A/N: Read at your own risk.
It was a bright and lovely day in Central. Edward was not in Central. He was too busy being kidnapped. These stories usually begin with Edward waking up in a mysterious room all tied up. So, lets back up and start there.
Edward woke up in a mysterious room all tied up. For some reason it smelled like tomatoes, beans and rice. How that happen. One momment I was walking on the sidewalk and the next im in a chair too small for me (which is a pretty big acomplishment) and unable to move. I don't know. The author hasn't given any sort motive yet.
"Where am I?" Edward asked the door.
The door did not answer. It was a door. However, a voice behind the door was very capable of speech. "You are finally awake. I've been behind this door for hours, waiting for you to arise." The voice said creepily
"Let me out of here!" Edward yelled at the door. He sounded very intimidating.
"Oh, okay."
Edward's ropes were released. "I knew that would work!" He said and went to open the door.
"Hey, voice, the door is locked."
A little peep hole opened to show a pair of eyes. "Oh, er. Yeah. I'm actually supposed to knock you out now. You see, Ive been reading a lot of 'How to Be a Scary Villain' books, and apparently once you wake up- and I tell you I've been waiting I must knock you out again. Should I just torture you? Yes. I wanna make it big. I'm gonna not follow the system."
"Yeah, I can't tell you how many times I've been through this. Lets spice it up. So, I'll just go tie myself up again." Edward replied.
"Would you do that? Really? Thanks, man, that makes things, like, a million times easier." The voice thanked.
"No problem."
As Edward tied himself up again he could hear the rapid flipping of paper and headphones. Flipping of headphones? "Hey, what're you doing over there?"
"I supposed to make you miserable. So I've got overused YA fiction or Movie quotes and Circus Afro on loop." The voice told the small teen.
Edward paled. "You wouldn't."
"I have headphones. I would." The voice pressed play to Circus Afro and started the quotes off with "I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding".
"NOOOOOOOO!"
Alphonse was making his way down town, walking fast, faces pass and he's home bound. But he stopped when he realized it was exactly 5:01. Edward was supposed to meet him on this street after his mission at 5:00. What if something happened to him? What if he's hurt what if he's dead what if its my fault what if he left me its probably because I didn't ask if he was well this morning I'm such a bad brother he's right to have left my omg Ed come back I'm sorry. Al continued his kawaii little brother worries for 15 minutes in the middle of the sidewalk. Finally he came to the conclusion that Edward had been kidnapped and that he must seek out the help of a random stranger.
Luckily for him, a very pretty girl walked in his field of (1bison) vision.
"Excuse me, miss? My big brother has been kidnapped, will you help me find him?" Alphonse asked.
The pretty girl flipped her hair. "Oh, sure! My name is Star Sapphire Blaze of Lilly Raven Willow Grace. And-"
A blonde haired girl walked behind Star and smashed her head between the two covers of her thick book. "No, this is not a Sue parody. Get back to the other fic you're ruining, will ya?"
The Mary Sue dragged her mutilated self across the street and fell down a sewer.
The blonde girl with the bloody book looked up at Alphonse. "Sorry you had to witness that..." she said and continued waking down the street.
Alphonse pretended not to notice it.
*Gasp!* I almost forgot about brother! He thought and set off to Roy's office.
Roy wasn't fooling anyone. He thought he was fooling everyone. Well, he was fooling Falman. But he doesn't count. He was hanging upside down from the ceiling. By his his toes, in fact- courtesy of Havoc's sleep pranking. No one really noticed though. Wait, what was this paragraph even about? Oh yeah. Roy and his laziness.
Anyway, Roy was pretending to do paperwork. It wasn't exactly a huge surprise that he was slacking off. Not many people yell "What'cha gonna do about it? Nothing, you're not real" or "Yes, I have indeed poured my heart and soul into this wonderous piece of paper" when they're doing their assignments.
He was actually drawing out his feelings. He had drawn an image of himself wearing a crown with the word Fuhrer above it. His colleagues were all wearing togas and carrying food platters, all the female officers were required to wear tiny mini skirts and he drew Ed with a speech bubble saying: I'm a little teapot.
But at least he'd actually been writing on the paper, opposed to just sleeping. Whenever he would get caught by Hawkeye he's use the excuse of "My therapist says I need to confront my feelings using a different approach. I chose drawing." Don't ask about his previous confrontations. You don't wanna know.
So Roy was doing his usual slacking off when he heard a loud thunk on the door, followed by a small "owie!". Then the doors were kicked down and slid across the room.
"Edward has been kidnapped!" A large suit of armor said.
Mustang sighed but didn't look up. "Are you sure you didn't just step on him again?"
"I don't got time for your shit, Roy!" Alphonse yelled in his unintentionally cute voice. "My brother- the only family I've got left- has been taken away from me! I can't take care of myself by myself!"
Roy looked slightly taken aback, since Alphonse never swore. He'd usually just use ridiculous substitutes like "gosh darn, diddly-doo!".
"Yeah, okay I'll call the kidnapper then, if it means that much to you." He reached for his Powerpuff Girls telephone when it continently rang. "Oh, I bet that's them."
"...Well pick it up!"
"Oh yeah." Roy cleared his voice and practiced saying hello a couple times before picking it up. "Hello, Colonel Roy Mustang- the Flame Alchemist's office, Colonel Roy Mustang- the Flame Alchemist speaking."
"I have your subordinate: Edward Elric!" Said the voice on the other line,
"Yeah, I know." Roy replied leaning back in his chair and looking at his fingernails.
"I have him in my shack on St. Gringose street." It said less enthusiastically.
"Mmhmmm."
"And I'm torturing him...?"
"Okay."
"Don't you want him back?"
"Why, will you give 'im?"
"Wha- no! I called to make a negotiation!" The voice was obviously frustrated.
"Ehh..." Roy groaned non-chalontly. "I'm not feeling very generous right now. Will ya put Ed on the phone?"
"Look, Mustang, I don't think you understand. I'm playing Circus Afro."
...
"...On loop?"
"ON LOOP!"
"OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU MONSTER!"
"Ehehehe! Now you understand! Now listen-"
"Where are you?! I'll rip your skin off for playing that around my subordinate!"
"Oh uh. Well that's a bit-"
"I hope you're ready to kiss Justin Bieber, because that's the closest source of pleasure you'll ever find once I'm done with you!"
"So, all you need to do is come alone so I can kill you and-"
"Arm yourself! You're gonn wish-"
"I hanging up now bye!" The line went dead.
Mustang slammed the PPG phone onto the desk. "Damn it! I almost got the location!"
Alphonse shuffled his feet awkwardly and asked the colonel. "What are they doing to brother that got you so angry?"
Roy couldn't tell poor innocent Alphonse. His soul couldn't take it. He had to lie.
*(1)*
"THEY'RE DOING WHAT?!" Al's screech was so loud it shattered all of Central command's windows.
I can't imagine what his reaction would be if he found out the truth.
"Lieutenant Hawkeye! I am in need of your assistance!" Mustang called.
He turned around to see her with her hand at her forehead and her same stoic face. Roy almost had a heart attack.
"Yes sir?" She asked
"Ed's been kidnapped and we-" Al started
"Again?" Hawkeye suppressed a giggle.
Mustang snorted. "I know, right?"
"Be serious! Ed's been kidnapped and forced into... terrible things. And we need to get him back before its too late."
Riza nodded. "Just the three of us?"
"You're right, Hawkeye! You genius! We need a fourth addition! And I know exactly the person." Roy exclaimed.
"Actually Sir, I think three is a good-"
Roy ignored it and pranced along with Riza and Alphonse hand in hand.
