in Prison. Prior to Prison, she was a happy and unrepentant psychopathic woman, post prison: she was a upstanding young lady who'll do whatever it takes to help her neighbor. Something clearly happened to her in jail. Something that turned her around and into a good woman where before she was a villainess!
This is my first attempt at Poetry in years (probably decades), so please be both gentle and completely honest with my faults and me; but above all, please do inform me of where my errors are, so that I may deal with them as best I can- this is a work in progress- the writing skills that is.
My head-canon has the general concept that the First is also known as Lucifer- that's right, it is supposed to be the Devil, and that's the "Master" Faith is so terrified of. Her state of "slavery" is one of addictions- hers is to violence; seemingly induced in her youth., and culminating in her later years of getting so messed up.
Someone who's addicted is LITERALLY a slave- albeit unlawfully- as they Don't have their full freedom, and that is yet another point in this poem/story.
Please do read, review/comment, and enjoy! Thank you for your time and attention.
