Betrayal-
to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty:
to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling:
to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to:
There are numerous ways to define the word, but to me, every single definition related to how I felt. I'd been stuck in a Hydra facility for four weeks, and in the time that I'd barely spoken to the love of my life... Bucky Barnes had betrayed me, and they used our love against us. And as a result Hydra had succeeded in reeling me back in. Forcing me to take my father's place, Alexander Pierce had ruined my past, and now, even with him dead, he was ruining my future. I was now in too deep... I was forced to work for an organization whose main goal was to kill millions. I am now one of the many leaders of Hydra... at the top of the food chain in my division. I had inherited this in the wake of my father's passing, and the amount of control I had was overwhelming. It didn't matter that I was treated better than everyone else, it didn't matter that suddenly I was in control. I knew that Hydra was wrong and that what this place stood for, wasn't something I wanted to be apart of, but if I wanted to destroy Hydra, I'd have to stay. I was going to use all the knowledge they give me against them... I was going to help my friends take down Hydra, and I was going to be the last person anyone suspected...
The air is cold as I stand in the control room. My eyes glance over the numerous maps sprawled out in front of me. I'd stared at these maps for hours on end, in hopes of finding a way to start taking Hydra down. I am all alone, with only my thoughts to keep me company. I hadn't slept in days, and my eyes are red from exhaustion. My fingers drum against the desk top as I lean over the desk, my eyes focusing on the names dotted along the map. I breathe a deep breath.
"Long night?"
His voice breaks me out of my inner thought process. I don't glance back at him, instead I keep my eyes on the map. I wasn't ready to talk to him... not yet.
"Emilia..."
He whispers when I don't respond.
"... You'll have to talk to me eventually."
I sigh, shaking my head in protest.
"James Buchanan Barnes... I have nothing to say to you."
I say this harshly. I was still angry with him, and while I know that none of this was his fault. I couldn't help it... I was still frustrated with him. Hydra had brainwashed him, and through that brainwashing they had conditioned him into doing things against his will. He'd thought that he had control over his actions after S.H.I.E.L.D fell, and my father died, but he didn't. They had conditioned his mind to react to a trigger word, and once he heard this trigger word, he unwillingly led me back to Hydra. Over the last few weeks he'd gotten a bit better, and he was slowly getting more control over himself. Back when my father had been in charge, he'd done what the men before him had done. They'd put him in cryo freeze after they were done with him, but I refused to do that. If I was ever going to give him the freedom of getting his mind back, then I needed to do it through letting him live. His mind has been wiped so many times, and I would not let anyone do that to him again... Not ever. He'd started gaining control over himself again... the control he'd had weeks ago before my accidental use of the trigger word messed with his mind. While I was proud of his strides forward, I still couldn't stand to talk to him. He'd betrayed Captain America, Sam, and Natasha. He'd led us to a situation that could've ended in our deaths... I tense when I feel his hands on my waist, his breath on my neck. When I'd came into my position in Hydra I'd made a big decision. One of my first decisions was to keep the winter soldier close. I'd managed to convince everyone that the romantic relationship between me and Bucky was a positive. That our relationship was the way I got him to do my dirty work. And as a result of my convincing, he was now free to roam the halls, just as the other Hydra members were. He had more freedom than before, we even started sharing a room, but since I didn't seem to sleep anymore I barely went in there.
"Emilia you're tired... come to bed."
His words taunt me, as his close proximity clouds my better judgment. I keep my eyes on the map, trying hard to focus on the paper, and not his lips.
"I can't sleep."
I whisper as his hands draw me in even closer.
"You're avoiding me. Sleep has nothing to do with it."
I clench my jaw as I move my hands to his arms, pushing him away. I turn to face him, my blood shot eyes focusing on him. I hadn't really spoken to him since the night Brock died... since the night I'd told James to kill him. I haven't had the time to tell him how I felt, or how betrayed he'd made me feel.
"I'm avoiding you, because you led me here. Hydra got inside your head and now we're stuck pretending to care about Hydra's next move. You betrayed me, but worst of all you betrayed your best friend. Steve Rodgers is a good man and you hung him out to dry, and I know you didn't mean it, but it's still hard to look at you. It's still hard to even be in the same room as you."
He looks at me, his face not holding any expression. He clenches his jaw.
"I didn't realize I was leading you here. I didn't realize it until it was too late, and I didn't know that Nick Fury's name was a trigger word for me. If I'd known, I would've stopped all of this, but I couldn't. Your father knew you wouldn't want to come back here. He knew that his daughter wouldn't want to take his place, so he fucked with my mind. He forced me to do this, so yes I've done something terrible, but I didn't have a choice. I didn't have any control over any of it."
His face is inches from me, his lips almost brush against mine. There is tension between the two of us, and perhaps it was a good thing that we were airing out our feelings now. Especially when everyone else was gone. I'd sent them away... I hated the other members of Hydra, and they knew it. For some reason they liked that I hated them... they liked that I avoided them, but maybe it was because my old reputation of being ruthless when it came to torture. I finally dare to move my eyes to his, feeling my stomach turn when his blue orbs find my green ones.
"I know you didn't have any control..."
I whimper.
"... It just is what it is James."
He cocks and eyebrow when I say this, his head tilting to the side as his eyes watch me intently.
"Emilia..."
His voice sounds sweet, traces of caution laced in the way he says my name.
"Don't..."
I whimper, tears move to my eyes. I'd been good at keeping my distance, I'd been good at not telling him the full extent of my sadness. The sadness I'd felt because of his betrayal. I couldn't take him being nice to me... I couldn't.
"... Don't say my name like that..."
A tear escapes my eyes, as I turn to face him. Our gazes lock once more, and for the first time in weeks, we actually look at each other.
"... Do you have any idea how mad I am at you? And I don't want to be mad at you... I love you."
He nods.
"I'm mad at me too..."
His tone is much sadder than anything I've ever heard before.
"... I had control, or at least I thought I did... but I didn't. I hate what I've done, what I've had to do. But there's nothing I can do to fix it. It's too late."
He's right, there wasn't anything we could do, and it was too late. So why was I punishing him? Especially when I shouldn't be.
"Bucky..."
I state with a shaky voice. More tears move down my face, and I don't know if it was because of our confrontation or if it was because of the little sleep I'd had.
"... I love you."
I state as I draw him in, pulling his body to mine. His touch felt odd and foreign. The last time we'd really been close he was pointing a gun at me. He awkwardly wraps his arms around me, its like he's afraid he'll hurt me. Hurt me more than he already has.
"I love you too..."
He mumbles against the side of my head.
"... I mean that Emilia... I really do."
He sounds hopeless, and I'm sure he feels that way. I couldn't even begin to imagine what he's going through.
"Now come to bed..."
His voice rasps as he glances over at the maps I'd been looking at.
"... All of this will be here in the morning."
I want to protest, but my exhaustion seems to agree with him. He moves his hands to my face, the pads of his thumbs brush against my skin.
"Bucky..."
I state, my voice wavering. He was right... everything, every bit of this hell would be here in the morning, but that didn't make it any easier. How was I supposed to sleep when I felt like I was going to burst? How was I supposed to sleep when I felt like on edge. Trying to take Hydra down from the inside is a good idea, but if anyone finds out... they'll kill James... and I won't let that happen. I don't care what they do to me, but if anything happened to him... it would kill me in a way a bullet couldn't.
"... I'm scared."
I mutter as if I'm ashamed. I'd never admitted fear before, especially in front of him. His gaze intensifies as he watches me, his eyes gleaming with realization. Ever since we'd arrived here, I'd felt like I wasn't safe, not even with him. Hydra had gotten into his head without him realizing it, what's to stop it from happening again? I felt like I couldn't tell him anything, I felt all alone. He sighs pressing his forehead to mine.
"That's why your on edge isn't it? It's not only because you're afraid of what I can do? It's because you feel like you aren't safe here. You think they're going to hurt you."
I take a deep breath and focus my gaze on his.
"Remember when nothing scared me? I would give anything to be that way again..."
I move my hands over his, guiding them from my face. I hold him close to me before continuing.
"... I'm just really anxious about everything."
He nods.
"Sometimes it's good to have nerves. It means you care about what needs to be done. But I know you Emilia. You can do anything you put your mind to."
I give him a small smile.
"I'll need your help... I can't do this without you."
He uses our entwined hands to pull me in against him. The second my chest touches his, he guides his lips to mine. We hadn't kissed since the night he unwillingly turned on me. It had been weeks, but it felt like years. I found myself re-learning the way his lips molded against mine when we touched. He deepens the kiss, his hands moving from mine, guiding them to my hair. Before we get too caught up in our moment, he breaks the kiss.
"You don't have to do it without me, because I'm not going anywhere. Emilia I will be with you through it all, and I promise to try as hard as I can to not let you down again."
I nod, I no longer care about what happened. I only care about what's happening now. I shrug my shoulders.
"I love you. I love everything about you."
I lean up to kiss him once more. We might be in a place where everything could go wrong at the drop of a hat, but it didn't matter. We were together, and as long as we were together Hydra didn't stand a chance.
