scared dogs bark the loudest

part 1.


I don't want kids.

I've never wanted them.

Or maybe it's not so much that I didn't want them, it's more about the fact I couldn't even imagine having a wife to want them for me- no less finally finding said wife and raising them to be strong willing members of society.

…the society that has (since all I can remember)- silenced me and thrown rocks the size of skulls at my heels with slurs.

So no, I didn't particularly ever even stop to think about babies-infants-children-parasites- until Kagome had been approached the question (completely unprovoked) at the fall festival.

And while she had stammered awkwardly with her face growing hot and her ears going red as she shied away from it with the grace that only she can possess- I felt like my tongue had turned to ash in my mouth. Suddenly everything notokay with having brats flooded my every thought, and no matter which angle I played it, it ended with me and her-bringing children into a world that would only grant them rejection.

"Probably later down the line?" She looked at me inquiringly (inquiringly?!) and then glanced away, gesturing with her hands to shoo the question away, like she commonly does.

There was a silence between us- something like denial hanging on top of it.

I wish I could tell you that things went smoothly after that- that she confronted me about the question later when we were alone in the comfort of our hut and that I responded with my reasonable points, hoping to convince her to drop it all together.

But of course, we weren't even half way to the hut…

"Inuyasha, do you have to be such a jerk about it!"

"I'm the jerk? Oh, I'm the jerk now? Am I the one forcing damn brats onto you?"

"Forcing?! I'm not forcing-you won't even let me talk! If you would only- "

"Keh, if I would only what? Give you what you wanted? Then you'd shut up?"

She stared at me with glazed over eyes and I had a feeling I was already heading for the woods tonight, so everything else cold and broken and ugly in my heart tumbled like stones from my mouth-

"Well that's not happening. You're not winning this time, Kagome. I'm not going to be your fucking seed donation for your fabricated fairy-tale where we can have kids and everything will be all damn right. Cause it won't. Nothing will go right. You can hardly take care of yourself- and you think can take care of kids?"

I fucked it up.

I fucked it all up.

And she didn't even have to turn around quietly for me to know that. Leaving me with the heavy silence of victory.

I didn't want this.

Truth is, I can't even take care of myself.

Truth is, Kagome takes care of both of us- the other day I didn't even know I was eating poisonous berries until she swatted it out of my hands.

Truth is….

Truth is, I'm terrified.