After school Jason came straight home and went up to his room. It was Friday, which meant he didn't have any homework to distract him from his thoughts. So, he lay on his bed thinking about things he shouldn't and hating himself for it. What's wrong with you? He asked himself after a disgusting image passed through his mind. He couldn't even count how many times he asked himself that question over the last two years. His subconscious offered him the same response it always did; you're a sick freak.

Jason knew it was true. Only someone sick and disgusting would be thinking the things he did, but knowing that didn't do anything to change the thoughts and that only made him hate himself more.

A knock at his bedroom door startled him and he jumped up in his bed and immediately began praying that it was anyone other than Dick on the other side. He walked to the door like a man headed to the gallows. Obviously, if God had heard his prayer he didn't care because when he finally worked up the courage to open his bedroom door the person staring at him was none other than his adoptive brother, Dick Grayson. Jason's heart was instantly torn between fluttering wildly in his chest like a drunken butterfly and sinking to his feet like the Titanic.

"Hey, Jay, why didn't you wait for me after school? I would've given you a ride."

"Sorry, man, I was just in a rush."

That was a lie. Jason had deliberately avoided seeing Dick after school so he didn't have to ride home with him.

"You say that everyday, even in the mornings too. I'm starting to think you don't like riding with me," Dick said as he leaned against the doorframe and eyed Jason suspiciously.

"Uhh…that's not it. I just like catching the bus."

Another lie. Jason hated lying to Dick but there was no way he could tell him the truth.

"If you say so." Dick didn't sound convinced.

Dick continued to scrutinize him for several more moments. As irrational as it was Jason started to wonder if Dick could read his mind and knew he was lying. If he stared at Jason longer would he be able to figure out the real reason Jason didn't want to be alone with him in his car or anywhere else for that matter?

"So, Dickie, what's up?" Jason asked nervously, after Dick staring at him became too uncomfortable for him to bear.

"Oh…yeah," Dick said as if he'd been lost in his own head, "Bruce called and he's going to be out of town all weekend, so it's just you and me, little brother."

Jason sighed. He hated when his adoptive father left town for extended periods. Not because he was a scared little kid who didn't what to be home without his daddy, it was just when Bruce was home he acted as a great buffer between Jason and Dick. Since, he worked so much he tried to make sure the time he did have off they all did something together, which was great because Jason actually liked having that family time, but it also meant that he didn't have to be alone with Dick.

"Jay?" Dick's voice sounded a little worried.

"Uhh, yeah? Sorry, totally zoned out there. What were you saying?" Jason asked when he snapped back to their conversation.

"I was saying since it's just us this weekend maybe we could do something together."

"I don't know, Dickie I have some stuff to work on," Jason quickly tossed out an excuse.

"What stuff? Maybe I can help," Dick countered.

"Just stuff and I don't really need help, Dickie."

Dick's gaze fell a bit and Jason felt like shit.

"I just feel like we don't hang out together anymore, you know just you and me. When I go off to college in the fall we'll probably see each other even less…I guess I just miss you, that's all, little brother."

Shit probably felt better than Jason did in that moment. It wasn't Dick's fault that he was all fucked up in the head and it was wrong for Jason to treat him like it was. Dickie had been nothing but amazing to him since he was ten and Bruce had taken him in. That's why Jason hated his thoughts so much.

"Uhh…you know what, you're right, Dickie. Let's do something together."

Even though that was the last thing Jason wanted he couldn't stand to see that look of hurt and disappointment on Dick's face and would do anything to get rid of it, even if that meant he'd be torturing himself in the process.

"Really?" Dick asked hopefully.

"Yeah, why not. My…stuff isn't going anywhere," and neither were his feelings for Dick.

"Awesome, why don't we go out to dinner and see a movie? It'll be fun."

That seemed too intimate for Jason, but he just nodded his head. He would've preferred to have some time to get himself together but he wasn't sure if that was even possible in this kind of situation.

"Alright, it's a date," Dick reached out and ruffled his hair with a smile.

Even though Jason knew that Dick was only joking his heart still leapt at the idea.

"I'll go shower and change and then I'll meet you downstairs."

Once again Jason just nodded in response. Dick sounded beyond excited but Jason knew that night would be a living nightmare for him. As he closed his door and headed back over to his bed he went back to thinking about how screwed up he was. After his mother OD'ed and his biological father didn't show up to claim him, it had taken his social worker a long time to find Jason a place where he didn't get beaten or treated like trash.

Bruce was the dad Jason had always wished for. He'd given Jay his own room, bought him toys, taken him and Dick on family vacations, that had never happened at any of his other foster homes or his "real" one for that matter. But, besides all the material stuff Bruce had always been kind and understanding of Jason and he always listened to Jay if he needed someone to talked to. Jason wished he could talk to Bruce about the stuff going on in his head now, but he knew it would disgust him…probably more than it disgusted Jason and he'd ended up sending Jason back into the foster care system. Even someone as understanding as Bruce wouldn't be able to accept Jason if he knew how the boy really felt about his other adopted son.

Dick had been equally as good to Jason. He was only two years older than Jason, but he had always been super protective of him, jumping to his defense anytime someone teased him about being adopted or weird. Dick had even let Jason sleep in bed with him when he had a nightmare or there was a thunderstorm since he knew how deathly afraid Jason was of them. Bruce and Dick had taken him in and treated him like he'd belonged with them. Jason had found a place where he wasn't just safe but actually happy, but how had he showed his appreciation for it? By falling in love with his brother of course.

When Bruce had first adopted him Jason had been hesitant to open up and feel comfortable, but Dick being adopted too had made it a bit easier for him. They had bonded almost immediately and became inseparable. Even after Dick had started high school and had make tons of popular friends he still made sure to include his little brother. Though that wasn't really Jason's scene he loved every moment of every school sporting event, party, etc because he got to be with Dick.

That was until he was fourteen, that's when Jason changed, when everything changed. He'd had a nightmare that these black, shadow-like monsters had come and were trying to take him away from Bruce and Dick. He woke up screaming and terrified that something like that would actually happen, so he went to Dick's room and told him about it. Jason was crying before he even finished the story. Dick pulled him into his arms and told him that everything would be okay because he would never let anyone take his "Jay Bird" away and then kissed him on the forehead. It was innocent on Dick's part, but that night how Jason saw his brother changed and he spent the rest of the night tucked in Dick's arms imagining what it would've been like if he kissed him on the lips.

Jason groaned as the memory came back to him. Why was he so screwed up? He couldn't just be gay, he had to be gay, AND in love with is adoptive brother. Most of the time Jason wasn't even sure he was gay, because Dick had been the only guy he ever remotely felt attracted to but he figured sense he wasn't into girls at all then he had to be gay. Luckily for him he'd been able to keep that secret under wraps too, but how long could he keep hiding these things from his brother and father? Forever, he told himself he could never let either of them ever find out about who he really was.

Jason shook his head and headed over to his adjoining bathroom and splashed some water on his face. He decided he wouldn't change his clothes. This wasn't a real date –even though he'd never been on one of those, he saw no reason in making a fuss about clothes that Dick wouldn't care about. After he put his shoes back on he reluctantly headed downstairs to wait for Dick in the foyer.

"I see you didn't bother cleaning up," Dick teased as he bounced down the stairs.

Jason was almost speechless when he got a good look at Dick; he was wearing a fitted, blue, v-neck t-shirt and jeans that were custom tailored to his body. Jason didn't know much about dates, but that's exactly where Dick looked like he was going. Jason however still had on the slacks and uniform shirt he'd worn to school. He quickly reminded himself it didn't matter. It wasn't a date anyway.

"I doubt anyone will care about me," Jason said as he averted his eyes.

"I care about you…I've always cared about you," Dick said as he reached out and titled Jason's chin up so he could look at him.

Dick's expression was so serious it almost snapped Jason in two. He felt so guilty for feeling the way he did about someone so great who had only ever been there for him.

"I could change if you –"

"You look fine, Jay Bird. I don't care what you wear. I only care that I'm finally getting to spend time with you after I don't even know how long."

Dick slowly opened up his hand and slid it from Jason's chin to his cheeked and cupped it. Jason knew he should move away, but having Dick touch him like that felt so nice he just couldn't.

"I really have missed you, Jay." Dick moved in and pressed his forehead to Jason's.

"I…I haven't gone anywhere, Dickie. I'm right here, where I've always been." Jason closed his eyes to block out some of the sensations that were quickly starting to overwhelm him.

"Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Sometimes it feels like I'm losing you…like I lost you…I don't want to lose you, Jay." Dick's voice actually cracked a little. "Promise me I won't lose you, Jay. No matter what."

Jason didn't know what to say. Dick had never said anything like this to him before and it broke his heart. He didn't know how, but he needed to make things right between them.

"I'm not going anywhere, Dickie. I promise."

Dick took a deep breath then let it out with a heavy sigh. "Good, now let's get out of here," Dick said as he dropped his hand from Jason's cheek and backed away.

Jason missed the contact immediately. The night had barely begun and Jason was already eager for it to be over.

###

Notes:

So I want to take this further just not exactly sure how far just yet, so any feedback would be great.