"What's that?" Remus asked as they sat in the Great Hall, halfway through dinner.
"You're secret identity." Sirius said simply, his tongue sticking out of the side of his mouth as he concentrated on drawing something.
Remus felt a momentary chill of worry. "What?" His secret identity? But the next thing he knew, a brown paper bag was being plopped onto his head.
"There." Sirius said proudly, admiring the mask he had drawn.
Remus took it off his head to examine it. "...What the bloody hell is this?"
Sirius sighed, "Don't you listen? You're the Paper Bag of Doom!" he said, using an ominous and dramatic voice. "The Rogue Dog's sidekick. Every super hero needs a sidekick." he told him as if it were obvious, snatching the paper bag from him and plopping it back down on his head.
James nearly spat out his steak and kidney pie. "Why aren't I your sidekick?"
"You're my arch nemesis, remember?"
"Oh, right. What's my name then?"
Sirius thought hard a moment. "The Sinister Stag."
"Wait a minute," Remus said, wrenching the bag off his head again. "Why does Prongs get a cool name like that and I'm a ruddy old bag?"
"Sidekicks don't complain, Moony." Sirius said. "Besides, you aren't a ruddy old bag. You're the Paper Bag of /Dooooom/!" And with that, the bag was back on Remus' head.
"What about me?" Peter asked eagerly.
"You're the damsel in distress, of course."
Before Peter could even answer, James had a hold on him, holding a baguette to his throat as if it were a knife. "Hah! I'd like to see you rescue her."
"Him!" Peter said, but James tightened his grip.
Sirius jumped up onto his seat. "Quick! Paper Bag of Doom! Use your paper cutting fury to release the poor girl!"
"Boy!' Peter tried again.
Remus stayed exactly where he was, "No eyeholes." he reminded him.
"No matter!" Sirius said heroically, grabbing the leftovers of James' steak and kidney pie.
James gasped, "You wouldn't."
"Oh," Sirius said with a wicked grin. "I would."
And with a simple throw, James was soon wearing his leftovers on top of his head.
"This means war!" James yelled, throwing his baguette, but Sirius ducked and it hit a boy at the table behind them.
Remus lifted the bag from his eyes to see better, wondering just what was going on. But the boy hit with the baguette had returned fire, and Remus soon found himself blind again.
There was an uproar... and soon food was being thrown from all four tables. Peter fled under the table and Remus was suddenly glad he had a paper bag on his head.
"What is this nonsense?" came familiar stern voice, loud and clear. The whole Hall froze.
Minerva McGonagall strolled down the length of the Gryffindor Table, staring at the four of them, her nostrils flared.
"Professor," Sirius said with a pleasant smile, a piece of buttered bread stuck to his hair and some sort of sauce dripping from his right cheek. "How nice of you to join us."
Sirius looked over to Remus and James, as if begging for help.
"Rogue Dog... meet your real arch nemesis." Remus muttered.
