Thinking


{ Cal }

One of the hardest things about the crash was the fact that we'd lost a colleague, a co-worker, a paramedic, a friend. We'd lost Jeff Collier. He was in a different place now. But, no matter how hard that was, there was something that was undoubtedly harder for me:

The fact that I almost lost my little brother, my baby brother, my safety net. The one person I knew I could turn to when I had made a mess of things. I knew I could count on him to catch me, even if it made him hate me more than ever. He would always catch me, stop me from completely throwing away my life. He would stay by my side until I was ready to stand back on my own two feet. Whether literal and metaphorical.

It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do; sticking that needle in his chest. I know it saved his life but it was the hardest challenge of my medical career. Actually, it was the hardest challenge of my life.

Thinking about it now, if I hadn't have done it, I know I wouldn't be able to cope knowing that I hadn't helped my little brother, when he helped me so much. I doubt I would have been able to do anything if I lost Ethan. That was the cold, hard truth. I may act like I don't need him, like it wouldn't matter to me if he suddenly disappeared. But in reality it would, it would tear me to bits if he disappeared. If he'd died I never would've forgiven myself.

It hurts to know that I almost lost him. It hurts to know that I almost lost him, without telling him all that I needed to. I did get to tell him and he knows, now, how much I need him. How much I love him.

And I do love him. With all my heart. He's my little brother, he's important to me. Very important. I'd do anything for him. I may not show it - I don't want to molly-coddle him - but I'd do anything to help him get back on HIS feet. When he falls, he's never needed me, not really. After the crash was the first time he's ever leant on me, fully and completely. It gave me the strangest feeling to know he trusts me. When he realised it was me treating him when he first came in to the hospital, he seemed so relieved. So, happy. Almost like when we were younger.

We were close back then. Sometimes I wish we still were. But, we're not. We're too different. It's OK though. We might not be close like we were when we were younger, but we're still close, in a way. It's complicated, but I know this;

We're close

We're friends

We're brothers

We're going to stay by the others side

We're going to help each other through thick and thin

We're going to look after one another

Not just because we're doctors and it's our job to look after others

Not just because we're family and it's our job to support each other

Not just because we're co-workers and it's our job to help each other through the hard times

But simply because we love each other