Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.
A/N: I am warning you: Do not waste three minutes of your life. You WILL regret reading this. It is a parody of fanfiction and badfics and just terrible. But I published it anyway.
XXX
Spencer Reid stood at his desk, a syringe in his hand. "What are you doing?" his unit chief asked, entering the room.
The younger man looked up guiltily. "Nothing! I was just going over some files." The genius quickly skirted past Jack's suspicious father but was stopped.
"I need you to go interview a suspect."
The drug-addicted profiler sighed in relief. "Alright," he agreed, leaving to go interview a suspect while simultaneously finding a place to inject himself with the drug.
Meanwhile, in the conference room, the other profilers were going over the case.
"Now," David Rossi said. "I think we can definitely say that Mark James is a suspect."
The media liason nodded. "Yes. Oh! Wait, I just got an update. The other three suspects all have rock-hard alibis."
The unit chief groaned at the mention of 'rock-hard', his mind immediately thinking of the brunette profiler.
Everyone drank coffee for a few minutes, contemplating life in general, while the unit chief contemplated Emily.
Suddenly, Derek Morgan gasped. "Oh! Reid! Reid is interviewing Mark James! Damn it! What the fuck is wrong with this world? I hate everything about my life!"
The blonde furrowed her eyebrows. "Isn't this suspiciously like what happened to Spence with Tobias Hankel?"
"Shut up!" Suddenly, Jason Gideon reappeared, having been alerted to Reid's task of going to interview an unsub. "How can you think of repetitiveness at a time like this? Reid is interviewing an unsub!"
"Oh, no," the younger woman sobbed. "Poor Spence!"
"It's all my fault!" the unit chief cried, a single tear trickling down his cheek. "I sent him out."
"It's not your fault; it's mine!" the man who called Garcia 'baby-girl' said firmly. "Let's go. We don't have much time."
A/N: This is an Author's Note. Just to say hi. So...hi!
A short way away, Reid was interviewing Mark James. "Hello," the profiler said professionally.
"Hello," the unsub sneered. "Would you like to come into my home? I would prefer to conduct the interview indoors, you see."
The highly intelligent man thought back to the case files, and everything they knew: the unsub lured his victims into his house and then proceeded to repeatedly rape and torture them. "Okay," he agreed. "I'll come into your house."
The unsub raped and tortured the profiler. Meanwhile, the other FBI agents were speeding up to the house.
"FBI, open the door!" The agent who always kicked down doors kicked down the door.
The brunette woman went in, gun held aloft.
They found the man with an IQ of 187 lying broken on the floor, and arrested Mark Jacobs.
At the hospital, they all looked at each other guiltily. "How could we have let this happen?" The most experienced profiler who had written many books wailed.
The media liason wiped at her red eyes, her fingers trembling almost as much as the dark-haired female profiler's. "It's all our fault. We were supposed to protect Spence; Spence counted on us. Spence, oh Spence!" She sobbed broken-heartedly.
Derek Morgan stood up and punched several holes in the hospital wall.
While all this was going on, the unit chief noticed a small bruise on Emily's neck. "Prentiss, what is that?"
"Nothing," the younger woman answered. Jack's father immediately felt a surge of lust for this woman.
The man who lost his wife to the Reaper pushed the Ambassador's daughter into the toilet where they made passionate love to each other. After they fucked each other six times, they exited, completely in love with each other.
Suddenly, a phone call interrupted the silence.
"Who is it?" David Rossi picked up.
"This is Erin Strauss."
The profiler stood up angrily. "What do you want?"
"We are waiting here with Spence and you call us while Spence is in surgery?" The blonde gasped out, through her hyperventilating.
The black man stopped his tears for a second to yell at her. "We are a family! Nobody messes with our family! Leave us in peace!"
The director shook her head over the phone. "Get back to work! Now! All of you! I don't care what's happened!"
"WE ARE A FAMILY!" All of the profilers exploded, sobbing hysterically. "One of us is in pain and you want us to work?"
"You're all fired," the cruel woman said simply.
"What the hell!" Derek Morgan shouted, throwing a chair across the waiting room. "How the fuck are we supposed to do our fucking work while our family is in surgery? What the fuck does she want us to do?"
"I know what I want to do," Hotch said, licking his lips as Prentiss folded her legs over the chair.
XXX
A/N: Lol okay this is completely weird and basically I decided to write this after I read the fiftieth fic with either:
-Everyone called 'The younger man' or 'The older profiler'
-Reid being incredibly stupid
-JJ always calling Reid 'Spence', with sentences constructed purely so the author can slip that in
-Profilers breaking down into piles of trembling, sobbing tears in seconds
-Author's note in the middle of the chapter (Thanks, kdzl!)
-The 'We are family' line
-Strauss being unbelievably inhuman
-Whatever pairing it is, the two people look at each other and suddenly they're overcome with lust, and have sex twelve times in like three hours
-Morgan going all emo and depressive
-Morgan punching or breaking stuff
-No Garcia!
-Gideon's sudden and inexplicable reappearance
-And, of course, Reid being raped and/or tortured and/or kidnapped
I am guilty of about four of them. =) Ha I don't even know why I wrote this but I figured I might as well publish it. I'll probably delete it later. Do you regret wasting three minutes of your life? You will never get it back!
