Chapter 1:
Let's Dance to Joy Division.
You know that whole, "You never really miss something until it's gone," bit? Well, I've suddenly seen the truth in it as I sit in this waiting room, surrounded by twitching, nail-biting headcases and fake, potted plants. I miss my kunai. Of course, Konohagakure Psychiatric Hospital was overly concerned about safety; they even had metal detectors and special uniforms to change into at the door. At least my wonderful sensei was nice enough to keep them from forcing residency here upon me. My being able to stay at home was probably more for his benefit than mine. Ha, go figure. I may have been able to stay at home, but I might as well just move into one of this lunatic asylum's rooms. I was here from ten in the morning to seven in the evening participating in everything from group therapy to Yoga (it was assumed that the latter would help 'relax' me.)
Should I back up to explain how I wound up in this stupid, mental healthcare cycle? Me leaving Konoha was well recorded, as was the slaying of my brother; No, I won't elaborate on that just yet. I had every intention to destroy this damned village, because, after all the pain I was forced through for their benefit, I thought it was only fair they take a hit for me as well. I suppose I still felt that way, but between the medication and constant feeling of having the village's finest ANBU operatives breathing down my neck, I guess I was just too damn exhausted. I didn't care enough anymore. I just didn't, y'know?
If you do know, if you can even relate to this feeling, then be sure to take out your own home for me.
Anyway, I was dragged back kicking, screaming, yet beaten to the point of near death. My team wasn't in much better shape, but they approached the Hokage with less flames in their eyes than I could hope to ever have, even after all this ridiculous 'healing.' They wanted to fight, to grab me and escape, but something about my descent into madness and Konoha's willingness to pardon me, convinced them to act their age and cooperate with the adults, for once. I snorted at the idea.
Tsunade thought I was due for some therapy and a 24/7 ANBU squad tracking my every move. They biggest punishment, though, was that my home life needed just as much surveillance. Lucky me, the only ANBU member that stepped up to the plate was good 'ole Kakashi-sensei. He provided me with cover from the stiff, informative ANBU members at night, but I would much rather be stuck in a room full of Orochimarus than whither beneath his bright smile, or.. well, what of it I could see, I suppose. He was just so damn.. casual, impassive.. cold? My drug-fogged brain couldn't sort out and place a finely printed label next to his image, so I gave up.
Whatever he was to me, however his feelings veered, he became my legal guardian. He oversaw all my appointments, as in, made sure I actually showed up to them, heh. He monitored the chakra-suppressing bracelet I was forced to wear, and even administered all my pills; they managed to be given on time, every time. I hate this nurse/guard/maternal role game he always had to play. It bugged me to no end how professionally he handled me. The crazy Shinobi had yet to even yell at me since my return. I'm sure he had a lot to say, after all I put him and his friends through.. whatever, made no difference to me, right?
"Sasuke?"
I raised my eyes, connecting them with a set of pretty blue orbs, surrounded by a kind, yet professional, expression belonging to my one-on-one therapist. Dr. Aoki, she had me call her, but I preferred not to call her anything in our sessions, if I could help it. She stood expectantly, and I knew better than to make her wait around, as it usually put those damn guards on alert. I followed behind her, vaguely wondering why she insisted on wearing such short skirts; was she really fishing around for men here? Or.. well.. women? I don't know, I've never asked her preference.
She clicked her office door shut and bent down to plug in the white noise machine that rested outside her door. It was there in an effort to keep what a patient says from being heard by the outside world. There was no reason for it to be on now, though, not like I say anything of significance; not like I say much at all.
"Well, Sasuke-kun, anything new in your life?" She asked brightly, even letting some twinge akin to tenderness leak into her voice. It was probably somewhere in that folder of hers on me that I had been close with my mother; I wouldn't soften for Dr. Aoki because she acted sweet and feminine towards me.
"Being on a daily schedule doesn't leave much room for change," I replied, giving a half-assed shrug. She smiled at me, leaning forward on her finely polished desk; she needed to tidy it up.
"Does the schedule upset you?" She tested, like her toes were skimming the surface of an emotional breakthrough with me. Sorry lady, no dice.
"It's convenient enough for me. I don't have much else to do, anyway." My brows furrowed slightly. I couldn't stop staring at her stapler, it was on the left side of her desk; that bugged me. I would've put it on the right, lined up with her tape dispenser.
"True enough," she agreed, now picking up a pen of hers and writing on the clipboard with her finely manicured hands. I couldn't imagine what she could be scribbling about, considering I really didn't say anything of much interest to her goals with me. I was curious, but I didn't care enough to ask.
"Have you spoken with your former team members yet?"
I've been back about a month, they knew I was here. Hell, I'd even made eye contact with Sakura on my walk over here this morning. But neither had approached me, and I wasn't allowed much contact with Konoha citizens at the moment, so my answer would be the same as the last time she'd asked me this question, two days ago.
"No." I removed all emotion from this answer, as I did with all of them, but this one took less effort than I anticipated. It was hard to accidently leave some sort of presence of an emotion if you couldn't even put your finger on one.
"I see," she murmured, most likely to herself, as she scribbled down some more notes. This was so boring. "Kakashi-san will have to arrange something, I suppose.. "
I didn't bother to hold back an exasperated sigh at the mention of his name. For some reason this made her stop, a surprised, yet somehow triumphant, look on her face.
"Yes?" I asked dryly. Because, really, her open analyzing of me was just plain irritating.
"Tell me about Kakashi-san," she requested, gently even. I remember Tsunade saying her pardon would hold only as long as my cooperation did; the village elders could always overrule her. My life depended on the report this hospital relayed to her. Of course, because of their sworn, Hippocratic Oath, the details of my sessions were eternally private, but my progress reports were free game. So, I guess giving her a taste, a false sense of my improvement, couldn't hurt.
"What do you want me to tell you about?" Because there were so many angles I could go with.
Stunned by my willingness to comply, Dr. Aoki's mouth dropped a little, but she seemed to bounce back quickly enough.
"Well, was he a good sensei to you?"
"He seemed to care enough, he improved my strength and abilities; he basically did all he was appointed to do." I shrugged. I didn't know what she wanted me to say. I wasn't comfortable saying anything. But, I did, for the sake of a clean report.
"How is he to you now?" She pressed, obviously not satisfied with what I'd already told her.
".. Distant." And I clamed up, because I'd actually told the truth, and because I know that a professional would surely see that it affected me. But she didn't continue. She placed down her clipboard and tapped her watch with a bit of an apologetic look on her face. Seven already?
"We'll start from here tomorrow, Sasuke-kun. I'll accompany you to the waiting area. I would like to speak a moment with Kakashi-san." She smiled warmly and let loose a soft and twinkling giggle, but I shrugged off her kindness. I didn't want it.
She watched in confusion as I strode to her desk and placed her stapler where it should have been this whole time, because, if I hadn't done that, it would have bothered me all the way into tomorrow. He smile was less confident now, more pursed than anything, but I didn't feel like explaining myself to her, and took her moment of confusion to walk ahead of her to the waiting room.
x-x-x
Of course, Kakashi was there, that fucking stupid book perched on his crossed legs. He was working under strict orders from the Hokage; Be on time, or she would find someone who would be. I would rather him go with option number two, but so far, he's been infuriatingly on time, every time. Sometimes.. take a deep breath, folks, even early.
"Evening," he greeted warmly and with a casual flick of his wrist. I knew this out of character friendliness was for Dr. Aoki. She was a beautiful woman, I suppose. But nothing akin to arousal stirred in me when I was around her, even that time I got a nice panty shot by accident. Kakashi, one of Konoha's infamous playboys, couldn't seem to keep it in his pants around her. I could only guess the number of excuses he could make up to Tsunade about how banging my therapist would benefit me, and in turn, compliment how good of a job he was doing.
Whatever.
Dr. Aoki led Kakashi around a corner to where I couldn't hear them. If I was in top condition I would have been able to pick up their conversation, easily. But now I was nothing more than some doped-up, restrained and regulated teenage kid. That should infuriate me. I should pick up this damn chair I'm sitting in and throw it through the fucking wall. But I couldn't care less, not really. Sedatives sorta did that to you, I guess.
Dr. Aoki never came back around the corner, just a smiling Kakashi, and what I think was her phone number being quickly slipped into his pocket. No wonder he was looking so happy, he would probably be getting some while I was trapped in group therapy tomorrow.
"Up for a meal?" He quizzed, leading me out the front door with a hand placed between my shoulder blades. I repressed both the urge to shiver from the sudden onslaught of cool air and the urge to scoff at him. I was never 'up for a meal,' and he knew that. The idiot practically had to force feed me.
"Sure. I guess." Because, really, who needed a battle right now? One I already knew the outcome of, no doubt.
"Good, because we're fetching Naruto and Sakura from some ramen." He said this like it was a good thing, like I would jump for joy and giggle over it 'being just like old times.' I gave him a simple nod, but what I really wanted to do was just run home, hide under my covers, and fake sick. I didn't want to be along with the three of them, eating shoulder to shoulder like it was four years ago. I couldn't. I wouldn't.
But I knew I would have to.
"You seem uneasy," he commented lazily. I became aware of his hand still on my back all too late. I had tensed my muscles in anticipation, and he'd felt the reaction. Great. Damnit, I was losing my focus.
"I just don't like ramen," I murmured. He wouldn't believe me, but maybe he would at least pretend to.
"Ah, right." He nodded, though betrayed nothing in the sliver of skin that was left exposed on his face. "This night is for you. I'm sure we could cook something at our house." Our house? Like we were some sort of sick couple with some white picket fence. My house. My house. But at least we would be out of the public eye. I managed to calm myself down before I nodded in agreement.
"I would like that better."
After his short nod, an awkward silence fell; we both knew that the other was full of shit. After all, he was just so kind enough to let me trade one form of hell for another, like I was supposed to hug him and thank my lucky stars for this opportunity. It was like.. like a cat letting its prey choose to be either disemboweled or simply have its throat ripped out; "Golly-gee, you're so merciful!" Pffft. Though, to be honest, I don't think I'd mind either of that cat food's options right now.
"They don't hate you." Kakashi's voice took me completely off-guard, and for a moment, I actually found myself pouting that he'd snapped me out of my rather humorous daydreaming. After that petty feeling, I still found myself disappointed; I was sort of hoping for conversation to be done with until dinner.
"I'm sure," I mumbled, barely resisting the urge to roll my eyes. Who was this pervert kidding, anyway? I was the root cause for most of former Team 7's suffering. I would certainly hate me if I was in their shoes now, be damned whatever silly 'bond' I'd thought up beforehand.
"You're loved, they're excited for your return, but not even Naruto has the words to confront you with. You're not the only suffering with hurt." He said this all casually, as if we were engaged in a conversation about this brisk weather we seemed to be having, but his last sentence made my blood absolutely boil. What was he looking upon me as? Some little asshole who was feeling sorry for himself? I was stuck, surrounded by people who I positively wanted dead, living in a village that separated me from probably the only person who actually fucking cared about me, but never had a chance of expressing that love. They didn't even bother to kill me! Oh, no, just left me hanging here, suspended in the heart of their sick little mind games.
The sedatives melted from my fury-hazed vision. I found the energy to care, at long last. Hatake Kakashi would fucking pay for that completely thoughtless and insensitive little musing of his. It was probably because he expected me to stay calm as ever with all this shit he had personally supervised being put into my body, but the copy nin didn't even flinch when I got the straight-on blow to his temple. His head flew sideways, and his body followed, and I was just about to go in for another shot, but my muscles had softened, and that damn bracelet all but zapped any energy not required for basic organ functions. Kakashi easily sent me sprawling with a well-placed punch of his own, and he was then pinning me to the Earth before I had any time to realize how truly pathetic I'd become in this repressed body of mine.
Hands kept me from clawing at him, solid knees resting on my thighs kept me from kicking and flailing for all I was worth. But worst of all was his scent, his face, and the combination of the two floating down to me in warm puffs of air. He had leaned in so close that strands of silver hair clouded my vision. I couldn't recall all of what he chastised me with. All I could concentrate on was this.. this feeling. He was in my head, fogging it up, smoothly shutting down all though processes. He was in my body, sending shivers down my spine, molding a pool of warmth in my stomach. And I was suddenly in a panicked frenzy when I realized where else that warmth was beginning to pool.
And to my horror, he gave me a shocked expression that could've only been the result of one thing.
I guess he'd noticed where it had gone, too.
x-x-x
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hah, yeah, I probably have a few details off. And I, personally, don't think Kakashi and Sasuke have enough of a relationship to rush into sex and a relationship, y'know? So, needless to say, this is no PWP. Please review :D
