Chapter One

A cold, brisk wind lifted the loose gold and red scarf of a dark haired boy, standing at the edge of a frozen over lake. His stony grey eyes scanned the expanse of snow laid out before him, untouched and perfect except for the small animal tracks that criss-crossed it every now and then. His face mirrored the eerily blank expression in his eyes as he looked down at his ungloved hands.

One hand was filled with pebbles and small rocks that seemed to be balancing, on the verge of falling from his grasp. He lazily picked out a rock and looked at it. He shifted his hold on it before pulling back his arm and in one swift easy motion he launched it through the air. It arched beautifully slicing though the icy wind before coming back down to the ground, silently disappearing into the powdery snow.

He looked down again at his hands to find another to sling out into the center of the hidden surface of the frozen lake. As he did so he sighed, his breath coming out as a puff of smoke.

"Padfoot?"

The boy turned to his right to look at the person who addressed him. The person was a boy that was dressed warmly in a thick black uniform just like the one the grey eyed boy wore. Both had their school emblem on their chest and the same scarf that was the only color to be found on their clothing apart from the emblem. The boy had messy black hair that was waving around in the chilly wind and a pair of glasses that hid a pair of dazzling hazel eyes. His face was flushed with the cold and he squinted his eyes against the wind as it picked up again.

"Padfoot we're getting cold, we're going to head up."

The grey eyed boy looked behind the messy haired boy at two other boys that were huddling themselves against the winter draft. Remus, a light brown haired boy with bright, honey colored eyes that defied his shabby, tired appearance, watched the two of them with a concerned look. Next to him was Peter, glancing anxiously between the two boys and the castle. His short stout frame shivering as he waited to get out of the cold wind that was blowing his thin, seemingly colorless blonde hair every which way.

"Okay, I'll meet you up there." He replied, picking out another rock and flinging it out into the air.

"Sirius, it's too cold out, you should come in."

"James, I'm fine." Sirius replied with a warning edge in his tone.

"Okay." James said getting the message. "Don't be too long okay mate?"

Sirius just grunted in response and continued tossing the assortment of stones across the vast snow covered lake as his friends trudged up to the castle.

As it got later, the sky grew darker and the cold seemed to sting against his face with more strength and cruelty. James was right, it was cold; Sirius could barely feel his numb red hands as he clumsily fumbled at more pebbles with stiff fingers that refused to obey him.

Finally his frustration got the better of him and he took it out on the rocks, angrily throwing them all as hard as he could away from him. Which it turned out wasn't very far because of the awkward grip he had on them. They scattered, soaring for a short time landing in the snow with a swooshing noise, creating an illogical pattern in the powder.

Sirius put his hands up to his mouth and breathed heavily on them for heat. Once he was able to feel them a bit he stuck his hands under his arms. He jumped softly from foot to foot to get blood flow in his legs again. As he did so the snow around his feet was packed down, at first left with the imprint of his foot, then just a solid tightly packed area of snow.

Suddenly Sirius' feet slipped out from under him and he landed hard on his back. What happened didn't really register at first and then he felt a pain spread through his ribs and he realized he was winded and his lungs were empty. He made a gasp for air, feeling relief as it filled his lungs but at the same time cold and wet as the snow soaked through his clothes. He felt snow melting on his neck and face, sending a shiver down his spine that went right to his icy numb toes.

For some reason he couldn't be bothered to move, his vision was surrounded by the two foot tall wall of snow he fell into. It was quiet. No birds. No crickets. Just the sound of his own breathing as his chest rose and fell, emitting small puffs of fog. The lump of snow he'd packed down with his feet was now jutting out into his back not only making him cold but uncomfortable.

The sound of crunching snow broke up his little winter world and he looked up to see who was bothering him now. He got ready to say some snappy sentence, thinking that James had come back, but instead received an unexpected surprise when his eyes met with the sight of Professor McGonagall.

"Mr. Black! What are you doing?" McGonagall asked in a voice as icy as the lake. Her black hair was pulled back into a tight bun, leaving no sort of warmth for her ears and face which were now turning pink. Judging from her lack of winter clothing, she had come outside to reprimand Sirius without thinking of the cold.

Sirius tilted his head back further to get a better look at her, but that just caused more snow to fall into his collar. He tried to suppress the shiver that ran through his body as the snow melted down his back. He lay flat again, disappearing into his little snow trench feeling the packed in snow push into his back once more.

"I'm having a picnic." Sirius replied to his professor, whose lips had drawn themselves into a very thin line which was a clear indication to Sirius that she was not at all amused.

"Mr. Black you had better get yourself back up to the castle. Immediately." McGonagall said in a hard quiet voice that almost dared him to challenge her.

Normally Sirius might have come up with a charming smart-ass reply, but he didn't feel like pretending to be cheerful nor did he feel like dealing with the argument that would follow if he were to disobey her.

So with more snow falling down his collar he lifted himself out of his icy coffin and started to dust himself off.

McGonagall watched him carefully, noticing his lack of disagreement and gloves. His hands were a startling shade of red and his lips were the slightest shade of blue. She noticed the shivers that he could not completely suppress and the clothing that was so drenched from the snow that it hung heavy on his shoulders. But most of all she notices the sadness that was hidden beneath the anger in his eyes.

When he finished with his unnecessary clean up, he looked at her expectantly with his half frozen hair in his eyes.

"After you, Mr. Black." She said indicating that she would walk behind him to the castle.

Sirius complied and trudged silently up to the castle, dragging his feet through the deep snow, successfully soaking his shoes and whatever dry patch his pants still had up to his thighs. He couldn't feel his feet and occasionally stumbled on the uneven ground as a result. He knew he shouldn't have stayed out so long in this kind of weather especially when he was so underdressed for it, but he didn't care. He didn't really care about anything at the moment. All he wanted was to be left alone.

He turned and looked back at his hole by the lake, but frowned slightly when he couldn't see it. He scowled softly as he realized how McGonagall had discovered his hiding place; by someone who already knew he was there.

"Come Mr. Black, I think you should go to Madame Pomfrey." McGonagall said as they walked through the great oak doors entering the significantly warmer and more welcoming entrance hall. She pulled out her wand and began drying herself off and gestured to Sirius to do the same.

Sirius shook his head, "I'll be fine. See you later Professor." He said monotonously and started dragging his awkward stiff legs towards the marble staircase.

"Mr. Black, that wasn't a suggestion." McGonagall said, pausing in her efforts at drying herself and looking up at him with a stern look in her eye.

"But I'm fine." Sirius lied as he restrained another shiver that was fighting to break loose.

McGonagall looked Sirius up and down. She couldn't help but thinking that he almost looked pathetic. He looked very similar to a lost puppy. His shoulders were slumped in defeat, his bedraggled hair hanging in his face, his clothing almost pulling him down with its weight, and more than before she noticed a sad pleading look in his eyes.

She sighed before saying in an unyielding voice, "Mr. Black, you've been out in the cold for several hours. You're drenched to the bone and shivering. Go to the hospital wing. Now."

Sirius heaved a sigh and nodded, his head hanging a little lower than usual, but not noticeably so. He didn't feel like seeing any one, or being anywhere that there were people. Especially in the hospital wing with that overwhelming smell of healing pastes and pepper-up potion that seemed to suffocate anyone who went there in the winter time, no, he couldn't go there.

"I'll be coming up in a little while to see how everything is." McGonagall said returning to drying herself off but still watching him. Sirius caught her meaning, if he didn't go, she would know.

Sirius nodded and preceded up the marble staircase as he had been doing, but once he was half way down the hall instead of continuing down the corridor to the hospital wing, he turned right and went up a small flight of stone stairs that was hidden behind a tapestry. He didn't want to go to the hospital wing; Madame Pomfrey would fuss over him and make him take large quantities of Pepper-up potion, the smell of it gave him a head ache.

He made his way up to the Gryffindor tower to have a long hot shower and change of clothes. He was so deep in though he didn't see the dark stone walls going by him. The walk to the tower was no longer a thought process, it was habit, and he didn't have to think to find his way.

"Well?" demanded a slightly offended lady in pink.

Sirius blinked. He was standing in front of the fat Lady portrait that guarded the tower. He opened his mouth and faltered, he'd forgotten the password. It'd been changed since he gotten back from the Christmas break and he'd been in such a daze the last few days that it had slipped his mind. Instinctively he reached for his back pocket for his two way mirror to ask James, then faltered again. He didn't want to talk to him. He didn't want to talk to anyone. Asking for the password would make an opening for questions that he didn't want to answer. Answers he didn't want to give because they were too difficult to think about.

"I forgot." Sirius said dumbly, his hands dropping to his side.

"Well take your time; I'll be here all day." The Pink Lady said in a slightly sarcastic voice.

"Can't you just let me in?" Sirius asked in an exasperated tone, running a hand through his damp hair, causing water to run down his neck and soak into his cloak.

"Not without a password." She replied in a somewhat childish manner.

Sirius was about to lose his infamously short temper when he heard approaching footsteps echoing off the stone floor and froze. His heart sank thinking it was McGonagall and now he'd have to go to the hospital wing, and this time probably being dragged there by the ear. He thought of making a mad dash down the corridor but instead wearily turned to face his unavoidable doom. But the sight that greeted him was a pleasant surprise considering the circumstances. Lily Evans.

She hated him, he thought she was a thoroughly annoying goody-two-shoes, so he could just get the password and they'd be able to go their separate ways. It all worked out.

"Black, what are you doing?" Lily asked looking at his rather threatening stance. Sirius looked at the accusing finger he was pointing towards the fat lady, his face holding a slightly bewildered expression as if the hand had raised itself all on its own.

Lily tucked her long dark red hair behind her ear, surveying him with her almond shaped green eyes. She seemed perfectly happy to stand around giving him skeptical looks until he answered her question. She shifted her weight from one leg to the other and adjusted the books she was carrying to be in a more comfortable position, then settled her calm but suspicious eyes on Sirius.

"I forgot the password." Sirius said dully and then gestured towards the portrait that guarded the entrance, "Would you mind?"

Lily rolled her eyes and moved to stand before the portrait declaring "Asphodel." causing the portrait to swing forward revealing the Gryffindor common room. Sirius saved that to memory and went through the porthole after Lily, who as predicted, went off in the direction of the fireplace without a backwards glance at him.

Out of habit Sirius looked towards a slightly shadowed corner on the other side of the room. It was furnished with four squishy armchairs that had at one point in time been spread more around the fireplace and the rest of the common room, but as of the previous six years they had been reestablished under a window in that corner. The window above the armchairs was half blocked out with snow and frost so any trace of light that could be found in the dark night sky would be shut out.

Three of the four armchairs were occupied with lazy boys that were strewn over them. One of them was Remus; he was leaning back in the chair with his feet stretched out in front of him while sipping a mug of hot chocolate. Next to him was Peter, who was on the edge of his seat with his small watery blue eyes fastened on James who was recounting one of the more adventurous situations he and Sirius had gotten themselves into over the holiday break.

As he stood watching them he took an unintentional step forward and faltered suddenly when he realized what he was doing. He turned towards the dorms and started walking. He cast one last look over his friends and his own empty armchair, then he realized Remus was watching him. He caught Sirius' gaze and tilted his head slightly to the side in question and Sirius responded with a small shake of the head. Remus nodded and turned back to James and Peter while watching Sirius go up the dorm stairs out of the corner of his eye.

Once Sirius was in his dorm he went straight to the bathroom and flung off his soaked clothing and got into a steaming hot shower. At first the water felt like it was burning his skin and he could barely stand directly beneath the water, he had to stand to the side and only put his feet in. His skin was turning bright red as the blood started to flow through his veins again, causing him to feel like he was burning from the inside out. His wet hair was dripped cold water onto his back until he finally his stuck his head under the water, washing away the last of the cold afternoon.

He stood in the shower a while, not thinking about anything in particular, just trying to relax. He gave up about twenty minutes later when his skin and his fingers were all wrinkled from being in the water too long. Sirius went through the slow methodical movements of turning off the shower and drying himself thoroughly. Leaving the bathroom, he wrapped the towel around his waist, moving towards his trunk to find his pajamas.

He opened it and moved things about, wondering where in hells name his sweatpants had gone. He found his grey shirt and pulled it roughly over his head getting the collar wet when it was dragged over his damp hair. He shivered a bit when the collar met his skin but continued his search for the pants. He found a pair of boxers and pulled then out hastily knocking a book aside in the messy trunk. When he had his boxers on he looked back in the trunk and froze.

Half covered by his Herbology book was a large, tan envelope that was roughly shaped by its contents and in the center was a white label that was peeling and dirty across which 'Sirius' was scrawled in purple ink. He eyed it warily before slowly bending to pick it up. His hand took hold of it so carefully that anyone would have thought he was picking up an explosive. Turning it over slowly, he picked at the corner of the seal, wanting so much to open it—yet so desperately wishing it would go away.

He turned it over again and looked at the label. Purple ink. He could picture it easily. Her hand gripping the pen and scribbling his name quickly across the label, her bracelets clicking together with her hand motions. Black nail polish that was chipping at the edges.

"I can never keep them nice, they always chip."

Sirius shook his head and threw the envelope roughly on his bed and started looking through his trunk furiously. He was frowning. Not in confusion, but in an effort to hold back the tears he didn't want to acknowledge. He started throwing his stuff out of his trunk. He just needed to find his sweatpants then he could bury that stupid envelope again. He reached the bottom of the trunk, which was now almost entirely emptied of it contents apart from a few pieces of parchment, the odd sock and some gadgets.

He kicked the trunk and instantly regretted doing that because his toe began to throb with pain. Sirius limped over to his bed and sat on the edge of it resting his elbows on his knees and putting his head in his hands, threading his fingers through his hair as it curtained his face. He was breathing heavily and he sniffed loudly as he began to lose control of his emotions.

Sirius heard the doorknob rattle as someone grabbed it and turned it, opening the door.

"Sirius? Are you okay? We thought we heard something…"

Sirius looked up with red eyes and saw James, Remus and Peter standing in the doorway looking a bit taken back.

"Merlin, what happened in here?" Peter said bluntly, looking around at the contents of Sirius' trunk that were strewn around the room.

Remus and James were watching Sirius apprehensively wondering how to handle this, they weren't sure what would set Sirius off and what wouldn't.

Sirius saved them the trouble by swinging his legs up onto the bed. He was about to close the hangings when he saw he wasn't alone, that stupid envelope was there staring at him. He grabbed it roughly and flung it across the room, and ripped the hangings closed around him. He tensed up when he heard a crack at the envelope hit the wall.

He felt a terrible dead feeling in his stomach. What if he broke it? It's all he had left of her. What has he done? He wanted so badly to fling open he hangings and get the envelope, to see if it was broken, to open it and remember. Maybe there was something there to show where she was. But what if there wasn't? He was too stubborn; he stayed put, getting under his covers and closing his eyes to go to sleep,deciding his pajama pants were more trouble than they were worth.