Happy belated birthday to me! And here's a present! Yep, it's another story I shouldn't be starting! But I think (and hope) you'll like it anyways. I just wanted to post something before life gets crazy busy (I'm officially posting this from my brand new dorm room! If by brand new you mean in a building that's over 50 years old and probably hasn't been updated that much since then...). So anyways, enjoy.

And, btdubs, the title comes from a song by the Antlers that you can listen to if you want to get a general feel for where this whole thing is headed. This chapter is pretty heavy and the next chapter isn't much lighter, but I'm going to TRY to write something that isn't ridiculously depressing or so light and fluffy that it floats off into the atmosphere. Enjoy!

I own nothing.


Addison gasps in pain when her teeth tear through the cuticle on the nail of her right pointer finger. She looks down and realizes that she's managed to thoroughly ruin her manicure in her worried daze. Automatically, she goes to start on her left hand and then remembers that she already ruined that hand too.

She has to tell him, right? She can't just… not tell him. Get this taken care of and he never has to know that she was ever… the p-word. If she thinks the actual word, that makes it real and if it's real, then she really can't deal with it, so she's not thinking the word.

No, she needs to tell him. It's mean and spiteful and hateful, but she wants him to know just exactly what he's done to her.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. One stupid, impulsive shove into an on call room and she's back here. In this position. Again. Just… fuck.

"Addison, are you okay?" Callie asks.

"Fine," she says, shaking off her thoughts and putting a fake smile on her face. "What's up?"

"Nothing," her friends says suspiciously. Addison shifts to sit on her hands so Callie can't see the carnage. "You just look… shocked."

The computer in Addison's brain runs through the million different answers she can give, searching for one that isn't a lie but won't reveal her secret. "Alex Karev," is the explanation she comes up with.

"What did he do this time?" Callie groans. "And when are you going to let me start breaking bones?"

Addison laughs a little and then returns to her serious problem. "He's just… being Alex Karev."

"Seriously? You need to talk to him, Addison! Yell at him or something."

Addison makes a decision. "I'm going to talk to him," she says, flashing Callie something that resembles a smile. "Don't worry about me."

0ooo0

"Karev," she says, wetting her lips nervously. He turns around and she can feel herself lose her nerve. But she steels herself and pushes on. "We need to talk."

His eyebrows rise. "What?"

"Can we… can we go somewhere… not here?"

"Not here?" She can see the beginning of a smirk on his face and hates it.

"Not. Here."

He rolls his eyes. "Fine."

She leads him into a supply closet and closes the door. And then she turns around, takes a deep breath and announces, "I'm pregnant. And there's no way it's not yours."

She waits for him to react but realizes that he's like her—internalizing reactions rather than letting them happen. "Okay," he says. She can tell that inside he's stuttering and stammering questions that he's not letting himself ask.

"I'm getting an abortion," she informs him. "It's not a good time and… you and me… we shouldn't be allowed to have kids. We don't even like each other."

"Oh."

"Yeah, so," she breathes. "I haven't told anyone and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't. I don't want people gossiping about this in the hallways or anything."

"What about Callie?" he asks suddenly, his brain starting to creak to life slowly.

"What?"

"Are you going to tell her?"

"No."

He's silent for a moment, running through logistics, but she thinks that he's disapproving of her choice to keep it from her best friend. "I can't have her looking at me like that," she explains. "Like I had an abortion. I just can't see that look again."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"What?"

"Somebody's going to have to drive you home. Do you want me to do it?"

She shoves her hair behind her ear. "You would?"

"I got you into this, didn't I?"

"We got me into this," she amends with a wry smile. "I shoved you into that room, remember?"

"Yeah, but-"

She cuts him off. "Let's not play the blame game, okay? I'll let you know when the appointment is as soon as I know."

"Thanks," he says quietly.

She smiles softly and touches his arm. "Thanks for not being weird about this."

"No problem." She's gone before he acknowledges that the tingling where she touched him isn't some weird degenerative nerve disorder.

0ooo0

"Hi," she says, sliding into the passenger seat of Meredith's borrowed Range Rover, her hair in a messy bun, wearing a sweatshirt and sweatpants.

"Hey," he greets her.

They sit in silence. It's not as if there's exactly a script for pre-abortion conversation. He concentrates on the road as Addison sits curled up in the seat, staring out the window.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asks, breaking the quiet.

"Didn't really give me a choice there, but sure. What?"

"It's kind of awkward and personal."

"Karev, I think people in our position are allowed to ask awkward and personal questions. This whole thing is awkward and personal."

"You said again," he says, introducing the one thing that's been bugging him since she told him that she's pregnant.

"What?"

"When we were talking about Callie finding out. You said you couldn't see Callie looking at you like you had an abortion again."

"Oh."

"So you've… done this before?"

"Thank you for putting it delicately," she replies with a little laugh. "You can say abortion, you know." She can see him stop himself from flinching. She knows that she's treating this whole thing cavalierly, but it's the only way she's not going to break down crying. She swallows. "Mark got me pregnant. In New York after Derek left. He was so excited. Bought a calendar and a little Yankees onesie. And I realized that I couldn't do it. Not with him. Not then." She studies the passing figures out the window. She just doesn't want to look at him, no matter what. "I… I wanted a baby. But I wanted a baby with Derek. Not Mark. So I made the appointment and one day I came home and… and I wasn't pregnant anymore. And he's never forgiven me for that. And he shouldn't."

"Yeah, he should," Alex protests.

She shakes her head. "No, he really shouldn't." She looks up at him. "Neither should you, for that matter."

"I don't have anything to forgive you for," he replies. "Not really. It's your decision. You're just doing what you think is right."

They pull into the parking lot before she can answer. "Do you want me to come in with you?" he offers.

"No, I'm… I'm fine."

"You sure?"

"I'm good," she sighs.

"I'm going to go get something to eat around the corner, okay?"

"I'll call you when I'm done," she says, closing the car door and wandering into the clinic. He watches her go, shakes off the inexplicable sadness he feels, and drives around the corner to a deli for some food.

He was hungry before, but now that he's got a sandwich in front of him, he just feels sick. He saw the way Addison's eyes misted up at the thought of a baby. And that's twice she's been denied it because of who got her pregnant. He wishes that he had the balls to just stand up and tell her to keep the baby, that he'd be there for them no matter what. But he's a disgusting coward and he doesn't like to make promises that he's certain he can't keep. In his book, it's just like making a promise with no intention to keep it—a complete lie. So he has to let her make her own decision.

He's been staring at his food for ten minutes when his phone buzzes. He frowns. He had made up some story about going out with some old college buddies and being completely unreachable so nobody from the hospital would call. He glances down and doesn't recognize the number, but the area code is for Seattle. "Hello?"

"You said it was my choice, right?" someone sniffs into the phone.

"Addison?"

"You said this was my choice. That the abortion is my decision. Did you really mean that?"

"Yeah," he confirms slowly.

"Can you come get me?" she asks, her voice begging him to be forgiving and understanding.

"Are you okay?" he frowns.

"I can't do it, Alex. I'm sorry. I don't expect anything from you, but I just… I can't do it. Not again. I can't. I'm sorry."

"I'll be there in two minutes. Stay there." He's running out of the deli, thankful he had paid before eating, before she hangs up the phone.


Oooh, sort of a cliffhanger there. Good thing I have the next chapter written... I'll try to get that up some time soonish. Hopefully before I start classes next Monday! Anyways, as always, I'd love to hear thoughts! I'm always a little nervous to post something new, so feedback is LOVED.

-Juli-