Most of you don't know that I've kidnapped Iggy, but... I have. So today I was home alone & very bored and I started talking to Iggy. I end up hiding behind the couch a few times and I have to explain my fear of telephones and golf courses. Then there was a frickin EARTHQUAKE.
Note: All the events in this story are real: My fear of telephones and golf courses, the lack of food, the earthquake. It all happened. =)
Dissing the claim: I disclaim Maximum Ride. And Alice in Wonderland. Oh, and the song is "I Write Sins Not Tragedies" by Panic! at the Disco. And I don't own 'A is for alibi', which is by Sue Grafton.
Me: Iggy! Help! I'm home alone and the phone rang and you know how I'm afraid of telephones so I didn't pick up and the person left a message and I don't know who they are or what they're talking about so now I'm hiding behind the couch with the laptop!
Iggy: How much sugar have you had this morning?
Me: Oh. Well, um, my mom gave me a candy bar for breakfast….
Iggy: Is she out of her mind?
Me: Heck, she doesn't care how hyper I get! She's at work!
Iggy: But she left me to deal with you alone?
Me: She doesn't know you're here. =)
Iggy: So I've been living in the attic for what, a month now and she hasn't noticed?
Me: Well, she's at work all the time and my brother does nothing but play video games and my dad is at work even more than my mom so no one ever goes in the attic except me.
Iggy: The attic is dusty. And full of mice and those big unidentifiable hairy things that look like mice on steroids with huge claws.
Me: I remember those things. Kocha caught one once, before I kidnapped you. I came home from school and it was lying on the floor dead. I screamed. But I was home alone so no one came to save me from the dead thing.
Iggy: Last time I checked, dead things weren't a big threat to the populace.
Me: *Ignores* Now that the madman-on-the-answering-machine-threat is over, I'm rereading the Poetry Corner! YAAAAY! *Throws confetti around*
I have an idea! In the chapter where Fang takes over he posts questions that Saint wrote to him. I'll copy and paste the questions here and we can answer them!
Iggy: Yes, just how I want to spend my day. Answering questions.
Me: Never mind. It got boring so I deleted it.
Iggy: Now I've got Bon Jovi songs stuck in my head…
...
Iggy: Hellooo? Jessica? Where'd you go?
…
Iggy: Say something!
Well, it appears I'm alone. She either got on the other laptop, is hiding behind the couch again, went to her room to talk to other fictional characters, has her headphones on, is reading "A is for Alibi", is drawing something stupid and random or disappeared to go on another "adventure".
Me: *Singing along* So, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words!
Iggy: I write sins not tragedies?
Me: AHH! Don't talk to me about that bitch!
Iggy: What? Oh you mean... a certain unnamed writer on this site...
Me: The first and only person to flame me so far. I totally pwned her though, with my reply.
Iggy: She still hasn't written back.
Me: Probably 'cause she's too embarrassed 'cause my reply totally pwned her flame.
Iggy: True, true.
Me: Wellllllllllllllll I'm bored.
Iggy: Why do most of your sentences contain that phrase?
Me: Having the attention span of a goldfish might having something to do with it.
Iggy: I'm hungry.
Me: I'm bored.
Iggy: Good for you. I want food.
Me: Ha-ha, remember when we were watching Jim Gaffigan on the telly and he was talking about bacon?
Iggy: If you put bacon bits on bacon I bet you could travel back in time.
Me: Like a tasty vortex…
Iggy: Where's your brother, anyway? He usually cooks, right?
Me: *sigh* He's on the eighth grade trip to Darien Lake. I wish I could go. I lovest Darien Lake.
Iggy: I bet they have food there.
Me: I thought you were supposed to be a really good chef?
Iggy: I don't feel like cooking right now. I just want food.
Me: Meh. There might be somethin' in the fridge. I'll go check. *walks off*
…
Me: *Walks back in* There's rice noodles, water, carrot juice, nacho cheese and peanut butter.
Iggy: Fruit?
Me: *Sadly* No fruit.
Iggy: *Sad* Check the cupboards.
Me: 'Kay. *Walks off*
…
Me: *Comes back* Manicotti, orzo, and rice penne. Oh, and like, a billion boxes of tea.
Iggy: *Sarcasm* Great. We can have nacho-cheese filled manicotti with tea and carrot juice.
Me: *Thoughtfully* I wonder how that would turn out…
Iggy: Don't try it.
Me: I suppose we'll go lunchless today.
Iggy: I want corn chips and bacon.
Me: I want scalloped potatoes and strawberries.
Iggy: I want Gatorade and Snickers bars.
Me: I want cream soda and Fettuccini Alfredo.
Iggy: *Stomach rumbles*
Me: =(
Iggy: =(
Me: *Sigh* Guess what?
Iggy: What?
Me: I'm bored.
Iggy: You're always bored.
Me: I dreamed that I accidentally turned you into a sunflower.
Iggy: *Makes weirded out face*
Me: It all started when JpFreak dressed up as a ninja and killed Dylan…
Iggy: That sounds like a mixture of chapters 1 and 2 of Death To Dylan.
Me: Ha-ha, yeah… Guess what?
Iggy: What?
Me: I'm bored.
Iggy: No kidding.
Me: …Hey Iggy.
Iggy: What?
Me: Guess what?
Iggy: What?
Me: I'm—
Iggy: ENOUGH WITH THE BEING BORED ALREADY!
….
Me: Listen! What's that noise outside?
Iggy: *Listens* It sounds like a truck or a tractor…
Me: Or a black helicopter! *Hides behind couch again*
Iggy: That reminds me, why are you afraid of telephones anyway?
Me: Well, duh! Don't you know how easy it is for someone to tap onto your phone line and listen in on your conversation? Don't you know the government listens to phone calls for signs of people knowing more than they should?
Iggy: What, do you know all about area 51 or something?
Me: No, it just creeps me out that someone is always listening… That could be anyone listening in on your conversation! Like a murderer. Or a rapist. Or a stalker.
Iggy: Yes, because the government often hires murderers and rapists and stalkers. Why don't you like answering the telephone though?
Me: You never know who's on the other end…
Iggy: Okay, but tell me, what is so terrifying about golf courses?
Me: Well, once I was at a golf course, and it was really nice, like, in terms of a golf course, but you couldn't pay me to go back there.
Iggy: Why not?
Me: I got a bad feeling about it… there was something weird about that place.
Iggy: Like mutant weird? Alien weird? Paranormal weird? Brainwashing weird?
Me: No. Just… weird. But the brainwashing thing reminds me, I've been nominated to go to The Young Leaders Conference Thingy In Albany! *Confetti*
Iggy: Are you gonna go this year?
Me: I'm debating. It's cheaper than last year, but do I want to go? What if they're brainwashing people behind the scenes so they're all pro-government?
Iggy: I don't know. They could be.
Me: OW MY TOOTH FRICKIN HURTS!
Iggy: That was random.
Me: *Whimper* Ow… I'm in pain. I want Burger King.
Iggy: Are you gonna post this or not?
Me: I think I am. I'll add an author's note than post it later.
Iggy: I want cinnamon buns.
Me: I want fried chicken.
Iggy: STOP! No more speak of food! I'll die!
Me: You're right. Let's watch TV to get our minds off food.
Iggy: Okay.
Me: *Turns on TV*
*Food Network pops up*
Me and Iggy: AHHHHH!
Iggy: *Turns off TV*
Me: *Moans* I'm considering disgusting rice noodles…
Iggy: Yes. Rice…noodles…now…must…eat…before I… kick the bucket….
*Iggy and I walk off to get rice noodles*
INTERMISSION
*Iggy and I return carrying bowls of rice noodles*
*Suddenly the house starts creaking and moaning and builds up to a point where it's shaking*
Me: WHY IS THE HOUSE SHAKING?
Iggy: OMIGOD IT'S LITERALLY SHAKING!
Me: WE DON'T GET EARTHQUAKES HERE!
*House stops shaking*
Iggy: Holy. Crap. What was that?
Me: I don't know! There's never been an earthquake here before.
Iggy: The floor was literally vibrating.
Me: Jeezum, it's normal for the house to shift but it was SHAKING! FRICKIN SHAKING!
*Telephone rings*
Me: *Runs up and checks caller ID* It's my mom! *picks up phone*
One phone conversation later…
Me: *Hangs up* It WAS an earthquake!
Iggy: O_o
Me: Well, actually it was just tremors, but my mom felt it at her work an hour away!
Iggy: Wow that was my first earthquake…
Me: Mine too. I bet it'll be on CNN!
Iggy: It was freaky…
Me: Wow… the tectonic plates are shifting right beneath our feet…
Iggy: Holy crap.
Me: Yeah… *Freaked out* What if they're warning tremors? What if an actual quake is on the way?
Iggy: If I can remember correctly from Science class, there aren't any places where plates meet near us, so there can't be an actual quake.
Me: But what if they've got it all wrong? What if there IS a place where plates meet under us and we're all gonna die?
Iggy: Reread what you just wrote.
Me: Oh. Um. Well, it looks like I'm overreacting again.
Iggy: Uh-huh.
Me: Let's watch Alice in Wonderland now! ^.^
Iggy: If your going to post this you should really add the Author's Notes now.
Me: You're right. BYE PEOPLE!
No wait, I don't like that ending.
ALTERNATE ENDING
By buy bye!
-MyNameIsNOTJessica and Iggy
Oh em GEE people, look at this cute little button! It says 'review' on it. Isn't that just darling? *Gasp* I have an idea! Imagine if you clicked that adorable button...
