You'd had to have been blind and stupid not to realize we'd been doomed from the start. I didn't care at first though. I didn't care about how he would unknowingly call me her name, when he stared longingly at her when he thought I wasn't looking. All I cared about was how I now had a man who seemed to love me. Seemed being the deathly word. I was almost sure though that his infatuation with her would pass. It wasn't until I overheard him telling Gibbs that he loved her that I realized I had made a mistake. A mistake that would cost me greatly.
Unrequited love. It hurts. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to talk. It hurts to smile and pretend that inside I'm not slowly dying. It hurts to know I mean nothing, never have never will, to the man I'm utterly in love with. I hurt. And he will never know how much he is hurting me.
It seems, I'm sad to say, that everyone else, aka the crew, have quickly realized what is happening. They don't say a thing. I beg them not to. So they just look at me with pity in their eyes and a sad smile on their face. Sometimes I contemplate whether or not staying on the Pearl is meant for me anymore.
I should leave. It's not only me that thinks it either. The crew, even Mr. Gibbs, suggest I go the next time we make port because they can't stand the sight of my patheticness anymore. I should leave. It would hurt like hell at first but slowly I would move on. I would find myself a respectable, kind, loving man, no ties to piracy, and settle down. We would have a house in the country where our little children could play.
I should leave. But I can't. I don't know life outside of piracy. I don't know how to act like a respectable lady. I would never make it without the Pearl, her crew, or most importantly her captain. I don't know a life without Captain Jack Sparrow. And my chest tightens up a little more as I picture it without him. So I stay. Everyday I die a little more inside. Yet I stay and I love him…. I fear that decision will be the death of me.
