Chapter 1
We had returned home from yet another cross-nation trip. Something about home always warmed me, no matter how thick the snow was outside. The deep mahogany of the walls and the furnishings made it feel almost like being inside a log cabin. The ceiling was tall, and held up with sporadic wooden pillars that you would have to weave around to navigate the open-plan first floor. The flickers of the fire cast them into orange and shadows, and the colours danced around the rest of the room in juxtaposition to the quiet and calm atmosphere. It was always quiet. Always calm. There was a TV, and a radio, but they'd been covered by thick blankets for so long that I couldn't even remember where they were. My TV was the vast landscape of Yellowstone, and my radio was the chirping of the birds.
But now, the landscape was grey with cloud, and the birds were retiring for the Winter. If it weren't for the few who would occasionally visit, Ronnie and I would sit in almost pure silence.
It was all such a contrast to the busy work life I led. If I wasn't in Yellowstone, I was in some big city, in front of news conferences or in stuffy, drawn-out meetings with people I barely knew past a tentative name. From California to Maine I was dragged, bouncing from either side like a bearing in a pinball machine. There were pits and holes, achievements and failures, but only occasionally would I escape past the player's merciless pads to the sanctuary of home. Only for another quarter to be inserted into the machine barely a moment later.
And yet, the busy life I led was a comfort. A guilty comfort. It was a Scandinavian prison sentence. I was an Animorph, and yet I was not with them. At this point, I guess you could call me an ex-Animorph. Ax was still missing, and the others were on a long, maze-like mission to find him. And I had to stay here, in relative comfort. If they died, it would be only me left.
So what role did I fulfil now? If I was no longer one of them, what was my use? I couldn't save Ax. My role with the Hork-Bajir was diminishing as Toby grew into the position. Helping the Andalites now felt hollow and undeserved. It felt like I was slipping into some kind of limbo, of no use to anybody but still with a reputation to uphold.
There were small things, I guess. I spent what little free time I had caring for the local wildlife. Just like I always had. It brought me joy, and there was no greater feeling than seeing a sickly creature springing back into the wilderness with a bright future ahead once more.
My friends, too. They kept me a little bit sane. Sometimes.
"So I told him, like, oh my god, really?! You're dumping her because of the way she styles her hair?! And he was, like, no way! I'm dumping her because she's so damn possessive!"
Clarissa. What a mystery. Leaning forward on one of the sofas that lay parallel in front of the grand fireplace, her jewellery jangling on her wrists, hooped earrings swaying back and forth like baubles on a tremoring Christmas tree. She wore the latest brand-name clothing, and just the right amount of makeup to make her stand out in any crowd. I was sitting beside her, trying so hard not to choke on the perfume that radiated from her so thick that I swore I could see it rising as a cloud.
Despite the eccentricity of her appearance, though, she was nothing less than a reliable, capable friend. I just wished she'd stop talking for once…
Toby was almost her direct contrast. She was on the adjacent sofa, her left side shrouded in orange and her right in shadow. An average sized Hork-Bajir, she was seven-feet of scales and razor blades. And no matter how much Clarissa insisted, jewellery and makeup was not among her priorities. In the midst of another one of Clarissa's epic tales, she looked just about ready to end it all.
Clarissa was Toby's new supervisor. She would escort Toby whenever she left Yellowstone, and though on the surface they were polar opposites, they were satisfied with each other's' company. Opposites attract, I suppose. They valued each other's skills far more than they disapproved of their flaws.
I always found it funny when Toby tolerated her ramblings enough to allow their continuation; no matter how drained and lost she looked when she did. "What happened next?" She asked dryly.
"He dumped her!" Clarissa said. "And I had to deal with the tears, you know? She kept saying oh my god, oh my god, I can't believe he dumped me, and I was like, come on Anna, just forget about him and move on!"
Toby had no other questions on the matter. He slit-pupil eyes looked to me, practically begging me to change the subject.
Thankfully, Ronnie arrived at just the right time. He strolled in from the kitchen, wearing his favourite red-checkered shirt and scruffy jeans. His smile greeted me, specifically. He was warmer than the fire, brighter than its glow.
I had known him for years. We met when I first moved to Yellowstone. We were both working on a project to open up a new Hork-Bajir education shelter near the border of their home. When the local Hork-Bajir became curious, he started an impromptu tuition on how to keep warm on stormy nights. The way he talked to them, and the way he interacted with them… I fell for him immediately. We moved into this new home together a couple years back, and together we work to give the Hork-Bajir the peace and safety that they deserve.
"Hey," He said to the three of us in greeting. "How was DC this time?"
"It was great!" Clarissa chirped. "I got a new sweater and this gorgeous pair of boots. And I swear to God I saw Bill Clinton. He looked so old, didn't he Cassie?"
"I think that was just an old man." I replied, rolling my eyes.
"No way! It was definitely Bill!"
I chuckled. "So where was Hillary?"
"I don't know! Probably still angry about the whole impeachment thing."
Ronnie was finding it rather amusing. "Okay, so you got a sweater and some boots and saw Bill Clinton. Anything else?"
Clarissa shrugged and collapsed back into the sofa. "Nothing, really."
"Seriously?" He chuckled. "You were out there for four days."
"Most boring four days of my life!" Clarissa groaned.
"Didn't you say that about Seattle?" Ronnie asked.
"We've got a new record-setter." Clarissa smiled.
Ronnie sat beside me, and placed his arm behind my shoulders. I gladly shuffled in closer, feeling his warmth grace my side. He said, "Bet you wish you could go back to Tokyo, huh?"
"I know!" Clarissa blurted excitedly. "Oh my god, they're so weird, but I loved it! They kept calling you Godzilla!" She said to Toby.
"That joke got old very quickly." She uttered.
Clarissa laughed, "Your faces didn't. I ought to get those pictures framed."
"Oh, please don't…" Toby said, shaking her head.
"I'll take one. Or ten." Ronnie joined in. I gave him a playful jab in the side.
"Well," Clarissa continued after another bout of loud giggling. "We're going to New York next. Grumpy has a gathering to go to. Full of rich and famous people, you know?"
"When's that?" Ronnie asked.
"Couple weeks from now," Clarissa said. "But Toby's got some lectures to do before that. Got to take her to a few universities. I don't get paid enough."
"I pay you with my company." Toby insisted with the slightest upturn of her lips.
"Anything to see you smile." Clarissa said cutely. "You remember New York, right? Remember the Bark Surprise?"
Toby huffed. "How could I forget? Oak bark with a smattering of leaves…"
"Fake leaves." Clarissa noted.
"Yes… I found that out very quickly."
I smiled reassuringly to Toby. "Someday, we'll find a good menu for you."
She nodded. "I'm not too irritated. I can imagine bark is not a common delicacy in the US."
"I don't know how you can eat the stuff," Clarissa said, sticking out her tongue. "What if it gets stuck in your teeth?"
"I get you to pull it out." Toby stated factually.
"You do it on purpose, don't you?"
Toby grinned, bearing those white teeth (that Clarissa had ensured would be white). "Perhaps."
There was a beeping from the kitchen area. Looking past a wooden pillar, I saw the progress of Ronnie's cooking. He loved to make food. He unravelled from me and got up to tend to it. "Hope you're all hungry. I'm cooking vegetable lasagne."
"He's so sweet!" Clarissa squeaked to me. "Zak can't cook for shit. Guy couldn't even figure out a toaster."
Zak was Clarissa's boyfriend. Sorry… "Boyfriend".
I never knew what to believe with her. Truth was indistinguishable from lie. I wasn't sure if I even believed the Anna story. I just played along. What else could I do?
"Dinner will be ready in five!" Ronnie called as he attended to the some steaming vegetables.
Clarissa reached down towards the fire and picked up a piece of kindling. She threw it over and into Toby's lap. "There's yours."
"Very funny." Toby grumbled light-heartedly.
The ringing of my home phone followed the exchange. I insisted on answering, but Clarissa was closer and took the incentive. She lifted the phone to her ear, and in a receptionist voice, said, "Hello! This is Cassie and Ronnie's home, Clarissa speaking!"
Toby and I exchanged amused glances.
Toby had no idea, yet. Which was good. Clarissa had given off no clues so far, but part of me knew that Toby would suspect something soon. She was one of the most insightful people I knew.
I hated that we had to keep the truth from her. She would never lie to me. She wouldn't lie to anybody. But I knew that even if she found out, she would hold nothing against me, or any of them. She'd find a way to take on the information and run with it, and I'd be left to be silently guilty. After all these years, she still saw us as her saviours; the Gods that showed mercy upon her people and granted them their freedom when nobody else would.
Oftentimes, she would remind me. Usually out of nowhere, out of context. It was always hard to pinpoint her emotional state because of her stone-cold demeanour, but such displays would overpower her hard casing. From nowhere, she would offer me thanks. It was very rare, but always noticeable when it happened. I got the feeling that whenever she felt her worst, she would seek any positive she could, and the realisation that things could be so much worse would bring from her such emotional waterfalls.
There was a little pleasure I could steal from those moments. They were reminders of what good I had done. I had to seek the positives, too.
"Oh, hi!" Clarissa called into the phone. She gave me a curious sideways glance that gave me a good indication that it was no ordinary call. "Uh huh. Yeah."
I turned my head to Ronnie. He was still busy with the food. I hoped this would be nothing bad.
"Okay," Clarissa said. "Talk soon. Bye!"
Toby and I looked to her. Her cheery smile had dropped away entirely. I felt the tingling of dread.
"Who was it?" I asked.
She whispered, "Ely."
I took a deep breath and prepared for whatever was to come. "Is everything okay?"
"It's Sten." Clarissa replied.
I closed my eyes and sighed. I knew Sten. I also knew of his issues. I could picture quite clearly what had happened without her even needing to explain. We would have to leave. Vegetable lasagne would have to wait.
Ronnie began laying the dinner table that was halfway between the kitchen and lounge spaces, none the wiser. The three of us got up from the sofas, ready to leave. I would be the one to break it to him. I stepped over sheepishly and leaned against the table beside him as he placed down the cutlery around plain white plates. He caught on immediately and stopped.
His saddened brown eyes looked into mine. "Who was on the phone?"
I looked away from him, down at the mahogany table. "It was… It was Hayley. We're needed at HQ."
"All of you?"
I nodded. "I'm sorry, Ronnie. Truly, I am."
Now he turned away, and rubbed slowly at his face. He caught a glimpse of Clarissa an Toby as they made their apologetic exits through the front door and out into the blustery Yellowstone air.
"Cassie, I'm…" He started once the door had closed. He said nothing more, only dropping the rest of the cutlery indiscriminately on the table.
"I'm sorry." I repeated. I felt pathetic. I felt like a liar. It was like, through no fault of his own, he was being punished.
"No, no," He said. "I get it. I get it. You have… things. Priorities."
"You're one of my priorities," I insisted. "This is just one of those things I have to take care of urgently."
He placed both hands on the table and dipped his head. He didn't know how to put what he wanted to say into the best words. "Sometimes I just want to know… I want to know what's going on. You know that I trust you, but… I think there's stuff going on that I'm not allowed to know. I know that the rest of the Animorphs are out there. I know deep down that it's something to do with them, Cassie. Am I right?"
"Yes," I admitted. "You are."
He pursed his lips and took a moment. "You… Y-you're not going to get arrested, right? You're not working with… I mean, you're not helping them, are you?"
"It's not about them, Ronnie."
"Are they here? Are they in Yellowstone?"
"…Yes."
"Ah, geez," He sighed, coming away from the table and putting his hands behind his head in frustration. "Right on our doorstep? Cassie, they're wanted as criminals."
"We need to find Ax," I said, plucking the truthful excuse. "That's why I'm helping them."
"I don't want you to get hurt," He groaned. "I love you, Cass, and I don't want you to get hurt or arrested. I also want you to stop hiding these things from me."
Again, I repeated pathetically, "I'm sorry…"
He dropped his arms limply to his sides. "Just promise me that nothing bad is going to happen. I thought you were past all this."
"I was. And I promise," I answered weakly. "As soon as we find Ax, it's over. I can't just do nothing while he's lost somewhere."
Ronnie seemed to accept that. He nodded slowly. "You never told me where you went. When you went missing for days."
"I was with them." I admitted, without spilling the full truth.
"When the Kelbrid War started? Were you there?"
I froze momentarily again. "Yes…"
"You could have been killed." He spoke with unnerving quietness.
"I should have told you," I said. "I know that I should trust you more."
"Then trust me." He said quickly, looking me in the eyes again. "I'd rather know. I get scared when I don't know."
"Okay. I will."
"Where are you going now?" He pressed, having been granted my full trust.
"We're going to their house. Sten is there. He's acting up."
He searched his memory. "Sten? Sten Arhif? What's he doing there?"
"He's acting as sentry. We're making sure nobody stumbles across them."
I could see his disapproval in his shift of stance. We both knew Sten and his condition, but without full context, Ronnie would find it more difficult to understand why we'd expose him to the risk. "Why Sten? He's not well. He's not well at all!"
"He's fine," I assured. "He's fine. He's happy to do the job."
"It doesn't sound like it. The guy needs help. We need to help him."
"And we will."
He nodded again. He knew there was little point in continuing. "Want me to save you some lasagne?"
"Yes," I said. "I'll be as quick as I can."
With shared a reassuring kiss, and I grabbed my coat from the hangar. I didn't look back as I left through the front door. I was too ashamed. I hated leaving him on his own, to eat his share of the dinner he'd made without anybody's company. I pictured it in my head, and it broke my heart.
This was the first time he'd said anything. He'd stuck by my side for so long, and put up with all my crap far more than anybody else would have. And all I did was hurt him. Again and again.
