A/N Hey guys, this is my first Walking Dead fic, so I hope you all enjoy it and I write the characters to be at least a little believable to the cannon. Obviously I don't own them, and Copyright belongs to AMC and all that stuff I have written ahead about a dozen chapters, but if you like something/don't like a direction please review and let me know and I can consider seeing if I would continue, or go down a different path. Anyway I hope you enjoy this as much as I have enjoyed writing it.
Twelve months after TERMINUS.
It was the first, but the last, and yet it was the first...if that made any sense at all, like most of his thoughts even Daryl struggled to get his head around that; but all of it at once, led him to this moment...
It was the first scream that he heard from Beth or Maggie, whichever one of them it was, right back at the prison, that had set his blood on fire, sent a searing pain coursing through his veins like someone had literally injected acid into his arms. He'd never felt anything like that, his body was numb with pain. That was the last time he would feel controlled, tethered... at peace in any small way. Yet all of that led to this moment, which was the first, the first time in his entire life that he had ever felt alive, truly alive. He had survived, sure, and even before this, even in the old world he had always breathed and eaten and even laughed, but not until this moment had he ever really lived. He couldn't have, because he had never felt this before, and that utterly confounded him. Because this was his death, he was sure of it. It had slowly been building and building until this point and, yes, he might just be lying down to die and the truth was it was beautiful. He was going to die and he felt pride, something he had never felt, something so unexpected.
Daryl Dixon was going to die with pride and honor and he was actually happy, he was okay with it, he was at peace with it. It's not how he was expecting to go, it sure as hell wasn't fair. He thought he'd go out fighting, not just lying down and dying like this, but he was okay...it was okay, it sat well with him. He never thought he could be okay with going out like this, but somehow he was.
He had done it; gotten her to safety and this…this was so much more than he could want. Yes, he didn't want to die, but if he did...this was okay... because for one moment in his life he had it all, more than he could ever imagine.
He looked up to the blue sky and felt the sun warming his skin and he just enjoyed it, enjoyed the quietness, no living nightmares to worry about, no fears, nothing. The clouds wisped lightly against the blue and he was amazed at the gentleness of it, the beauty of it. He'd stood under that same sky his whole life, but never had he seen its beauty like this and he was mesmerized. Even though everyone was yelling around him, it was silent and he was at peace. For the first time in his life he was free.
He closed his eyes and felt it, the pull of what most certainly was death. It was not as he had imagined; he didn't feel defeated, it wasn't cold and dark, it was warm and embracing and so comfortable. There wasn't pain in this place, it was bright, and he felt himself not falling, but rising... if that were possible. Rising to that awe-inspiring sky, he felt himself rising up and shedding all the fear and pain and loss of his life, until there was nothing left but the whisper of a memory, just her face darting in and out of his vision as if it wasn't really there. Then it was gone and the world was silent.
A/N Please review, I love them, and please be patient the first few chappys might be a bit slow.
Story Playlist
THIS IS MY PLAY LIST FOR THE STORY, AND THE REASONS WHY I CHOSE THESE SONGS.
Just in case anyone in interested, I actually have a playlist for this book, and they're all really great songs, I find having a playlist helps create a flow from the start to finish, so I find a few songs that I feel say what I want the book to sound like. If you're interested, I have an android phone and downloaded them all for free of an app called mp3 music download.
Comfort-Deb Talan
My Vampire Heart - Tom McRae
Monster-Skillet
Worst day since Yesterday-Flogging Molly
Kedvesem/Only one for me-ByeAlex
Up the Wolves-The Mountain Goats
Last pale light in the West-Ben Nichols
Be Good-Waxahatchee
Be not so Fearful-A.C Newman
ONLY BOTHER READING IF YOU'RE INTERESTED, IN HOW I INTERPRET THE SONGS AND HOW THEY APPLY TO THE STORY.
Here's my list, an explanation of what I believe the song says and why I chose it for this story.
The first few are songs featured in The Walking Dead.
Be not so Fearful-A.C Newman
This is the song playing when Maggie's group enters Terminus.
I love it because I think it's talking about not worrying about life, that sometimes there are things you'll have to do that maybe you don't think you can, that maybe go against who you are, and you might be afraid that you can't come back from that, but then you can't shy away from it either. And the knowledge that you won't go too far because someone is there to pull you back and remind you who you are when it all gets too heavy.
As I relate it to my story, I kind of think that's who Beth is to Daryl, that grounding influence that stops him tipping over the edge.
Be Good-Waxahatchee
This is the song Beth is singing in the funeral home.
I think I like this one for how it relates to my spin on the fic, because clearly they like each other, but just don't want to do anything because it will get messy and the fear that they'll mess it up and be stuck with someone that you really do love so much, that it would hurt seeing them hurt, so you settle for something that's more than friendship, you settle for an understanding, that is deeper than the sexual attraction. That's the kind of love that you'll never stop searching for.
Last pale light in the West-Ben Nichols
I can't remember hearing this on the show, but it's on The Walking Dead playlist, which was the first time I've ever heard it.
I really like it because its meaning is simple, and it seems so Daryl to me. It's kind of like being in a dark tunnel and seeing a light: you've got to head for it because it's the only known thing or being alone in a zombie apocalyptic world and knowing Beth is somewhere, you've got to find her because she's the only real thing left.
I like the line I ask for no redemption in this cold and barren place, still I see the faint reflection, and by it I've got my way.
As it relates to this story, Daryl is so darkened by this world, and I think there's a lazy realization that Beth is too, but somewhere in her is something that he doesn't have without her, hope and belief that he could be a better person.
Up the Wolves-The Mountain Goats
This is the song playing when they burn down the cabin. I take it as representing Romulus and Remus, the two boys, that were abandoned by their mother, raised by wolfs and founded Rome (you know that story) this is probably one of the deepest songs I know, because I can't figure out what it's about, I think it's a lot about abandonment, and a little about not needing revenge, wanting it anyway, but embracing the fact that it's a completely futile endeavor. I think it's also a bit about sticking it to the man, knowing that you're now heading in a direction you don't really want to go, but you just think fuck it, I'm gonna go full steam ahead anyway, because really there are no other options. I think it's also about anger and freedom, about being abused and wanting to hurt someone else just because you're so tragically writhing in inner pain. But then the freedom that comes with just accepting what is, and pretty much bucking to it, but in no way giving in. It's also a bit about just obliteration society, because it never really helped you. Maybe it's about looking for help, knowing you're never going to find it, except maybe with your brother in arms.
Yeah I think that's it, I think it's about being downtrodden and hurt so many times that you finally get to that point, where you go batshit crazy and turn against your own nature and build on that because it's all you got, and then somehow finding acceptance and thriving.
I don't know, this song says a lot to me, I really recommend you down load this, I probably thought way too much about it, but I just connect with it on an emotional level I guess. :D the way it relates to my story... self-explanatory really.
Not from The Walking Dead:
Kedvesem/Only one for me-ByeAlex
Obviously I have a thing about songs where people are raised by wolves LOL, which makes sense for my story with the way OneEye looks after Beth.
I love this song. Personally I prefer the Hungarian version, but it seems to fit how I imagine a tender Daryl feeling. Chorus is: coz I've got nothing now, just the one for me, the one for me, she's all around, so lovely, so lovely, and I'm so glad I found the one for me, the one for me, I'll sing it loud, she's all I need, all I need, I got nothing, now, just the one for me.
Worst day since Yesterday-Flogging Molly
This is my second favorite song in the world I see it as just being so used to being downtrodden and things not working out, so used to that drowning feeling that you know no matter what you do it isn't enough, so used to being so full of anger that you can't really feel anything else, no matter how terrible. It's that moment that you go, yeah, I'm on my back often enough I should just stay here, just lay down and die because that would be infinitely less pointless than what I'm doing now, only somewhere in you, you can't seem to stop fighting, to stop living, because somewhere in you there is a passion for life that cannot be destroyed, so you stand up, shrug it off, patch up the pain with whatever you need to do, flick the off switch on your feelings, and force yourself to live another day, because why the hell not, you've got nothing better to do. It's also a bit of a somber bar brawlish song in my opinion.
Monster-Skillet
This is definitely my Daryl song. Of the list, it comes on and I think yeah he's about to start pushing someone away right about now.I like the opening verse, The secret side of me I never let you see, I keep it caged but I can't control it, so stay away from me the beast is ugly, I feel a rage and I just can't hold it. I kind of think that's why Daryl pushes people away, because deep down he knows what he is, which is brutal and cruel and unforgiving, it's not who he is, but it's in him, and it probably always will be because of his past, so it's easier to push people away than to hurt them and have the shame of apologizing, or worse yet, having someone love you despite you're inner nature. So you lash out and really make things worse for yourself because that feels less foreign that happiness.
My Vampire Heart - Tom McRae
I think this is about just being in love but knowing you're not good enough for that love, not fighting it, but accepting that you can't have it because you know you're going to hurt that person. I think it's tenderness beneath the animalistic wickedness in your soul. The metaphor of your heart being vampiric, dead without that person, unable to beat with your blood alone, and yet the knowledge that deep down, you'll never find what you're looking for because you died a long time ago.
As it applies to my story, this is how Daryl feels about Beth when he finally realizes what she means to him, he knows he loves, her knows he's absolutely going to do anything to keep her alive and happy, knows there's not a universe that he could live without her in, but is convinced that giving himself to her would be fatal to her soul, and that's not something he's ever truly willing to sacrifice.
Comfort-Deb Talan
This will be later known as Beth's Lullaby
I think this is unconditional love, the just caring for someone in a way that doesn't have to be raging passion and emotion, but it does turn you around and disorient you like a raging torrent under calm water. It's the knowledge that no matter how far apart you are you will always be together. I think it's also about heartbreak and loneliness and despair and when you just have nothing, you have this, you have someone who loves you and is willing to share that with you.
