Title: Right Way to Happiness
Author: MelWil
Rating: PG
Fandom: Spooks
Spoilers: None really – happens after 2.6, sometime in series 2 or 3. DO NOT SPOIL ME FOR SERIES 4 or 5!
Summary: Ruth used to be happy.
"It wasn't always like this." Ruth picks up an empty coffee cup, examining the garish design. "I used to be happy."
Miranda raises her eyebrows. "Really?" she asks, and Ruth flinches at the hardness of her voice. "What is happiness?"
"Sleep. Friends. A good book in front of a good fire. Ballet." Ruth sighs. "I don't know why I'm telling you this. We don't talk to you."
"Sam talks to me." Miranda objects.
"Sam is different." Ruth exchanges the mug for a pencil, twisting it through her fingers. "She's too friendly, too innocent for her own good."
"I'm not working," Miranda reminds her.
"You're always working. You're always watching, waiting for us to snap so you can report us to the powers."
Miranda's smile is slow and Ruth realises her words are hitting their mark, that they're making the impression she intended. Guilt fills her, and she wonders if the process would be easier if she was a different person; if she was more like Sam and less like herself.
"Why did you come here, Ruth?"
Ruth plays with the fringe on the cushions and wonders how she's supposed to answer. Why did she track down Miranda's address? Why did she write it on a piece of paper, and tuck it into her bag? Why did she take the next step? Why did she knock on Miranda's door . . . ?
"I always wanted to work at MI5," she murmured. "The whole time I was at GCHQ, I was begging to be moved over."
Miranda shifts in her chair, and Ruth realises that the change of topic has been noted. Noted and analysed and tucked away for further consideration. "What was so special about MI5?"
"It always seemed so exciting, so . . . noble. Working to protect the country, but secretly, in silence. It always seemed like the right thing to do."
Miranda moves to the edge of her chair. "Was coming here the right thing to do?"
Ruth looks down at her hands. "Yes."
Miranda's kisses are steady and deliberate, laced with a touch of boring. Ruth tells herself that this is what she wanted, that she needs stability and safety, that it's just a protection mechanism. She tells herself that she needs someone, anyone, and Miranda is willing. She tells herself that it's the right thing to do.
She tells herself that it's the only way to be happy again.
