Author's Note: For some reason I've been inspired to write fanfiction again, the last time being two years ago. I simply couldn't resist. I should be concerned about a ton of other things right now (College oh God), but I've just got to get this out of my system. Also, the title doesn't have much to do with Raymond Romano (even though I do love his show). I simply think it's the most appropriate phrase for what I'm shooting for. Go figure. Also, I've taken a few liberties in terms of when certain canon events occurred, but I wouldn't say they're drastic enough to warrant this full AU. Goten is 16, Trunks is 17, and Pan is still in the womb. Enjoy, yo.

Pairing: (Goku / Vegeta) with humor, romance, and a bit of angst. Oh, and lemon.

Rating: T for now, M for later chapters.

Summary: After a series of bizarre circumstances, Goku and Vegeta find themselves living together. Goku wants to be best of buds, and Vegeta…well. Yeah. Ghosts, love, and awkwardness galore! A story of eleven parts.


Everybody Loves Goku!

Part One


Kakarot has just sent you a text message!

What the fuck? Vegeta stared at the screen of his cell phone with a raised brow. "How—how do I—"

"Just press that dial right there. God, Vegeta."

And thus began another moment in Vegeta's life where he would have to learn to accept a bizarre Earth custom. For the last hour and a half, Bulma had opened him up to a whole new world of communication possibilities that ironically lacked much communication. Capsule Corp in the past had equipped him with cellular devices that had done just fine; babbling to a multitude of idiots wasn't a favorite hobby of his anyway. If he could talk and hear the other person on the opposite line, he considered a device sufficient. It took days of viewing his son key away at a phone to finally care about what 'texting' was.

Suffice it to say, he wasn't impressed.

"This is asinine." Vegeta opened the text message on the small phone Bulma had bought for him. Sadly, his gloves and large fingers defied any sort of logic of possessing such a tiny thing. The more he became aware of the fact, the more his temper had begun to build.

"It's all the new rage, Vegeta. For a Saiyan, you really need to get a grip." Both of them were seated at the edge of Vegeta's bed, the comforter pulled back. Bulma snorted and pressed her face against his cheek in order to get a better view of the glowing screen between his palms. "Let me see what it says."

Hey Vegeta!

Vegeta nearly fell over. "Is that all he had to say?!"

"Well," Bulma exhaled. "That's pretty much the breadth of text conversations."

"But that's—" He stopped to think. Pure Idiocy. Moronic. Illogical. Offensive, even! "Stupid," he finally settled on. "And if Kakarot wanted to tell me something, why couldn't he just call? Doesn't 'texting' defeat the whole purpose of this piece of trash?"

"Look, Vegeta." Bulma stood up off the bed and placed her hands on her hips. The Prince looked up at her with slight admiration. It was apparent that earlier she shoved a pair of lab goggles to the top of her head in a hurry; her blue hair was a twisted mess trapped under a band of rubber that kept the instrument strapped to her scalp. Earlier she was out of breath when she came bouncing through his door holding the new phone. While she was far from her younger self, she appeared very childish. Her lips were pink and face bare of any make-up. Vegeta cocked his head oddly and continued to stare.

Bulma snapped her fingers beside his right ear. "Earth to Vegeta! Did you hear a thing I just said?"

"Uhm," what the only thing he could muster after shaking himself out of reverie.

"I said that if you want to stay with the old times, then so be it. But Goku seems to like staying ahead." She bit her lip at a pause. "If you catch my drift."

Vegeta's mouth fell open. "If you are suggesting that Kakarot stays ahead of me in power—" The phone suddenly made a strange blip! noise.

"What just happened?!"

"Goku sent you another message while you were wasting time complaining. Look." She grabbed the phone from Vegeta and opened the message:

REPEAT

From: Kakarot

Hey Vegeta!

"You need to reply back."

"Give me the phone, woman!" Vegeta snatched the cell back and immediately sought about the task of replying to his rival. He didn't want to send something as stupid as a hello. Becoming self conscious, he turned the phone away from Bulma's view as his thumbs struggled to press onto the correct keys. Finally he sent his message:

I'm trying to figure this stupid shit out.

"You have no class, Vegeta." Her chin was now resting on his shoulder so she could steal a second glance at the phone's screen.

"I have more class in my thumb than in your entire body." His shoulders bounced a bit as he laughed to himself. "Trust me, I've been with you long enough to know how true that is." Bulma opened her mouth to argue when the phone made another inappropriate blip! Vegeta opened up the new message from Goku:

...lol?

The two sat in silence. Vegeta kept his eyes glued to the screen as he felt his cheeks start to burn. He cleared his throat.

"What does el-oh-el mean?"

Bulma nearly screamed with laughter. "You're hopeless!"

Vegeta gently shoved her peering face off his shoulder. "Enough! I'm calling Kakarot to end this foolishness right now."

Bulma doubled over and clutched her stomach to ride off the last waves of laugher. Vegeta's face was flaming red now, which only made Bulma burst into a new fit of giggles. "You're too adorable!"

"Shut it!"

She wiped a tear from her eye before looking Vegeta in the face. "Yeah, sweetie." Catching her breath, she waved a hand at him. "You call him. That's probably what's best for you at this moment." Ending with a wink, she pulled her goggles back down over her eyes and left the room.

Vegeta's only company was now the soft sound of the air conditioner blowing tufts of coolness through the vents circling the top of his room. The sound seemed to mock him, make him more aware of the fact that he was seething. He ran his free hand through his spiky hair. Automatically he went to his contacts list and selected Goku's name. He waited as ringing filled his line. A moment later the familiar voice answered.

"...Hello?"

"Kakarot?"

"Yeah?"

Embarrassing silence filled the phone's receiver. What was his point in calling Goku? He'd spoken to the clown only a few times by phone in the past, messages between them usually unnecessary. When Goku wanted something, he'd normally just show up at the Capsule Corp front door. Perhaps hearing about him getting a new phone had inspired Goku to become more annoying.

"Uh...How have you...been lately?" Oh, Kami, I sound as if I actually care. Vegeta smacked his forehead. Perhaps today would be a new record for moments of dumbassery.

"Oh! Uh…I've been okay."

Vegeta was taken aback. At this point in any conversation with Goku, the younger Saiyan would be flapping his lips away about the first thing that had popped into his head. Talking was a sport he was nearly good at as fighting. Today he was strangely quiet. "That's good, I guess," was all Vegeta could think to reply with.

More silence. Vegeta suddenly found his kneecap to be of extreme interest and began to scratch it.

"So how's the new phone?" Goku said finally.

"I think it's garbage."

Goku giggled a bit. "Yeah, I figured you'd say something like that." Vegeta then heard him inhale over the line, as if preparing to say something else, only to end it with a bizarre cough.

"What was that?"

"What was what?" Goku's innocent voice was painfully evasive.

"You were going to say something."

"I was not."

Not up for a long exchange leading nowhere, Vegeta sighed with resignation."I'm getting off the phone." He brought the cell away from his ear, only to hear a sharp cry from the receiver.

"Wait! Vegeta?"

"Yes?"

"Are you going to be busy later on?" Goku's voice wavered a bit on his last word.

The building tension in Vegeta's chest lifted a bit. He had called Goku because of the stupid text message. Of course. He'd forgotten. And Goku had obviously wanted something. "Why? Do you want to spar?"

"Um, I guess."

"You guess?"

"I mean. Well—"

"Stop beating around the bush and get to the point."

"What I wanted to say was that we could always do something else other than fight."

Something else? "Kakarot, are you touched in the head? What else would I possibly want to do with you? Go out on a date?"

Silence again. After a few moments, Goku responded slowly, which struck the Prince as odd. "Thanks, Vegeta. Always good to know I have a friend when in need."

"Well, I do try."

"Anyway," Goku sighed, "I suppose I could come over and fight for a while."

Vegeta was stricken with a thought. For the past year or so, both Saiyans had been wrapped up for the longest time in having spats, ranging from mildly playful to down-right cruel. Vegeta didn't know why they occurred, but he wasn't afraid to admit to himself that he enjoyed them.

But most of all, he enjoyed initiating them. A lot. "You suppose? What else do you have to do that would be more important than fighting me?"

"A million things!"

"Name one!"

"Ah-uh-eating!"

Vegeta laughed. "While normal people would have said paying off bills or maybe seeing their children...The first thing you mention is stuffing your face. I'm disappointed, but not surprised." Vegeta prepared to laugh again, only to be sent into a state of shock by what Goku said next.

"Oh? And what bills are you paying off, Vegeta?"

OUCH. "Shut-up, moron!" Vegeta blushed for the second time that hour as he sat through Goku nearly dying in a fit of laughter on the other end. The ass! "Fine!" he half-yelled, hoping to quiet Goku, "If you come over we can fight and eat, therefore narrowing down your list of one million different things to do."

"Fine with me," Goku said after lowering his voice to a chuckle. And at that very moment Vegeta could imagine it—Goku smirking due to his newly-won victory over the phone. Years ago Vegeta would have hunted the third-class down and attempted to beat him senseless for even talking to him in such a manner. But now, Vegeta found the image of Goku smirking to be a warming rather than annoying sight.

Still, he was pissed. "Fine."

"I'll meet you at our spot, then." Goku's laughter had ebbed away.

"Yes."

"Alright."

Silence once more.

"I'm truly getting off the phone now, Kakarot."

"Right."

Vegeta ended the call and shoved the offensive device back into the clip on his side. Stretching a bit, he leaned back onto his bed until he collapsed onto the sheets. He closed his eyes.

I can't believe Kakarot had the balls to say that.

And he laughed out loud before spreading his arms across the bed enough to where his hands dangled off the sides.

Suddenly he opened his eyes and frowned.

"BULMA!"

"WHAT?" screamed back a voice used to communicating through layers of steel and cement.

"Kakarot IS COMING OVER TO EAT!"

No response. Knowing Bulma, he figured she was already on her way to do some damage control. Having two hungry Saiyans at one dinner table was a problem that needed hours of dedicated pre-planning.


One. Two...Goku stretched himself from left to right, then bent over; still he kept his eyes up in anticipation for the arrival of his sparring partner. It was a breezy and fair afternoon, and luckily there was little humidity. The sky was tinted pink and only a few clouds permeated the expanse, appearing lost and odd. The Saiyan took his eyes off the heavens and viewed the ground before him. He was standing in an immense clearing several miles from Capsule Corp, rolling forest surrounding the clearing itself. Not too far away was a cliff that dove hundreds of feet into a waterfall valley, one Goku would have explored for fish had he not the invitation of a hot meal that evening. And lately he had few hot meals he didn't cook for himself.

There was an unspoken understanding between him and Vegeta: if they were to fight, it would always be here. Of course not always in the exact same spot, but in the same general area. Funny how we communicate better when not speaking, Goku thought.

Long ago he blasted away any surviving plant life from the dying site, careful to make sure there weren't any large animals living there as well. He honestly made an effort—unlike Vegeta—to not destroy everything and everyone in sight if he could help it.

"I wonder what's taking him so long," he whined. He wished he at least had his phone so he could text Gohan at work. His stomach was also growling again. A moment later he picked up on Vegeta's energy and gazed up.

"Vegeta!" he yelled, knowing the other Saiyan couldn't hear him, but enjoying the name in his mouth nonetheless. The two had developed something that resembled a real friendship instead of strained camaraderie—which meant that Goku felt comfortable showing a smidgen of excitement whenever Vegeta came around. The thought that he could be dead wrong—that Vegeta still hated his guts and only met up with him to cure boredom—naturally made more sense than the notion that they were real friends. But Goku pretended not to care.

Vegeta flew down and landed gently in front of Goku, arms crossed. His mouth twitched. "What the hell are you wearing?"

Goku looked down at his chest. "Oh, this?"

"Yes. That."

Goku grinned. "It's a Capsule Corp jacket that Bulma gave—"

"I know what it is!" Vegeta screeched. He grasped onto an edge of the cropped denim jacket. "Why are you wearing it?!"

"Uh." Goku was completely dumbfounded. "Because it looks cool?"

Vegeta fell over. "They're not pieces of merchandise, you idiot!"

What's his deal? Goku scratched the back of his head. "Geez, Vegeta. I didn't know you were so sensitive about what I wear."

"Sensitive!" Vegeta yelled back, eyes wide. "I swear to the gods, Kakarot," he stomped his foot into the dirt like a toddler, "I won't walk around looking like you!"

Goku took a closer look at Vegeta's attire and laughed. "Oh! I didn't even notice! We're matching today, aren't we?"

"Matching!" It was the only word Goku understood in a string of curses that weren't in any language he knew. "I can't fucking believe this!"

Goku saw that Vegeta's jacket was the same color and style as his: black and cropped a few inches above the waist. But while Vegeta donned spandex, Goku had on a regular white tee and a loose pair of pants.

"I want you to—No, I command you to take it off this instant!"

Goku smirked. "What if I don't want to take it off?"

Their eyes met before they both disappeared.

Quietness seeped into the area. Nothing moved until—

"—Nng!" Goku coughed as Vegeta slammed his right elbow square into his back. He felt his neck snap; white searing pain tore at his eyes as he found himself looking down dozens of feet above the ground. They had both appeared in mid-air, fight fully initiated.

Goku stopped himself halfway the distance from the ground after the attack flung him downward. Quickly he whipped around to eye his opponent. Vegeta was floating above him with a smirk on his face. In his left hand he clutched a sleeve of Goku's Capsule Corp jacket.

"Wha!" Goku began to pout. He glanced down and saw that his left sleeve had been ripped off without him even knowing!

"You sneaky little…" But he could only grin as adrenaline pumped through his veins. Vegeta's triumphal expression immediately fell as he tried to comprehend the new look on Goku's face. Aware that his opponent was distracted, Goku decided to take advantage.

"You want it off? Fine." He took the cuff of the remaining jacket sleeve between his teeth and pulled until it slid off the entire length of his arm. Slowly.

He looked up to see Vegeta's reaction. Hoping for anger, excitement, embarrassment, he instead got…

What the...

Vegeta was in a trance, mouth wide open and face blushing. Goku raised a brow. A second passed and the look cleared Vegeta's face, replaced with utter fury.

Goku knew he was in for it and didn't give a damn. He flung the jacket away from his body and watched it flap in the breeze during its decent to the ground. Vegeta powered up to Super Saiyan and was pummeling him before he knew it.

The two spent hours punching, dodging, and blasting. Goku sometimes had the upper hand before having it snatched away by a clever move by Vegeta, and just as easily the boards were turned to Goku's favor once more. Soon both were in the realm of Level 2, and the lust to hurt and inflict grew along with the slanting rays of a setting sun. At one instance Goku punched Vegeta hard enough to send blood spraying out of his mouth and nose, and he swore he saw Vegeta cackle, as if basking in the pleasure of pain. It was sadism in its purest form, he thought, a desire that coursed naturally through Saiyan blood. Goku easily accepted—no, enjoyed it—whenever he sparred free of purpose.

Their fighting seemed to reach no end. That was until—

gRRRP.

"Vegeta!" Goku cried out. Vegeta stopped in mid-punch, teeth bared.

"I'm starving!" Goku clutched his stomach. Another sound emitted from his bowels, this time resembling a dull roar.

Vegeta eyes widened in disbelief. "You just don't want me to beat you!"

"You know that isn't true." Goku batted large puppy-dog eyes. "I swear that after we eat, we can start back again at this very same moment. With your arm up like that and everything!"

"You are so pitiful, Kakarot," Vegeta said with a note of defeat. "Sometimes I'm ashamed I even make acquaintance with you." He powered down and began to float back to the damaged clearing below. Goku followed in suit, golden hair fading to black.

"I hope you know," Goku said while wagging a finger in Vegeta's face, "I'm going to tell Bulma what you did to my jacket. That wasn't nice at all!"

Vegeta grunted. "You can whine all you want. But I don't want to see you wearing that thing ever again. I happen to like that type of jacket, and I'm not about to stop wearing it just because you want to look like me." Vegeta brought his index finger up to his nose to rub beneath his nostrils. Blood dripped off his finger as he brought it away from his face to inspect it. "Bulma will bitch if she sees us like this, so let's clean up quick before meeting her."

He kicked off the ground and flew back into the direction of Capsule Corp. Goku began to sputter.

"Wait—!" Goku scrambled around the ground to grab the remains of his jacket before flying off behind Vegeta. Within a few minutes he was following the smaller Saiyan into an open window in the side of the looming Capsule Corp dome building.

"Where are we going?"

"To the washroom," Vegeta said shortly. Goku looked around and found himself in a half-bathroom: there was no shower stall. Only a lone pristine sink and toilet occupied the small space. The two bumbled a bit when they tried to get to the sink at the same time.

"Get out of the way, Kakarot!"

"Stop, I'm just trying to wash my face off!" Goku stuck out his tongue in annoyance before turning on the hot water faucet. He cupped his large hands beneath the stream, relishing the heat. Gently he splashed his face and wiped off layers of blood and dirt; he looked up in the sink mirror afterward to see that he was borderline acceptable. Vegeta did the same but decided to also peel off his gloves to wash his hands.

"Ugh," Goku said. "I wish I could take a shower."

Vegeta said nothing. Goku mumbled and hopped back onto the windowsill after getting bored watching the Prince cleanse himself. "Are you ready?"

The smaller Saiyan was drying his hands on a maroon towel hanging beside the sink. "Yes."

Goku flew out of the bathroom, zooming around the building until the front entrance was in his sight. The sun was barely kissing the horizon, and twilight was now gracing the building's front lawn with looming darkness. He felt Vegeta's ki not too far behind him. Within a few seconds they were both standing at the front entrance of Capsule Corp. Nervousness nipped away at Goku's esteem as he stood next to Vegeta. Waiting for the inevitable.

"GOKU!" The warm sound of Bulma screaming his name filled his ears before he saw her. From behind he felt a small body latch onto his waist. She had attacked him with a hug.

"Goku!" she repeated. Goku turned around to accept her hug fully, and saw that she was wearing a casual pair of blue jeans and a company t-shirt. Warmth filled his chest at the knowledge of having a friend show him affection. It had been so long since he'd seen anyone besides Bulma and Vegeta…

After withdrawing her face from his broad chest, she wrinkled her nose. "You're an absolute mess."

Goku threw a glance at Vegeta, who appeared apathetic.

Her eyes roamed his body. She was inspecting. "And what is that you're holding?"

Goku held up the torn jacket. Without even having to say anything, she shot Vegeta a glare.

"What!" he cried in defense.

"Don't worry, Goku. I'll get you another one." A pleasant smile came back to her face. Apparently nothing would falter her happiness tonight.

Goku still had a hand on her shoulder from their hug. He stared down at her with a hard expression on his face; now it was his turn to study. "I haven't seen your hair up like that since you were Goten's age." She laughed and flipped her ponytail in mock modesty. But Goku knew if he had said what he wanted to say—that he hadn't seen her like that since she was young-he wouldn't have a chance in hell of getting a free meal. When it came to food, his brain usually kicked into motion.

So he kept it simple. "You look very pretty!"

Bulma sighed. "I haven't seen you around here enough, Goku. I mean, yeah, when you come to visit Vegeta, but even then you just run off with him. What have you been up to?" Then silently, she added, "How have you been doing?"

Aware of where the conversation was going, Goku turned his head and smiled at Vegeta. "I think it would be better to eat first and talk later."

"That's the best idea I've heard all day," Vegeta said suddenly, his voice sounding course in comparison to the soft words exchanged between Goku and Bulma. "And with the fact that it came out of Kakarot's mouth, that's saying a lot." He spun on his heel and made his way through the main doors of the building, bored with watching the conversation. Bulma automatically linked her arm with Goku's and lead him inside.

He still wasn't used to the impressiveness of the building. Over the past few years it had undergone renovations, and the main entrance led to a large foyer containing several new lifts that zoomed off to different departments. But Bulma led Goku away to a smaller lounge room that lacked as much confusion. While the ceiling didn't tower above his head like the main entrance, it still raised a good fifteen to twenty feet above the floor. Plush carpet was now beneath his dirty shoes, and he felt guilty.

"Just rest here on the couch while I get things ready in the kitchen." Bulma nearly shoved Goku into the couch's plush cushions. But he grinned and stretched his limbs in response.

"No problem."

She left through a sliding metal door at the opposite side of the room. Goku continued to stretch and gaze around. He was sore in more places than he thought.

"Kami, this place is huge," he said. He let out a long whistle. Everything was neat and clean and color-coordinated. There was another couch opposite the one he sat on across the room, as well as several cushioned chairs and ottomans. He shook his head."I wouldn't blame Vegeta a second for wanting to stay here."

Immediately he clapped his hand over his mouth, looking around to see if anyone had heard. I have got to shut-up!

He knew about the current relationship Vegeta and Bulma had, but never brought it up directly in conversation. Of course Vegeta still loved Bulma—even if he had never admitted it—but Goku could tell that the two simply weren't as connected as before. They weren't as much of a couple compared to years ago, when Goku or anyone else watching closely enough could catch glimpses of one stealing a kiss from the other. Or when Vegeta would stroke her hand purposely away from the eyes of nosy friends, meaning to say everything he couldn't say, with a simple touch.

But they didn't do that anymore. They seemed more like…friends. Right?

Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

He pushed the though to the back of his mind. Guilt replaced it. Why would he want them not to be together anyway? Bulma was his best friend, and Vegeta ceasing to love her would break her heart. He was deeply confused as to why he even thought about the couple—so he decided to turn his attention toward the long glass table in front of the sofa. It was littered with picture frames he ignored when he had first sat down. Picture frames filled with…

"That's Gohan!" he gasped. In one frame was a picture of him and his eldest son. Gohan was dressed in a bright yellow top and still donned his furry tail. It seemed like the Gohan of yesteryear existed forever ago.

"I wonder when we took this," Goku said aloud, rubbing the side of the frame with a thumb. For a moment his heart ached. Quickly he tore his eyes away and began to scan the other picture frames.

"Ah. There's Piccolo. I know he didn't sit for that one. And there's Yamcha!" Goku chuckled to himself at the idea of Yamcha still having a presence in Bulma's life while Vegeta paraded about. He continued to scan the frames, until he froze upon one placed at the very corner of the table.

It was a duplicate of his wedding picture.

Goku's eyes widened at his younger self. Of course, he had always found himself to be youthful looking…But seeing this was unbelievable.

I look so tiny! I bet Vegeta got a couple of laughs out of this one. Damn!

His body seemed so less muscular yet virile. His expression in the photo was also painfully simple, as if he knew how dumb he looked and didn't care to hide it. His eyes were staring at the equally as youthful woman attached to his arm. He remembered how confused he was while looking at her, not even knowing what he was getting himself into, what love was. Chi-Chi had kissed and clung to him with as much hope an innocent young bride could have.

"But Chi-Chi is dead," Goku said abruptly.

"NO, I'M NOT."

All the color drained out of his face. His mouth drew open to scream, yell, cry, do anything, but he only sat frozen on the couch in utter terror.

The young Chi-Chi in his wedding photo turned and roared at him.

Oh my gods HOLY SHIT.

Finally he screamed. He jumped off the couch, the glass table flying toward the other side of the room away from his rising power. It crashed into the wall along with the dozens of photography frames.

"Goku?" Bulma came running into the lounge. A pair of giant green oven mitts covered both her hands. Behind her was a frowning Vegeta.

"Gho-gho-ghoo," was all Goku could make out. His bottom lip was quivering and his eyes were wide.

"You're white as a sheet, Goku!"

"SHE'S HERE!" he screamed, flying straight into the air. His teeth were chattering loud enough for Bulma and Vegeta to hear across the room. "I heard—I saw—!"

"Who are you talking about? No one else is here," Vegeta said.

"I have—I gotta go," Goku breathed heavily.

"But the food is ready!" Bulma said.

Goku stared at her. "I'm not hungry anymore."

At hearing himself say such a thing, he thought the world would maybe topple in on itself, or galaxies would randomly collide. Even Vegeta's mouth was hanging open. But it was true: Son Goku lost his appetite for the first time in his life. He sped for the door to make a quick exit.

"Kakarot!" Vegeta appeared beside Goku and managed to grasp onto his forearm before he could make a clean getaway. "What's wrong with you?"

Goku ripped his arm from his grasp."I just have to get out of here. I can come over another time, okay?" He was starting to hyperventilate. "I have food back at my place. I'll be okay!"

"But—Goku—"

"Just gotta get some fresh air." Sweat started to form on his upper lip as a cold chill rose to his nose and temples.

"Now you just hold on a second, Goku—"

"See ya," was the last thing he said before he pressed two fingers to his forehead and disappeared.