The Roast of Eragon Shadeslayer

Disclaimer: I have no ownership of the Inheritance series. Nor do I own the concept of a "roast", although despite Comedy Central being known for it I'm pretty sure it's public domain.

It is dusk. A hastily constructed stage has been set up in the city of Feinster, holding six small chairs along its edge and a seventh, resembling a throne, at its center. The entire Varden has gathered around this stage, as the young messenger Jarsha steps up to the podium at the opposite side as the chairs.

"Good evening, lords and ladies of the Varden," Jarsha says, and the enchantment on the podium causes his voice to boom throughout the city. "I welcome you to this special event designed to increase the morale of our people as we march against Galbatorix. It is my great honor to introduce the Varden's Roast of Eragon Shadeslayer!"

Booming applause rings out amongst the onlookers.

"Please welcome our roasters," Jarsha continues. "From the Varden, Lady Nasuada Nightstalker; the Lady Angela; Captain Roran Stronghammer; and Nar Garzhvog. From Farthen Dûr in the Beor Mountains, Grimstnzborith Orik; and from Du Weldenvarden, Arya Dröttningu."

As Jarsha announces each name, the honored guests step forward and take the six chairs opposite him, to thunderous applause.

"And now, please welcome our roastmaster, Surda's own King Orrin!"

Jarsha steps back from the podium and is replaced by King Orrin.

"Welcome!" Orrin proclaims. "We are here tonight to honor a hero, a warrior, an all-around friend to all free people. Please welcome Eragon Shadeslayer!"

From above, a white-blue burst of flame explodes from a cloud. Saphira drops from the sky and sets behind the stage, and Eragon steps onto the stage, waving to the riotous crowd and settling himself into the centered, wooden throne.

"Ah, Eragon," Orrin says graciously. "Wonderful to have you here. A fine name, that. Although, as I've recently been informed, it's pronounced ER-agon, not er-AG-on. I thought it rhymed with dragon, I mean it's spelled the same way… someone back me up on this. No? Hmm.

"As for Shadeslayer… I swear, I can never figure out the meaning of these titles that people get. I assume it means he drives a toboggan beneath shady trees, but… am I wrong again?" Orrin chuckles lightly. "But forgive me… I understand what he has accomplished. It must be immensely difficult to kill a Shade who… has his mind on other things."

Orrin has warmed up the crowd. On each punchline, the Varden laugh and applaud, as do the roasters and Eragon himself.

"I have some advice for our hero of Alagaësia," Orrin continues. "Heed it well! First of all, before embarking on your next big journey, think, would you? For like two seconds? At least consider your next move. Secondly, won't you please, please, stop making promises, all the time, to everyone? You might not think so, but that's going to lay waste to the entire world. And my final piece of advice… can't you just be blond? Epic heroes are supposed to be blond."

As Eragon laughs appreciatively, Orrin thoughtfully puffs on his pipe, blowing the smoke out of his ear for the audience's enjoyment.

"But in all seriousness," Orrin says. "We can be sure that Eragon Shadeslayer's name and deeds shall be retold by the bards for centuries to come. Let us pray, then, that the bards never get wind of those deeds that illustrate just how stupid the man actually is! Of course, for that to happen, it would mean that no one present here ever spoke to a bard… and that's not going to happen. Eragon Shadeslayer—destined to live on as an idiot!

"And now… by my authority as the King of Surda, I declare that this roast has begun!"

Up next: Roran Stronghammer