My Diary: June 5, 2019
AN: Warning. This is not fanfiction. This is reality. Please read at your own risk.
Phew… where do I begin.
To be honest I'm just gonna type every single thought that passes through my mind, just like speaking to a friend.
So here goes.
I've been trying every. single. way. to vent all my insecurities and problems, all from solving them to speaking to a friend.
I don't know what I would want to achieve by publishing this. Sympathy points? Not really. I don't need sympathy. Well, yes I do need it. But not from the internet. Once again this is just one of my ways to vent out everything. Every dirty little secrets that none of my friends or family would know or understand.
Maybe if I typed it down I could gain some clarity about the whole situation and maybe one of you who read this would probably feel the same way. Hey you're not alone, maybe?
Okay so…
Mental health, yes I do have some mental health issues that I have to address to myself. I am rash, passive aggressive, a bitch (a fat one), selfish, arrogant, what else… stupid?
I don't know why but even though I received so many positive feedback from people around me, I still collected all the negative ones and keep it forever in my brain, like a disease.
They say I was smart. But they were wrong. I am a certified idiot.
They say I was talented, and I cackled. WHERE?
They say I'm pretty and I told them you need a new pair of eyes.
But I believe I am right.
I'm stupid, talentless, and ugly.
Or maybe I'm just naive.
I would love to think that everyone had at least watched a romcom once, right? And most of you would want that in your life. To have your true love come to you and lead you to a happy ever after. No? Just me? Okay then.
I do think I need love.
I need it, but I have lots of it. I have received love from my mom, my brother, my aunt, my cousin, my friends, and my dad who is not here with me.
So why do I still need love?
Is it not enough?
Am I that much of a selfish prick?
I must be…
When I go back to my earliest memories of love, I still could recall them at this point, and yes I do receive lots of love.
But why do I feel so empty inside…
They love me and I love them back, or not. Who knows. Sometimes I take those love for granted.
Maybe stress is one of the factors?
I tried to lose weight but nothing seems to be working. I even go to such extremes as to fast for a week at most. But I gain even more.
Expectation from my family to graduate
Expectation to become the backbone of my family.
I had expectations for myself.
But what if I don't want to?
What if I don't want to graduate?
What if I don't want to fulfill all these expectations?
Why do you even have those for me in the first place?
I'm a lost cause.
I'm a bother.
If I were to disappear entirely from your life, wouldn't be better. I wouldn't spend so much of your money, time, and love.
If I were to disappear, life would still goes on.
If I were to disappear my mom would probably cry. I don't want to make her sad. The rest of the family would probably not care. I'm not close to anyone of them anyways. But to be the sole reason that my mum is hurting breaks my heart.
Stuff happened… and I told her I would love it if I were to jump off a building and die.
She cried.
I hate it.
I hate myself.
So please, let me die peacefully.
I won't be a bother to you anymore.
I won't even be in your life.
So why does this makes me cry?
Why would anyone care anyways, right?
