Can't Move

I'm stuck in an unbelievably stupid situation. And…no matter how hard I try to break out of it, I can't… I just can't move…

"Naruto, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

I have to act like myself. I have to be the person everyone expects me to be. Crack a joke. Smile a lot but…every time I look at them, I…

"I'm going to go get another drink."

He looks up at me. I see my face mirrored in his eyes. He's concerned. I close my eyes and turn around. I move through the crowd, moving farther and farther away from the sounds of laughter and clinking glasses and shouts of joy. It's a good night. It's supposed to be a good night. I'm supposed to be happy for my best friends but…every time…every time….every time… I just… I…

I sit at the bar and gulp down a shot of something. It burns my throat. I shake my head and brush the tears out of the corners of my eyes.

"Another one, please."

"Not to step out of line but…I think you've had enough, Hokage-sama."

I look up at the bartender solemnly.

"Thank you, sir, but you are stepping out of line."

He takes a hesitant step back and immediately pours me another glass. I snatch it from him and get up from the bar stool. My eyes lock on the full table on the other side of the club lounge, reserved for the Hokage and his closest friends. Slowly, I look away from the table and at the door on the opposite side of the room. As I walk, I tilt my head back and gulp down the last shot. I set the glass down on an empty table and push the back doors open. As soon as I get outside, I come face to face with the last person I wanted to see.

We stare at each other. Finally, he opens his mouth. I shake my head.

"Shut up."

He rolls his eyes.

"You know you're wrong." He says.

I try to walk around him but he stands in the way. As much as I want to be angry and lash out at him, I know it wouldn't serve any purpose. He's just as strong as I am. And we know each other so well, any move I attempted to do would be easily countered. But why am I thinking about this now? Fighting?

I sigh and look down like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He reaches out for me and eases his hand into my hair, onto my cheek. It's incredible that a guy that aloof looking can have such a tender hand. As hard as I try to think about something else or ignore the feeling, I can't. I just can't move. My cheeks turn pink. My eyes lock onto the ground.

"Stay here." He says.

"…Sasuke, I-"

He walks away from me and back into the lounge. I want to take this chance to find my way back to my house and be alone with my own sick thoughts but… I still just can't move.

He returns surprisingly quickly. We stare at each other.

"Let's leave." He finally says.

We turn and walk side by side.

"What lie did you tell to get out of there?"

"I said you weren't feeling well so I was taking you home."

"I feel fine."

"Didn't we already establish the fact that it was a lie?"

I grip the side of my head. The ground was getting fuzzy.

"You're drunk, aren't you?"

I don't reply. I feel his hand slip into mine, clearing the fuzziness. My mind zeroes in on the feeling of his hand in mine. It feels like we arrive at my home in seconds. He knows where I keep the key and unlocks the door for me. We enter my house, very close to the Hokage mansion, and he closes the door behind us. He pulls me through my house and I don't think to question where he's taking me until he pushes me down onto my bed.

"Sasuke?"

He rolls his eyes and stares down at me.

"Stay there." He says. "And clear your head."

I sigh.

"There's nothing to clear."

"There's obviously something bothering you, why don't you focus on that?"

"I'm sick of thinking about that." I mutter.

He leans over me.

"Maybe, this would all be easier for you if…" he begins. "…you had another go at it?"

I stare at him. I feel like the information I'm hearing is being muddled before it reaches my brain. He smiles.

"Do you want that?" he asks.

I blink and then close my eyes tightly.

"Stop." I hear myself saying. "Stop playing with me…"

I feel warm wet drops squeezing out of my eyelids. The drops roll down the sides of my head. I feel a hand on me. My chunin vest is zipped down. He easily pulls my arms out of it and takes it off. I feel his hand move down my chest and touch the area between my legs. My eyes pop open but I don't move his hand. We look at each other.

"Well, this isn't surprising." He says.

"You think this is so funny, don't you?"

He looks away from me.

"No." he finally says. "But…I've given you an option. Do you want it or not?"

My eyes travel up to the ceiling. It's dark in the room. He neglected to turn on the lights. But I can see his eyes clearly because of the lampposts outside my window giving the room a light blue hue.

Instead of replying, I grab onto his jacket and pull him down onto me. He comes down without a fight. I zip his vest down and pull it off of him. Next is his shirt, then my shirt, they both fall to the floor. Our shoes are at the door. My hands reach up around his neck and I hug him closer to me. My entire body comes alive, I can see and feel clearly through the alcohol muddling my thoughts and movements. I feel his bare skin, warm against mine. I'd be fine…just like that…holding him just like that forever and ever but…it's not possible.

He kisses me. I feel his lips on my neck. He kisses there softly to be sure not to leave any marks. We can't leave marks because…people knowing…it's not possible. His mouth moves upward, over my cheek and onto my mouth. His hand caresses my face and pushes the headband off of my forehead. My hair gets in my eyes. He brushes it back and looks into my eyes fully. I pull myself upward, reconnecting our lips. I push him over and down, then straddle him so that I'm on top. The change in position doesn't bother him at all. We often change positions while we do it. His tongue enters my mouth. We taste each other. My hand aches for that spot. I move my hand down his chest slowly and between his legs. He's hard. I momentarily think of saying a snide remark but the urgency to complete the task at hand overshadows it. I lower move my lips to his neck. We had a routine once… So he knows what I'm going to do. Unlike him, I have no problem with leaving marks. He jolts as I suck on the skin right above his collarbone. His breathing speeds up. I know exactly which spots to hit…like his chest, his nipples, right above his belly button. Alcohol speeds up time for me. I unbutton his pants and pull them down in seconds and then I lower my mouth over him. He stares up at the ceiling, waiting for me. Somehow, I like making him wait. I pass a couple seconds by stroking him. He grabs my hair. I slide his hard-on into my mouth and he breathes deeply.

It could be like this every night…whenever…but…

It happened after the war. The fourth great ninja war, when Sasuke showed up with my Dad and Orochimaru and the previous Hokages and basically helped us all get to victory. The night that we won. The night that the ninja world finally had true peace… We did it. It was the first time. Initially, we played it off like we had no choice. We had urges. There weren't any girls around at the moment. So, we used each other. I knew, deep inside, that… I felt differently. Sasuke never told me how he felt. But periodically, since that first time, we'd engage in that kind of thing. It would always be random, not planned at all, but not stopped either. Somehow, it was like anytime we were alone together for a long stretch of time, that was the natural outcome. I came to believe that Sasuke must've been feeling the same way about me…since it was happening so often. I mean, he could've gotten multiple girls by that time, right? But then…

I pull my mouth off of him as he shudders and comes. By now, I can sense when he's going to come. He relaxes every muscle in his body, except one, and starts breathing really steadily, like he fell asleep or something, and then it happens. I stare at him as he breathes heavily, basking in the feeling. He grabs onto my pants. I know what that means. We pull the last pieces of our clothes off and onto the floor.

I was shocked into stillness when I found out. It was incredibly random. And I was ill-prepared. It was a week after my Hokage inauguration. I was still ridding on buzz from the present I'd gotten from Sasuke the night of my inauguration. I hadn't seen him for the entire following week until Shikamaru told me.

"Did Sakura or Sasuke tell you yet?"

I was doing boring work, work I usually made Shikamaru do for me. Paper work.

"Nah." I responded, only half listening. "Tell me what?"

"Tell you that they're getting married."

I dropped my ink pen.

"Sasuke proposed to Sakura a couple of days ago, or at least that's what Ino and Sai tell me." He said.

I stared at the table.

"No kidding…"

"Yeah, and earlier today, Sasuke told me he was planning to take up that old patch of land, the village Orochimaru used to use as the sound village, and make a brand new sound village there."

I already knew that. I was the one who gave Sasuke that idea along with Suigetsu, Karin and Jugo. It would be like paying respects to them. Finally cleansing them of evil. But it wasn't supposed to be a permanent thing… I… didn't want him to leave Konoha.

"I guess Sakura will be going with him."

And especially not with someone other than me.

I push two of my fingers into Sasuke. He moans lowly. I try to get a third in, trying to make room. It's not too difficult, seeing as we've done this multiple times already. I steady myself and push myself into him slowly. I shouldn't be too rough but my concern for how he feels is overshadowed by my own pain. I shove into him.

"You wouldn't even be able to imagine how much I hate you right now." I say.

I shove into him again, getting about halfway in.

"It's not like…you're obligated to tell me…" I mutter. "But…"

His arm is over his forehead, blocking his eyes from me. I push in harder.

"I just feel like an idiot. This whole time I thought…" I say. "I thought you loved me, but…"

I shove into him again, getting fully in this time.

"You really were just using me, weren't you?" I ask. "This whole time…you were in love with Sakura…and I didn't mean a thing to you."

I rock with him, savoring the feeling. No matter how angry or hurt or embarrassed I feel, I can't deny how good it feels to be inside him. I glance at him and I'm shocked to see his arm moved and he's looking at me, smirking.

"You idiot." He says.

Then he pulls me lower onto him. He kisses me fully. With our faces inches apart, he smiles at me.

"You are the one I'm in love with."

My body jolts, I pull out of him quickly. He raises his eyebrows surprised at how quickly I came.

"You're such a simpleton." He remarks. "All I have to do is say I love you, to make you do that?

I breathe heavily over him, still tingling with the amazing sensation. His arms wrap around me, he pulls me back onto him and I lay my head in his chest.

"Sasuke, I love you." I whisper.

"I know."

"No… I really, really love you…"

"Okay."

The rest of it disappears…like the colors fading in and out in a prism. My eyes close, exhaustion overcomes me. Sasuke's warm chest are on my face. His hands caress my back and move into my hair. His confession rings out in my ears: "You are the one…"

In the morning, I can hear rain falling, slowly and steadily. There is no one under me. I'm on my back. I feel the sheets pulled over my almost up to my chin. I turn my head toward the door and see him there, putting his feet into his shoes, zipping up his vest.

"Sasuke." I say.

He freezes.

"Where are you going?"

He pauses before he responds.

"I have…a duty to take care of." He says. "A duty to my clan. A duty bestowed only upon me."

I know… I know… I know…

"When will you be back?" I ask.

"Soon." He says.

His hand grasps the door.

"Sasuke!" I call.

He hesitates.

"I'll never stop loving you…ever…I promise." I hear myself saying

"I promise, too."

He door shuts. The sound of rain beats loudly in my ears. I close my eyes. The feeling of loneliness overwhelms me. Tears creep down the sides of my face. I can't let it take control. I start shaking. I can't let myself stay here mourning a loss. The tears grow larger. I need to get up. I hear myself whimpering. I need to face my own life. I have a village to run. I have meetings today. But for some reason, I can't. I know what I should do. I know what I need to do…but every time, every time, every time I think about it… I just…can't move.