I just watched 9.4 and was completely taken with the conversation between Ruth & the Chinese scientist at the end of the episode. The result is that this little bit of melodrama just kind of wrote itself. Seems we all need a bit of catharsis, don't we? Anyway, I don't own Spooks...it all belongs happily to Kudos. Hope you enjoy.
Days like this used to faze her…used to make her feel like poor, naïve Beth. But now…now she had become something else entirely, something that she barely recognized, and was fairly certain that she didn't like. Who was that person who bleakly broke days down into "those where you come home in one piece" and those where you don't? Who was it that snapped at a well-meaning expression of concern from a colleague, albeit one with whom she had traveled such a complex path? Who would like that person? And more importantly, how could that person like herself? It was seeming more and more like those considerations were unimportant to this new, and somehow lesser, version of herself.
But then, she said it…that lovely, wise woman with whom she had inexplicably shared a deep connection, said it. And somehow, everything fell into place with an almost audible click. She was sure if she had been listening just a little bit harder, she could have heard it; could have heard the scales falling off of her eyes and shattering into a million beautiful pieces. If she had been looking closer, she was sure that she could have suddenly seen the blurry outline of herself sliding into sharp and welcome relief.
"If you are valuable enough to someone, you can never be free."
Ruth drew in a shaky breath and held it, counting silently to 10 and imploring any errant gods or goddesses out there who had the time, to come to her aid. Courage…just have courage. Her world that had been turning almost imperceptibly to grey, now exploded in myriad colors. Certain knowledge of one's own lack of freedom was somehow, ironically, freeing. No matter how hard she tried, she would never be free of the one person who knew her best, understood her best and loved her best. The weight had been lifted off her shoulders, and then placed gently at her feet. Not to be discarded, but to be shared.
Ruth's hand shook, both from the terror and the cold. Her fingers stretched towards the doorbell for the 100th time and then fell away. She didn't know how long she'd been standing there in the dark but she was sure that if his neighbors were even the slightest bit observant, they would've believed that she was either insane or an intruder. Likely she was a little bit of both. Courage, Ruth, courage. She reached one last time towards the doorbell, knowing that it had to be now.
And then suddenly, the door swung open, light and warmth bathing her face in equal measure. Questioning eyes softened into ones filled with love and simple acceptance.
Valuable enough, indeed.
