Author's Note: This is my first fanfiction ever, everybody. Hope you like it. If you don't, screw you. Nah, I'm just kidding. Enjoy!
Chapter 1: New Challenger
Two people just entered into a room. The room has all of the mysterious and intense atmosphere of a secret-agent's interrogation room, yet surprisingly also has a refreshments table. The refreshments table is nice and well-stocked up except for distinct lack of human body parts (you'll get what I mean in a sec). Anyway, the two people are now awesomely taking their seats at the two chairs as they sit next to each other at a small oval table. They will soon be facing a video camera and broadcasting throughout the ECHOnet an event that will drastically change the world of Pandora.
One of them is a middle-aged man in a swag-as-hell black business suit. With his well-groomed hazel-colored hair and brand-name eyeglasses, you would think he is some kind of hipster dude in businessman attire. But no, he is just a regular dude…in hipster-businessman attire! It just so happens that he is hired by the Pangolin corporation to act as an interviewer and broadcaster to the Pandora corporate vault hunt event, which is kind of weird since they only make lame-ass shields that take away a part of your health, but who gives a f*ck anyway.
The other person is a middle-aged woman, seemingly a bit younger and less hipster-like than her associate. She is quite sexy-looking with her shoulder-length wavy black hair, barely noticeable red-pink lipstick, and red business wear. However, it is her personality that stands out, and not in a good way. She surprisingly has the ability to speak sarcastically hurtful words while sounding genuinely kind, which would put a certain science-obsessed AI to shame. It is a surprise that she has been hired by the Anshin corporation to broadcast this event, since Anshin means "peace in mind" and she is about as peaceful to the mind as an icepick to your scrotum. Here's a warning: you would rather stick your head inside a skag's butthole than to mess with her. "But skags don't have buttholes," I hear you say "They eat and poop through the same hole", and my reply to that is "Precisely!"
The man begins to speak with a confident yet charmingly manly tone, "Welcome to the Corporate Brand Allegiance Vault Hunt, hosted right here on the collective clusterf*ck of bandits, wildlife, and loot known as Pandora. This is a major event in which every corporation that has supplied Pandora with weapons will seek to come to an agreement in order to achieve a mysterious source of potentially super-mega-ultimate-badass-legendary power known as the Vault. I am Patrick Anderson, representative of the Pangolin corporation…"
"…and I am Xiao Lan Chen, representative of the Anshin corporation." The woman continued, with her lovely voice. "We shall both act as interviewers to the vault hunters and broadcasters of this event so that you viewers can sit on your lazy ass watching people gun down thousands of human-beings for the slight chance of wealth, fame, and power. The agreement is that the corporations out there want to obtain the vault's power but doesn't like the hassle of continuously spending money on soldiers and other resources to hunt them down. Not to mention the frequent clashes between corporations can seriously put a hole in their budget. So, while the CEOs of the corporations will be watching from afar like a bunch of pussies, they will each send one representative per corporation to participate in the hunting down the vaults all across Pandora so they can open it and obtain its tremendous power."
Suddenly, the one who is working on the camera (because he really isn't that important, we'll just call him the cameraman) just said "You know these corporations are the ones sponsoring us, right? You probably shouldn't say bad stuff about them, especially on LIVE ECHOnet broadcast."
"Oh, shove a foot in it, cameraman" Xiao Lan said, maintaining her kind and sweet tone of voice.
"I have a name, you know. My name is-"
"Anyway, these seven lucky corporations will be Dahl, Hyperion, Jakobs, Maliwan, Tediore, Torgue, and Vladof." Patrick continued. "The representatives will receive no external help other than what they can carry along with them. The gear used can only be what was manufactured by their respective corporations. That includes weapons, shields, grenade mods, and special machines or gadgets that demonstrates their so-called 'action skills'. These vault hunters will compete with one another on Pandora until one representative from a certain corporation will ultimately find a vault and claim it as their ow-"
Suddenly, there is a voice shouting at the outside of the room "What'cha mean you don't have no spicy human liver at the refreshments table?" The raspy and rude voice was that of a woman. Sounds like she was really hungry for spicy human liver.
"Like I said, we don't have any and you shouldn't even be here" said someone outside the room who wasn't worth mentioning. "Now please leave this area at once or I'm going to have to call secur- OH MY GOD! MY LIVER!"
There was the vague sound of some brutal human butchering and someone tastefully chew on someone else's liver before spitting it out. From hearing this through the door, the cameraman inside the room was scared sh*tless (no literally, he just sh*t a little in his pants) while the two reporters retained their calm composure.
"Damn, son, your liver taste like ass. Now I don't even want to know what your ass taste like. Thanks for ruining my appetite. Here's your liver." The rude woman said as she gave back the man's liver and entered the room. She dresses like one of the bandits on Pandora, but with subtle changes.
First of all, she's a female bandit, which was almost unheard of on the bandit world of Pandora. Second, her psycho bandit mask seems to be missing the part that covers her mouth, leaving only the top part of her mask covering her face. Third, she has fairly dark skin and her dirty brown hair was tied into three pigtails spreading out in different directions, resembling a cross. Fourth, she wears arm bandages, red vest over a black tank top, and orange baggy pants. Lastly, on one hand she was carrying some sort of mechanical wrench-and-buzzaxe hybrid that was presumably used to take out that man's liver, since it is currently covered in blood, along with her mouth, cheeks, and her other hand.
There was a brief moment of silence before someone spoke up. "I was going to ask who you are and what you are doing here, but I'm afraid if I do so, I'll lose one of my organs as well." Xiao Lan calmly but cheerfully said.
"Pfft, don't worry, girl, I don't eat lady parts." The female bandit casually said as she tries to wipe off the blood and walks closer to the table.
"So, what bring a fine lady like you to this crummy studio of ours?" Patrick spoke up, equally as calm as Xiao Lan.
"HOW DARE YOU?!" the female bandit shouted, which made both reporters jumped a little. "How dare you start up this corporate vault hunt business thing on my home-sweet-home planet of Pandora, doing all sorts of crazy ass sh*t for giggles and having stupid-ass adventures by shooting skag lickers with the bullets crapped out of the same skag that they licked on…" There was a brief pause. Just as the female bandit catches her breath and the broadcasters were about to speak, she finished her sentence."…without ME!"
"Um, excuse me, but you are…?" Xiao Lan questioned with a bit of confusion.
"Oh, where are my manners? I haven't even introduced myself yet." The female bandit said as she holster her buzzwrench (we're calling it the buzzwrench now so shut up) allowing the two broadcasters and the shitting-himself cameraman to let out a breath of relief. "I'm none other than the one-and-only Mama Jaws, creator of the Bandit brand weapons, shields, and grenade mods. I came here today to state how I should be part of your corporate-vault-hunt-brand-allegiance-whatever, since, you know, I'm part of the corporate gang now."
"Hmm, I wasn't aware that the Bandit brand even has a corporation." Patrick said curiously. "I assumed the various weapons and gear were haphazardly put together by the local bandits scattered all across Pandora."
"Pftt, yeah right," Mama Jaws said. "These bandits don't even have half a working brain cell to put together a gun that can put holes at their enemy skag lickers without putting holes in themselves. Gun crafting is an art, know what I mean? It takes years of tinkering and jury-rigging to make even one working gun, let alone butt loads out there. I was the one responsible for all that. Me, Mama Jaws! Even had a neat lil' workshop back in my town. Started out as just one gun crafted in scraps and bits, then BANG it took off as a major business of 'Fuck Yeah'!"
"Even if what you said is true, that you are the founder of this 'Bandit' corporation, you still cannot participate in our corporate vault hunt." Xiao Lan said. "It is strictly for the corporations that all negotiated with a written agreement. Everything is already planned out."
"Girl, I like you. Hell, I'll even bed you if you into that sort of thing. But SHUT THE F*CK UP AND LET ME PARTICIPATE IN THIS SH*T, ALREADY!" Mama Jaws raged.
Suddenly, the cameraman interrupted. "Um, shouldn't we do something about that guy outside? You know, the one with the missing liver? Maybe, we should, I don't know, get him to a hospital or something." the cameraman said nervously.
"SHUT THE F*CK UP, CAMERAMAN, or I'm gonna burn and eat all your babies, not particularly in that order!" Mama Jaws yelled.
"I have a name, you know." the not-named cameraman whined.
"I'll have to agree with the lady bandit on this one, cameraman. You still prefer to have your organs intact, don't you?" Patrick said, causing the cameraman to reconsider. "If you must, you could get the poor fellow to a hospital, but keep the camera turned on. This is getting interesting."
As the cameraman did what he said, Patrick told Mama Jaws "Well, we'll need a moment to consider. We'll also have to contact the corporate board to see if they'll allow it."
"Well, I got time, but I ain't that patient, so GET YOUR ASSES GRINDING ON THE ASPHALT AND HURRY IT UP!". Mama Jaws exclaimed.
As Patrick pull out a communicator and allow him and Xiao Lan to contact the corporate group, Mama Jaws helped herself with the contents at the refreshments table. Although the food lack the distinct flavor of human flesh (thankfully), they are still tolerable enough to be eaten. Since Mama Jaws haven't had breakfast yet, she chowed down the food and drinks like a hungry dog.
This went on for several minutes until Patrick and Xiao Lan finished conversing with the corporate leaders about the situation. They then turned back at the female bandit, who is still eating from the refreshments table.
"Please, help yourself. It's not like others need to eat or anything." Xiao Lan remarked sarcastically.
Mama Jaws then turn towards the broadcasters, with food still in her mouth as she tries to gulp it down. "Huh? You done? I was wondering what took you guys so long. I thought you were jerking off or something. So what's the news?" she said.
"The good news is you are now allowed to participate in the corporate brand allegiance vault hunt. You'll have to follow the rules just like other corporate vault hunters and you'll have to fill out some forms" Patrick said.
"Heck yeah! Wait, you said I've to fill them forms? You know I'm not the spelling buzz-buzz type, right?" Mama Jaws said.
"We'll take care of that for you. But we still need you for the interview, to let the viewers know more about the vault hunters." Xiao Lan said.
"Inter-viewing, huh, Well, I'll bite. So when do we start?" Mama Jaws said.
"How about right now?" Patrick said.
"Alright. Just let me finish up with your disgusting disgrace of a refreshments table, and I'll be right with you." Mama Jaws said as she continues to chow like she might eat the table itself if she could.
Xiao Lan let out a dry heave before quietly saying "Bandits, am I right?"
