We do not remember days, we remember moments.
Cesare Pavese
Growing up in my life was hard. I had a parent who was abusive and alcoholic. My younger sibling slept around and did drugs, and guess who the responsibility fell on. Me. My name, well my name is simple it's Haruka Hayashi. Yes, my family was Japanese, well more like my mom, my dad was Greek. But let's not talk about that son of a bitch. He never existed in my life. Well lie he did but only for like five years and then went and cheated on my mother, no she doesn't deserve that name, her name was Kanako Hayashi, my father's name was Calix Antoni.
My brother's name is Coriander Antoni. He took my father's last name because he said my mom didn't deserve to have any kids with her last name. He was tall, about 5'7". He had shoulder length bright blonde hair and deep chocolatey brown eyes and tan skin. I can't deny that I didn't love my brother. For I actually loved him very much, he meant the world to me. I would do anything for him but he didn't see it that way. My brother felt I hated him, I never got why he felt that way when I was the one to take care of him when we were very young, he was two and I eight. That's when everything changed between us.
I remember it was October 31st, Halloween. My brothers birthday. I was helping him get dressed up in this cute ninja turtle costume. He was going as Michaelangelo. I was going a my favorite disney princess, Belle, from Beauty and the Beast. I remember helping him into his costume and he looked at me and said, "T'ank thew mommy." I was surprised because I mean for one I'm not his mother and for two, well mommy was standing right behind him when he said that. Mom was still hurt at the time that dad had left us, even though its been two years. That was also around the same time she started drinking. But she never hit us yet. That night was the first time she did. I remember the sharp sting and the pain exploding across my cheek. The cry of pain that escaped my lips and the shocked and slightly scared expression on my brothers face.
"You little whore." My mother would tell me. "What have you been telling your brother behind my back? Telling him to call you mom?" She would snarl.
I would whimper in pain and stutter back about how none of it was true and that it was just a slip of the tongue. I will admit at the time I was a genius, even for my age. I already was taking high school classes, all online of course but my mommy never knew that. She just assumed I slacked off at everything I did. I think a reason why my mother hit me was because I looked so much like my dad. Bright blonde hair, tan skin and beautiful purpley blue eyes. Mom never hit my brother, she never hit Cori. Only me. But I remember her picking me up and carrying me to the closet and locking me in there with no lights on while she took my brother out to trick or treat. And so my fear of the dark and enclosed spaces was born. I don't know what she told Cori that night, all I know is he was never the same again. He had to grow up it seemed like. He slowly changed over the years, growing distant from me and slowly he started beating me too, and then it only got worse.
My mom would hire men to come in at night and do unspeakable things to a small innocent 9 year old. I remember always thinking, wishing to go to the place where I really belonged. That was also around the time I fell in love with anime especially Naruto. My mother started sleeping around and my brother looked up to her as a role model, especially when she brought home her new "toys" and they would tell him stories of all the things they did. He loved the things he did. He started bringing home girls also and would do things, slowly he got into drugs and then finally one day he just died.
I remember the day before he died he was admitted into the hospital. I was 27 at the time and was finally out of the house after having the police called on my mom and had her sent to prison for life. I still loved my brother even after all these years so I visited him in the hospital. Walking into his room was a depressing sight. My brother who was once so handsome was now looking like a disheveled old man because of all the drugs he took. Finally he overdosed and was sent here. I walked over to him and held his hand telling him how much I loved him and then went quiet when he opened his mouth to speak. I could barely understand him so I leaned down to listen.
"Haruka, I'm sorry for never standing up for you when mom was hitting you. i should've rebelled against her, especially when I had the chance. I'm a horrible bro-" He was cut off by harsh hacks raking across his body, not only was he dying from drugs, but also cancer. "-other. I don't deserve your love or forgiveness. But live on for me Haru, please?" I knelt down and kissed his forehead nodding with tears in the corner of my eyes.
"I promise Otouto and I forgive you. I love you. You're not a horrible brother, your the best brother if anything, and you did rebel against mom, you didn't keep her last name." I said grabbing his hand and crying slightly. He smiled and took a shuddering breath and then slowly stopped moving and breathing. "Goodbye Otouto, stay safe and wait for me." I said kissing his forehead one last time and I walked out crying.
Walking out of the hospital doors I turned the corner and heard yelling. Somebody was yelling for help and another was yelling at them to shut up. I didn't like when people were in trouble so I started running towards the shouts. Big mistake on my part, but also a good thing. Finally arriving I see a man trying to rape a young girl. The girl looked beaten and bruised. I ran over and using my awesome karate skills I roundhouse kicked the guy in the side and he fell over. The girl looked at me and started crying more. I helped her up and whispered soothing words in her ear and started to walk with her out of the ally when the guy stood up again and I heard the click of the gun he was holding. I threw the girl out of the alley before the sharp pain exploded where my heart was. Not thinking twice I picked up the rusted knife that was by me and threw it him hitting him in the heart and watching him sink to the ground. I turned to the girl who had screamed when I got shot, she was staring horrified and was calling for someone to come help. Other people who saw the event but did nothing to help pulled out their phones and started calling both the police and an ambulance.
I felt a hot burning feeling in my throat and coughed hoping it would help. What I saw surprised me. Blood, so much blood. I finally looked down at my chest and saw a gaping red hole staring at me. I looked back up at the girl holding my wound and gave her a smile, blood pouring from the wound and dripping to the ground, also pouring out of my mouth and slowly dripping down, falling. Next thing I knew the girl screamed as I fell landing on the cold hard ground and staring up at the sky. The girl rushed over and held me. This stranger I didn't know was showing me kindness. I smiled at her, "Don't worry about me, it's my time I suppose. I mean fate works in weird ways, but always remember. Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place. But I'm glad you get to see this world for another day." I said and then closed my eyes smiling peacefully, accepting the fate that I was given.
Now I won't say dying is peaceful, because it's not, I mean I was shot in the heart or pretty close to and yes it does hurt. But I definitely wasn't expecting what happened after I died. I "woke" up in a meadow with children running around and a figure was standing in front of me, staring. I slowly sat up not feeling pain when I realized I was back in my eight year old body, before everything happened. There was no gunshot wound, no pain. Only happiness and a feeling of comfort, but I still felt something was missing. I looked at the figure who hadn't moved yet.
"Where am I?" I asked looking around the place. The figure, who I now know is a man, looks at me and chuckles.
"Why you're in the place of decisions, only a certain few actually come here." The man said picking up my small child's form and holding me on his hip like I was young again. Well I guess in a sense I am young again…
